No one was more surprised than me

On May 1st, I officially accepted a new job at my current employer.  I don't think anyone is more surprised than me.

I will be a New Business Development manager, developing and launching new product platforms for our division, while working on Mergers & Acquisitions to round out our global presence.  It is a very good job with a nice promotion attached, and I will work for my former boss.  This is a better job than I could have hoped to find elsewhere.  It is like I won the frickin' lottery.

When I was first approached with this new job possibility, I had a lot of mixed emotions.  It was a great job and a great chance to be reunited with my former boss whom I personally like and greatly respect.  It was a chance to grow and develop (i.e. add new skills to the resume).   Everything about the job is great.  So why was I conflicted?

I got this job almost exactly 6 months after a reorg that occurred, which almost caused me to quit the day it happened.  I have been ready since November to walk out the door and never return.  I had removed most every personal effect and gotten folks to switch away from my work eMail.  I didn't have one foot out the door; I barely had one foot in the door.  Mentally, I was gone.

My relationship with my employer has been rocky from the start.  It is a great company and I have had the benifit of working for several top notch managers.  I have also had some bad times - lies told me when I joined, broken promises and threats of termination (twice), plus some other events I will not get into here that have caused me to want to leave for a long time.  Last November was the final straw; no way I could stay (or so I thought).

I had made the mistake over the past few years of feeling very trapped in the situation I was in.  This is no ones fault but my own.  The last six months was spent as a great re-awakening for me.  I was trying to give myself an injection of confidence, and thanks to the help of friends and family, I thought I was going to finally make the move to something, and possibly somewhere new.  I am not so old that I can't go somewhere new, try something different, and if it didn't work, I could still try again.  For the first time in several years I was excited by the prospect of what the outside world offered and I felt I had the confidence to do something about it.

Then this job with my employer shows up, literally at my feet.  I didn't ask for it, I didn't search it out, and I didn't even interview for it.  It was brought to me on a silver platter.  All I had to do was say yes.  

And I did.

So it is with very mixed emotions I will continue working for the same company which I have had a love-hate relationship with for the past seven years.  I don't know if I am more disappointed in myself for letting myself get suckered into working another year at a company where I have been very frustrated, or if it is because after building up my confidence to make the move, I suddenly take the easy way out and fall back into staying in a safe job in the midwest, where my only reason for really staying right now is work.  I know that was a horrible run-on sentence but it personifies the run-on emotions I have about this right now.  

I am trying to be a pragmatist about this situation.  This was the by far the best option available today, which was far superior to what I was doing.  It does not prevent me from exploring other options, and it may open new opportunities for me at a future date.  If some of the plans I have been working on materialize, there is nothing stopping me from going forward with them.  Unfortunately, I think my own stubborn nature which won't let me get past the fact that this feels like a defeat.  

So in the interest of putting a positive spin on this situation, I am going to have a "not-going away happy hour" next Friday (May 9th), 5pm at Brits Pub, downtown Minneapolis.  Unlike all the other dozen or so coworkers who have left in the past few months, I am going to buck the trend and have a happy hour for someone who is actually staying!   All are welcome.   Hopefully the weather will be good enough to be outside (yes, we had a threat of snow last night).  

And if I every complain about work ever again, you all have permission to kick my ass.