It all started with being hungry. I am a simple man and I am motivated by simple things. Food is one of them.
I am not a good cook, and the thought of cooking for another person terrifies me. I have tried taking classes, but even specialists have been unable to make a dent in my failings here. So I try to practice and get good at a few items so if I ever am forced into a situation of having to cook for someone I can be reasonably sure of not causing serious illness or death. I found a new recipe on Yahoo! foods, that looked interesting and possibly makable by me. There were a lot of ingredients, but the actually cooking part seemed easy enough, so I decided to take the challenge and make this new dish.
First thing for me to do was shopping. I went to Penzey's in uptown to buy 5 of the 6 spices I would need but I didn't own. That was relatively painless, and surprisingly not that expensive. I was going to go to Lund's, my favorite grocery store in town, to get the other items, but having missed lunch and in the mood for fruit, I drove over to the Jamba Juice. Jamba Juice shares a space with Whole Foods.
I don't shop at Whole Foods. I used to go to Whole Foods when I lived in DC, but that was mostly because the quality of the fresh food at the only other option, Safeway, was highly questionable. Once the Harris Teeter opened up in Arlington, I gave Whole Foods the Auf Wiedersehen and made the 30 minute one way drive to HT. I didn't like Whole Foods for several partially formed reasons floating around in my head, which only I could possible decipher or comprehend. The stores themselves look nice, and they had good music playing, but something about the way they presented themselves bothers me. Any corporation, like Whole Foods, which makes such an effort to promote their liberal values seems very hypocritical. They make it seem like they are above making profits (ask their board of directors and shareholders if that is true). That type of hypocrisy bothers me, along with the fact that when you go in their store makes it feel like they have a monopoly on helping Mother Earth. So outside of Jamba Juice, I never go in the place.
I don't know what caused me to do my shopping there today. I don't know if it was because it was a new recipe (new recipe, new store?). Or maybe it was a desire not to waste gas on such a nice day (it was 50 degrees outside and I drove with the windows down!). But, probably it was because I have been watching a lot of "Top Chef" and this is where the chefs go shopping for the contests. Anyway, I made the decision to give it a try again.
First thing that struck me as odd was the shopping carts, namely all the little mini-carts. I don't know about anybody else, but whenever I see a man over 30, shopping by himself, using one of those half sized grocery carts I immediately think he is a homosexual. I know this is a horrible generalization, but something about pushing around those carts seem a bit too dainty for a straight guy. I kept this observation to myself as this seemed to be the norm at this Whole Foods.
The next thing I noticed is how crowded and disorganized the store was at the entrance. When I find a store I like, I stick with it. I learn where things are and I get a rhythm and pattern down for shopping. I don't like wasting time in stores; I am all about efficiency. I know up front that just going to a new store is going to slow me down. This problems was magnified by the layout of Whole Foods. One stereotype that I think is (unfortunately) true about my liberal brethren is complete disregard for organization and planning. There did not appear to be any thought as to how the store traffic might flow - they just let it be (man! don't try to put your rules in place here! live free man!). Needless to say, this caused a jam at the entrance, and I began to rethink my stance on the mini-carts, which provide a practical advantage in getting around (its not like they have rainbow coalition stickers on them).
I needed to buy carrots, onions and zucchini. It seems simple, but it wasn't. Part of the veggies were on one side, part on the other, and there did not seem to be a reason why one was away from the other. At first I thought it might be a split between "Natural" foods and "Organic", but this was not the case. As best as I can figure out it was based on color of food and the packaging in came in (if any). All veggies which were Yellow, Green or Orange were on the left side. Red, White and any other colors were on the right. But if the veg was in a plastic container or bag, and it was Yellow or Orange, it was on the right. If it was green and in the bag, it was still on the left. Also, Red veggies in a bag were on the left side (not with the Green, but close). It was all very confusing. All told, it took me 10 minutes to navigate my way for these three items. At Lunds, I would have been done and out of the section in 90 seconds, tops.
The next thing I noticed was how rude everyone was there at the store and how little effort was made to make way for other shoppers. The rules of who had right-of-way seemed to be skewed as well. I am used to stores, like Lund's or Herris Teeter, where the rules of normal society still hold true; you make way for your elders and the staff makes way for you. Not the case in Whole Foods. Here, the rules seemed to be the more granola you were looking the more you felt you had the right to push everyone else around. It was almost like a "I am more holier (or granola) then thou" attitude so get out of my way! Funny thing is, if you are really a granola type, you either (a) shop at a co-op or (b) grow your own food. You don't shop at a store owned by the man. I realized now that my issue with Whole Foods duplicitous image transcended the stores and infused their customers. They were a bunch of phonies, too.
Throughout the store, groups of people (mostly women) would congregate in the busiest sections and talk about.... nothing. A lot of vapid, self absorbed suburbanites talking about the latest organic this, or natural that, when in reality, it looked like these woman have never cooked a meal in their life. And they were everywhere! Every corner you turned, there they were. This, plus the narrow little isles, made it even tougher to get around (causing me to really, REALLY, rethink my stance on the mini-carts). Isn't there a Starbucks near by that they could go to instead and let those of us who want to get their shopping done do so in peace?
I found the remainder of my items (sort of). Most of them were canned items, of some organic variety, that did not come in standards sizes. Why must liberals (or pseudo liberals) be so difficult. If the US market has accepted that a standard size for crushed tomatoes is 16 oz, why does your organic crap have to come in a 14.5 oz container? Do I buy two now and have to waste one? Will they let me do that here, if they know I am going to toss it? Will the Whole Foods waste police be after me now?
I got in line, trying to get out of there as fast as possible. The bag boy came up, and I was really tempted to ask for a plastic bag (Why do they only offer paper bags? I thought killing trees was a bad thing? I use my plastic bags for garbage, so they get reused. Plus, a lot of the food in the store comes in plastic containers, so what is the big freaking deal). I walked back to my car, making sure to give a wide berth to anyone in Birkenstock and shorts and drove home.
I drove by Lunds on the way back. I was thinking about taking another path home, so I wouldn't feel shammed driving past it. I didn't though, and as I drove past it, with its green awnings and brick facade, it almost looked at me, as if to say, its okay. I know you will be back.
PS - Whole Foods crappy a$$ bag ripped apart after I got out of my car. Fricken waste of a tree.
