So you think you know Dive Bars?

"Isn't this a great dive bar" Heather said as we entered "Mum's".   It was a dark, narrow, bar, with PBR in cans at $1.75 a pop.  Plus we had to avoid a scary looking female patron who had just been ejected for smoking crack at the bar.  So yes, the place was not without its charms. But did it qualify as a Dive Bar?

The term Dive Bar gets thrown around a lot, but I don't think a good definition of what qualifies has ever been established.  There are wanna be dive bars and then their are dive bars - the places your parents would disown you if they ever knew you spent time there, although they probably spent time there themselves in their youth (and possibly met there, too.  My parents "officially" met at a Church Conference, but they really got to know each other over drinks in a somewhat suspect establishment here in Minneapolis of all places).  

Dive bars are different than other bars for a reason.  Sometimes all you want is a drink, and not to be seen.  Society places a premium on image and being a part of the scene.  That requires work and planning.  Sometimes the payoff is not worth the effort.  Sometimes all you want is to relax and have a refreshing beverage with friends, without being bothered or feeling the need to have your A-Game on.  You just want to chill in private.

Enter the dive bar:  a place completely devoid of style and refinement.  A place where you can have cheap domestic brew in a can and nobody looks at you funny.  A place where you can engage in bar games, loud arguments on the most mundane topics, and socialize with the underclass of America without anybody getting bent out of joint.

So what does it take to be a dive bar?  This was the question up for debate.  There was only one way to decide it - by hanging out in a bar drinking beer.  Call it research.  After much discussion and consumption, we came up with a list of attributes you must meet to be considered a dive bar.  In true dive bar fashion, this was written while in a bar on a napkin, so this is all going to be a bit fuzzy (the writing, not my memory j@ck@ss).  

Exterior:  

Dive bars are never on a main street. You have to go off the beaten path to get to a real dive bar.  Crowds are not their friends.  Outside signage should be minimal (bonus points if no sign exists)  Dive bars don't advertise.  The best ones are on a need to know basis.

Dive bars are typically very long, narrow establishments, but that is often based on geography (East Coast cities and San Fran).  Typically they are brick buildings and very old.  Bonus points if the building where they are located is or has been condemned.

Interior:

The key word is "dark".  Sunlight is not a dive bar's friend.  From the inside of a dive bar, it should appear to be 2am, no matter what time of day it is in the outside world. The floor should be wood or cracked linoleum.  Possibly exception is moldy, worn out carpet.  Ceilings are solid surface with possibly exposed duct work.  Ceiling fans are common features. Bonus Points if the air-conditioner is a window unit, cut into a wall and not into a window.

The bar surface should be made of wood.  Only wood.  Nothing else.  Preferably, the wood will have nicks, dents, scrapes and dents.  Walls are always dirty.  There should be at least one beer sign from a off-brand domestic beer manufacturer that is at least 10 years old.  Acceptable brands include PBR, Schlitz, National Bohemian, Rolling Rock, Hamm's, Olympia, and Miller High Life (not Miller Lite, but the High Life is okay.  Basically anybody domestic is okay except Budweiser, Coors, Michalob, Sam Adams or any Microbrew).

Bathroom:  

Against my better judgement, we need to cover this point.  Dive bar bathrooms are one step advanced from an Industrial Revolutionary era outhouse.  Yes, the toilets generally flush, but that is the extent they have in common with modern facilities.  A couple of tell tale characteristics include the brown paper towels (no electric hand dryers) and a mirror which is either cracked and/or off-centered from the sink.  Bonus Points - if the woman's room has a perfume machine or the men's room has a condom machine.  No more is needed on this topic.

The Staff:  

Everyone who works at a dive bar is a bouncer, including the bar maids.  It is part of the job.  If you are greeted at all, they don't do so with your name.  "Buddy", "pal", "hey you" is your new designation, except the regulars.  They have a different nickname.

Dive bars often have an animal inhabitant, like a dog or cat. They are as much a part of the scene as the regulars.  Bonus points if the animal has its designated place at the bar, which patrons know to avoid.  Double Bonus points if the animal has some deformity, disease or it is missing a limb or eye.

Patrons:  

The population of a dive bar is 75% male and 99% heterosexual.  Dive establishments all seem to have one, old toothless patron at the bar.  No matter what time of day or what day of the week, you can count on this person being present, with beverage in hand.  On a Friday or Saturday night, there is almost a 100% chance of a fight breaking out or someone being forcibly ejected from the establishment at some point of the evening.  Bonus Points if they advertise a "Ladies Night!"  Double Bonus Points if "Ladies Night" actually has a positive effect on the male-female ratio!

Smoking:  

Even if you live in a state with a smoking ban, dive bars seem to be exempt from this requirement.  Bonus points if they have an old cigarette machine in the establishment.

Food and Beverages:

The aforementioned domestics are a must.  in a can. Also they should have some regional beer, named after a city, that you have never heard of outside of this part of the country.   There is no prepared food in a dive bar. Only pre-packaged food or food-substitutes allowed.  Wine List:  none - take a hike Frenchy.  

Dive bars always have a happy hour, but not at the normal times.  Dive bars have happy hours that start at 9pm or later (or 3pm and earlier).  Bonus points if it is a 2-for-1 happy hour.  Also, there is no question if you are going to start a tab; it is assumed.  When it comes time to settle up, they tell you what you owe.  There is no itemized list.

Entertainment:

TV's are expected, but only certain types.  Any place with a plasma, flat screen, high-def is not a dive bar.  Dive bars have old, small, picture tube TV's, bolted to the wall or ceiling.  This may change over time when the world goes hi-def, but the truly great dive bars will still be using a coat hanger antenna to bring in the games.

For games, dive bars have real free darts.  None of that safety electronic crap.  Real darts that can cause real pain in the hands of a drunk patron making there way to the scary bathroom.  Pinball qualifies, but not the ones with electronic games built into them.  Golden Tee is a disqualifier.  Too mainstream and modern.

These are the main qualifiers for a dive bar.  I hope this guide will help you in your selection of this overlooked class of establishments.  I know it will help me the next time I need to find a place to play darts and drink some cheap PBR.  In fact.... what am I doing here?  There is beer to be drunk, pinball to be played and scary looking patrons to avoid.  

Cheers!