To be the man, you gotta beat the man

Growing up in the South brings its own set of peculiarities and oddities. Southerners can pass as normal humans in most situations, but there are some pastimes and events in our shared heritage which distinguish us from the rest of the world. For example, Pro Wrestling.

Back in the days of my youth, Pro Wrestling and the wrestlers themselves were the minor (major?) celebrities of our existence. You either went to a match and knew who they were, or you just knew who they were (and denied going to a match). We knew it wasn't real, but it was entertainment. While the rest of the country was watching "Dynasty" and "Dallas", we had the grand poetry of Pro Wrestlers, most notably, the Man, the Legend, the Nature Boy Ric Flair (Woooo!). 

For those of you unfamiliar with Ric Flair and Pro Wrestling in general, there are largely two types of wrestlers - the good guys and the bad guys. Like the Prime Time soap operas, the plot is often complex, but some characters clearly fall into one camp of the other. Like JR Ewing, Ric Flair was the baddest of the bad. The man you loved to hate.

With bleach blond hair, cocky stride and arrogant sneer, Ric was Pro Wrestling in the South for the 70's and 80's.  He not only talked big, but he won big, too.  Ric was the World Wrestling champion several times in his career (16 times by one count), a fact he never let pass in one of his taunts.  Thanks to YouTube, the magic of Ric Flair can be brought back for all to enjoy. 

Ric Flair montage

Ric - I am the CHAMP!

Ric "Reeking of sex appeal"

He described himself as "stylin' and profilin'". In the era before the truly outrageous sports figures, Ric was a trend setter, badgering opponents and fans. Some of his best quotes include:

"If you wanna BE the MAN, you gotta BEAT the MAN"

"My shoes costs more than your house!"

"Space Mountain may be the oldest line in the park, but it has the longest line to ride it!"

"Ladies, you can't be the first, but you can be next! Woooo!"

Ric had two ways of ending his rants. Either with a short "Woooo!" which was a staccto like way of saying "F-you!" or his longer, more taunting "WooooooOOOOOOOoooooooo!" which challenged you, like saying "here is the chip on my shoulder - you gonna try and knock it off?" The best was when he would combine the two - a long "WoooooOOOOOOoooooo" followed by a short "Wooo!" for added emphasis.

So why I am bringing this all up about Ric Flair? Last year for my birthday, I was out to dinner in Charlotte, NC, home to both myself and many Pro Wrestlers. I had just blown out the candle on my cake (no singing, thank goodness), and who do I see walking through the restaurant, the Nature Boy Ric Flair himself (my birthday wish had come true!). He was still a very large man, but he was looking old, although he was walking with a very young and attractive Mrs. Flair. His walk was slow, he was hunched over, and his steps seemed more deliberate. As I saw the living legend walk by, one singular thought entered my mind:

I think I can take him.

If I grabbed a chair and rushed at him from his blind side, I could probably smash it across the back of his head and knock him out. Even if it didn't take him out, it would probably stun him so much that I could jump him and punch him out before he or anyone else could stop me. 

I could be the man.

Don't ask why I thought of thought of doing this. It is part of fundamental guy genetics. All of us think about things like this. Whenever we meet some other guy, we immediately size them up and assess if we could take them out in a fight. It doesn't matter that I haven't been on a fight since the 5th grade (and I lost), it is something we all do and consider doing if the odds look favorable and the reward is great enough.

As you probably guessed, I did not grab a chair and blindside Ric. I finished desert while he styled and profiled his way to the bar.  I still think about it, though. If I had attacked him, maybe I would have been successful, maybe not. Maybe I would have gotten my @ss handed to me by Mr. Flair.   Maybe I would have gotten beaten up by Mrs. Flair.  Maybe he has an undercover posse traveling with him to prevent people like me from trying to take a shot at the title. I am sure someone else has had the same thought before.  On a Saturday night, he might have a couple dozen people who think of jumping him.  It is a tribute to his popularity, really.

In either event, had I attacked him, win or lose, I know what the outcome would have been: jail. You don't attack legends in public without having to pay the price. And while in most prison situations, I would imagine I would get beat up, easily, I think my reason for going to jail might give me a little street credibility. I could entertain my fellow inmates with my rendition of that nights events:

"I was stylin', profilin', and strutting my stuff, custom made from head to toe!  Wooo!  All these ladies were watching me - they wanted to see me - the man - take out the trash.  Ric is yesterday - I am today!  I was to be the world champion!  Ric had to ask himself the biggest question of his entire life.  Are you man enough to do what you used to do?  Could you stand toe to toe with me? Wooo!  He had to put up or shut up, and the smart money was on ME!  Whether you like me or not, when the dust settled, there was a new World Heavyweight Champion!"

"WoooooooooOOOOOOOooooo! Woooo!"