Photo of the Year

I took this photo sometime early in 2009. The location was a parking lot outside Sgt. Peppers restaurant in Woodbury, MN. I have no idea who left these diapers, or why they were left here, nor why there are two. All I know is this scene spoke to me.

I have tried all year to come up with a creative backstory to explain how these diapers ended up here, but I have been completely unsuccessful. I have tried to imagine every conceivable situation where two soiled diapers would be left on the base of a lightpost in a parking lot outside of a restaurant in suburban Minnesota, but I can't.

If the parents needed to change the diapers, wouldn't they have gone inside the restaurant? This is Minnesota - we are very kid accommodating, so even if you weren't eating here, they would let you use the restrooms to change the kids. Plus, it is really, really cold here. Wouldn't you want to change your kids inside instead of out in the parking lot? It doesn't make any sense - these were left not 30 feet from the entrance. All of this leads me to the conclusion that the kids were changed inside of the vehicle.

Call me crazy, but that sounds like a really, really tough thing to do. Even if it wasn't a poopy diaper, changing a kid in a vehicle seems tough. Plus - if they did change the kid in the car, did they stop somewhere to do this, or was the car in motion? If the car was stopped, why didn't they go inside? If they have to stop somewhere, why not at a gas station, or restaurant. If they didn't stop and the vehicle was in motion - that not only sounds tougher, but isn't it illegal and dangerous to take a kid out of a car seat to change them?

But perhaps the most perplexing part of this photo is why are there two diapers. Did the kid need to be changed twice? Or, were there two kids? From what I know about kids (limited), they don't typically behave so well when it comes to needing to be changed. Even if they were twins, it doesn't seem likely they would be on the same schedule - it seems too convenient. From the limited bit I know, if kids are one thing, it is unpredictable. The only explanation I can come up with is (a) it was one kid on a long trip and they had to be changed twice, without stopping the car or (b) they were siamese twins who share a significant portion of their digestive system and/or lower intestine, which forced them to have to go at the same time. If it was (b), though, it seems like the difficulties of changing kids while in a car would multiply.

I am looking for help from parents to explain this one to me. I am at a complete loss to come up with any sort of coherent answer for this image, or a reasonable explanation why two soiled diapers would be left side by side in a parking lot outside a restaurant in suburban Minnesota.

That is why it is my choice for Photo of the Year.

Happy 2010

Coming this Fall: Namaste, the TV Series

Last weekend, I went to the yoga studio in downtown Minneapolis. I like to yogasize occasionally in winter. I like the workout, but I also like all the drama. I am always amazed that for all the talk of inner peace, there is a lot of competition going on in the studio. Judgements abound: what type of matt do you use, where does your clothing come from, what brand of water bottle do you have, etc.

The class was predominantly female - probably 50 women in total - who could be divided into a few stereotypes, the most notorious being the Amazonian women. The Amazonians exhibit three traits: they are all very tall, very thin, and very competitive. They wear clothing to show off their ripped midsection and tramp stamps. Those without stamps typically haven't shaved their underarms lately; usually, but not always. They parade their toned physique and demand maximum space for their mats in their ritual of more-flexible-and-holier-than-thou in their fight to the top of the social pecking order. They try to intimidate what I call the normal woman, who are very nice and pleasant, and who are trying not to feel self-consciousness about wearing spandex. The there were the men. There were 13 were guys in the class, eight of which were definitely homosexual and three of whom were possibly. Nine of the guys were not wearing shirts; four of them should have been. Typically, they were much friendlier, though most of that was because they were looking for dates.

It was in the midst of all this drama, it hit me: This would be a great TV show.

Imagine a comedy set at a Yoga studio. I see it being a half-hour situation comedy. Think "Will and Grace" in a yoga studio. The drama and cattiness that have made reality shows like Project Runway and the Real Housewives such hits is all here, and it is ripe for the mocking. I just can't believe this has been picked on yet. It is somewhat formulaic, but it is one that works. It reunites that great comic pair - gossipy women and gay men.

I see the main characters would be:

Amy: Owner of the studio. Always trying to help her friends but her good intentions always fall short in execution, with hilarious results. Hopeless in love with Todd and devoutly loyal and supportive of her friends.

Todd: Amy's boyfriend and part time manager of the studio. He is putting him self through Medical School, and is somewhat skeptical of the some of the claims made by yoga practitioners, but he is deeply in love with Amy.

Electra: Alpha-female instructor. Obsessive in her quest to be the best and will do anything to stop those who challenge her. Sexually ambiguous - attracted to anyone who is hot and that she can dominate.

Blake: Flamboyantly gay, superficial, Man-ho of the yoga studio. Not particularly fit, but his humor and search for men keeps people coming back to his classes. He likes teaching beginner lady classes, so he can feel better about his chances with men.

Efren: The shy, gay, male instructor, who is approaches his yoga practice with respect and reverence. Very dedicated to his craft and wants to help others reach yoga enlightenment. The straight man to Blake's comic foil. Desperately looking for his true love.

Gary: Accountant who works next door; Does not believe in yoga nor particularly like the studio, but too timid to do anything about it. Think Lundergard from "Fargo"

The show will is set in Minneapolis. Why? Only three shows have taken place here: Mary Tyler Moore, Little House on the Prairie, and Coach, being the last one. We could make up a lot of jokes about the competition between Minneapolis and St. Paul. Since most people have never lived in either one, we could make up a lot of stuff. Plus, the idea of having a hot yoga class in a climate that is really cold makes me laugh.

Action takes place primarily in the Yoga studio. The series premier would focus on introducing the characters and the drama between Amy and Todd and their feelings about Yoga. Amy wants to open up the benefits of yoga to others, while Todd just considers it a cult. Other episode ideas include:

Ladies Only Classes: Amy gets the idea that they need to offer women only classes, to attract more women and make they feel more comfortable. Only problem is Electra is teaching them, and her alpha-instincts and belittling behavior make the women feel only worse. Blake doesn't like the idea and starts offering men-only classes to bring in more date prospects for himself.

Hot Yoga Intro: Efren gets the idea that they need to have a week of free hot yoga classes to get more people to try it out. It helps bring in business, but the only problem is most of the folks who show up are homeless people, who are looking to get out from the cold.

I think it will be a hit. Anyone who who has contacts in the business and is interested in representing me, drop me a line.

Namaste

Things I hate about winter

Tuesday night, we had the beginning of our first big snowstorm of the winter. We knew it was coming. We knew it could not be avoided. Still, the reality of seeing my car turned into a snowdrift made me sad.

I opened the trunk of my car and woke my trusty, giant sized, ice-scraper/snow-brush combo. I hated waking him up from his blissful six month hiatus, but like a true friend, he was ready to help me out when I needed him. After de-icing my car for the first of what will be many times this winter, and putting my ice-scraper to its designated spot inside the car, I realized, there are some things I really, REALLY, hate about winter.

Driving:

Top of the list has to be driving and all things road related. I hate having to be cautious, and I hate all the over-cautious drivers. As a Southerner, I really have no right to bitch about other drivers being safe; I was one of the slowest on the road when I saw those first flakes fall many years ago. But after a winter or two of practice, you learn how to drive in this stuff. Yes, you need to be cautious, watch your stopping distances, but some folks take it to the extreme. There is a big difference between being safe and being an complete wussy. I know, I know, all the locals say the same thing, "better late then dead" with an air of Scandinavian self-righteousness. Stuff like that makes me think "better punch them in the face then having to watch them prove themselves right."

The worst is the new snow. The roads get covered over and nobody knows where the lanes are really located. Amazingly, most people seem to deal: eventually visible tire-tracks form which are agreed upon by most drivers. I say most drivers. SUV a$$holes need not apply. Every new snow, they decide to act like Lewis and effing Clark and form their own trail across the road, spraying everyone with snow and jamming the makeshift lanes. Yes, you may technically be right and your car may be in the official lane, but when the snow comes down, it is "Lord of the Flies" time on the roads: you can only push it so far - the law won't help you here.

The "magic" of snow:

And speaking of new snow, every year I hear this crap about the "magic" of new snow. New snow is very pretty, but the "magic" is only a temporary state. It is only magical up till a week past Christmas. Once the holiday season passes, snow becomes one big pain in the ass you have to walk your drunken ass home through at 2am. By February, there is no magic left; it is just keeps going on and on. It is like going to a strip club, or watching a porno movie: after a while, enough is enough.

Insulation vs. Fat

Speaking of nekid bodies, sometime this winter, you will unexpectedly catch sight of your nekid self in the mirror and go "damn!", and not in a good way. Winter time brings added caloric intake, but at some point, you cross over from "adding seasonal insulation" to "its a new addition!". Yeah, no one likes this, myself included. The longer you live here the harder it is to avoid. You look for new and different ways to cover this up, which brings us to....

Sweaters:

I like clothes and I am not afraid to shop for new stuff. The item that I have the most trouble with is the one you need for the winter months: Sweaters. I have two problems with getting new ones. First is, I am very sensitive and ticklish. Any sort of heavy, scratchy wool is no good. I can feel it itching me through two other layers. Second, I have a deceptively big head. Its huge, actually. Borderline Shrek-head. I think I wear a size 7 3/4 hat, even with a haircut. Finding a sweater than can accommodate my cabeza takes a lot of work. Pretty much, it has to be a v-neck.

I found some warm, soft, v-neck sweaters and I guard them like gold. They are the only ones I can wear, and quite frankly, there are getting old. It makes me think, maybe I should live in a less sweater-dependent climate. Which brings me to my next complaint.

Realization that I could be living somewhere else:

I consider my best super-power the ability to sleep anywhere, anytime. I do not possess that survival instinct that prevents me from feeling comfortable in a strange bed or location. In primitive times, I would be dead meat. My only Kryptonite for sleep is when I really, REALLY, have something on my mind, which causes me to wake up at exactly 4am. Precisely 4am. No more than 1 minute off from this time. If I have some serious thinking to do, it will wake me up at 4am, and I am pretty much screwed for sleep the rest of the night.

Why do I bring this up? Because more than once I have been woken up at 4am thinking "there isn't any reason you couldn't be living on a beach." It is not a thought to easily push out of your mind when you are wrapped up to your nose in flannel sheets. I have been woken up by this realization several times over the past year - or by its close cousin - "what is stopping you from living in Vegas? You like Vegas? Why not live there!"

Anyway, that is my bitch of the day. I was able to get home, accident free, after an hour of driving a 20 minute commute. I know winter won't be so bad once I get into it. It is very pretty here and there is still lots to do even with the cold. Just so long as I don't have to drive there....

Happy Winter