Fifth branch of comedy

I have maintained there are four things which are sure fire, never miss, laugh generators.  These things have no apparent connection to each other, aside from the fact they always seem to produce a good chuckle, no matter what the situation is or context (or lack of either).  These four things are:

1.  Ducks

2.  Midgets

3.  Short Bus

4.  Cartoon Characters for cereal (e.g. Trix Rabbit, Lucky, etc)

These four items form the basis of most all of my comedy and comedy attempts.  It can be both the actual item, or just the word or concept.  You don't actually need a midget to create a laugh.  In fact, I think midgets can be scary; but the word and concept of midget is in itself quite funny.  Same holds true with Boo Berry.  

There is no scientific proof why any of these are funny, aside from the first one, ducks.  A few years ago, I was told a story about a group of researches who tried to figure out what animal was considered the funniest.   This was supposedly a real, funded project.  The researches would tell a joke to a group of subjects along the lines of "a priest, a rabbi, and an animal go into a bar...".  For each group, they would change the animal, and then have the subjects rate which joke they thought was funniest.  The animal choice that came out as the funniest: ducks.  I was told this story after I had shared my list with a friend; I don't know if his research story is true or not, but all I know is that ducks are a comedy treasure trove. 

The beauty of this list is you don't have to work these items into a joke.  You can just say them, and they are bound to get laughs.  Next time you are at a party, and there is a lull in the action, just say "short bus" and I guarantee you will get a laugh.  Works every time.  Or start talking about midgets - always gets a laugh.  It was at this same friends house, and he had a double magnum wine of wine.  As ridiculously oversized as the wine bottle was, I thought it would be even funnier if the wine was being served by a midget.  Dress him up in a jester's outfit, and make him talk in a British accent all night, and you would be rolling ("more wine for you mum?"  ha-ha-ha!!  I'm laughing just thinking about it!).

So why am I sharing this list?  Saturday night, I found a fifth item to add to the list.  I got invited to a bad sweater party.  I have slowly weeded out most of my really bad sweaters over the years, so to get into the spirit of the party I made a trip to the thrift store.  There I found a particularly horrible holiday sweater vest (see photo).  As bad looking as it was, what put this items over the top, was item #5:

5.  Bells for buttons

This sweater had holiday Christmas bells for buttons.  Whenever you moved, they jingled.  All night.  Any movement.  It was non-stop comedy.  People came up to me all night just to ring the bell buttons.  If there was a ever a pause in the conversation, all you had to do was wiggle, and laughter ensued.  It was non-stop entertainment.

The next day was kind of a downer.  The weather got really cold, there was no party to go to, and my clothes are o' so quiet.  Thinking ahead, I know tomorrow will be the same - another day of quiet clothes.  I don't see bell buttons making a comeback; I think they will be destine for the fashion sidelines.  I guess they are one of those things that only come out now, and why this is a special, magical season.

Good jingling

PS - short bus