...and the Oscar should go to...

So Friday, I having lunch with my friend SeaBass and the discussion goes to the Academy Awards.  I still can't get used to them being so soon.  I don't mind that they are done closer to the year the movies were released; I just don't like the fact they now take place in Winter, which has inadvertent effects on the fashion choices.

No, my real complaint with the Academy Awards is they are totally corrupt.  I draw this conclusion from three different events:

1.  Jack Lemmon being denied a nomination for "Glenngary Glen Ross".  One of the greatest acting performances in the past 20 years, and he does not even get nominated.  

2.  James Cameron  winning Best Director for "Titanic".  In my opinion, the movie was good; not great.  It was very good especially versus its competition that year, but it breaks a trend the Academy had held to for years - Best Pictures did not go to popular movies.  This was the excuse given why Steven Spielberg never won best director, until he did something completely different, namely "Schindler's List".

3.  Bob Marshall not winning Best Director for "Chicago".  The movie won six oscars, including best picture, best editing.  Roman Polanski won for Directing "The Pianist" who of course could not accept, as he is, ahem, wanted by the US Government.  Chicago didn't win best director, although best pictures don't direct themselves.

There are countless other snubbings that occur every year, too.  Paul Newman being one of the most famous snubbies, having been nominated by not winning Best Actor for six movies, including "The Hustler", "Cool Hand Luke", "The Verdict", and "Absence of Malice" before winning it for "The Color of Money".  It was a makeup Oscar for a fairly regrettable movie, saved by a great bit appearance by a young Forrest Whitaker.  It was a make up Oscar for Newman, whose career certainly merited several Best Actor wins.  

Then there are the regrettably crowd pleasing awards (Marisa Tomei, "My Cousin Vinny", your table is ready!).  She won for the same reason there are other bizarre picks:  Money and Good Feelings.  Hollywood wants people to leave movies feeling happy so they will come back again and again.  Downer movies rarely get picked unless (a) the movie is so overwhelmingly good it can't be ignored (see Steven Speilberg, "Schindler's List") or the fact that the actor has not won has become an embarrassment, and/or the Academy is afraid he or she will pass away before they get to be in a really good movie again (see Morgan Freeman, "Million Dollar Baby").   

So SeaBass and I decided in order to have meaningful Oscars, there is only one thing to do:  Add more awards.  By adding some token, light hearted fun awards, Hollywood can tout movies to the public that will be crowd pleasing, AND award winning, which will help bring in the crowds and money they need.  That way the real Oscars can focus on the truly best, no matter if it is a downer movie.  

So without further delay, our new made up awards and winners for 2007:

Best Cameo Appearance:

Often times actors and actresses get nominated because their role was funny, memorable and short.  Their part is not big enough to justify a supporting role, but without them, the movie would have been significantly less fun.  For 2008, our pick was Sacha Baron Cohen for "Sweeney Todd".  His part added much needed comic relief to that 2-hour song and dance blood fest.

Best Make Up Award:

Given to that actor or actress who we don't think is going to live long enough to do another meaningful movie and we want to make sure they get some attention, and by attention we don't mean appearing in the segment of the show where the show all the people who have died in the last year.  Last year's winner would have been Peter O'Toole .  This year, the winner is Ruby Dee in "American Gangster", barely nudging Hal Holbrook for "Into the Wild"

George Clooney Award:

SeaBass had a theory to explain why George Clooney inexplicably always gets nominated: "The Academy loves George Clooney".  After watching "Michael Clayton", this seems to be about the only theory that makes sense.  He is a fine actor and a good looking man (a d@mn fine looking man!), but this movie was a poor man's version of a John Grishan novel with the part of the young idealistic lawyer played by Mr. Clooney.  Our pick for the 2007 George Clooney award is, not surprisingly George Clooney.

Feel Good Movie Winner:

Given to that movie which had a very modest goal and ambition, which delivered with a feel good movie we could all enjoy.  Past winners would have included "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" and "Bend it like Beckham".  For 2007, it was a tough field, which included films like "Waitress" but the winner is "Juno". 

The "We won't ever award you anything because you won't shut up" Award:

2007 had a clear winner - and it is the same one almost every year - Michael Moore for "Sicko".  You will never win again because the Academy Awards is not your personal soap box. 

Best Acting by a Minor:

In my opinion, kids should never be nominated for best actor for two reasons.  First, I think the standards for a kid getting a nomination are much lower than an adult.  I am sorry, as cute as Abigail Breslin is, she is not in the same league as Cate Blanchett, but they were both up for the same award last year.  The other reason is I think nominating kids fuels parents pushing kids into acting.  They all want their kid to be the next Tatum O'Neal getting nominated at age 8, and competing against the adults.  Instead, create an award for anyone under 18.  My choice for 2007 is Miley Cyrus/Hanna Montana.

The "That was him/her?" Award:

Going to the actor or actress who has only appeared in a few films, but the roles were so incredibly different, we had to give them an award for showing their range and acting ability.  Past winners would have included Jackie Early Haley, who played bad-@ss Kelly Leak in the original "Bad News Bears" but after a long departure from film, came roaring back in "Little Children".  This years winner would be Paul Dano, for his role as Eli/Paul Sunday in "There Will Be Blood".  Dano, you may remember played the silent brother Dwayne in "Little Miss Sunshine."  

My hope is this year will have some good winners, but overall it was a disappointing year for me in the theaters.  I hope "No Country for Old Men" will win best picture, but it isn't the crowd pleasing fun movie that makes you feel good.  Without token awards to get the public out and feeling good, I am afraid the Academy will give best picture to something a little softer and fluffier.  

Yep, "Enchanted" #1 in the box office next week.