Traffic Violations

Last night driving home I got another speeding ticket. This is my third. All three have been in Minnesota, on the same stretch of I-94. The other two I had gotten on the way to work. This one was on the way home. I clocked in officially at 72, but he wrote it down as a "citation" at 65. I think that means I pay the fee but he said it would not go on my record, so I hope it doesn't effect my insurance.

I was reminded of an article I read on how to improve your chances of getting out of a speeding ticket. There are a few things you are supposed to do, and not do:

· Turn your engine off
· Have your window rolled down before the cop gets to your car.
· Have your hands visible and resting on the steering wheel.
· Do not be reaching into the glove box or your wallet searching for your license or insurance. There will be time to get those later.

The idea is make the cop relaxed. From a cops perspective, they have no idea who you are when they pull you over. You could be a gun toting lunatic for all they know. You put them at ease, and maybe they will return the favor. Maybe. I am not sure if it worked tonight - he gave me a break but I am not sure how much that was because I followed those steps.

I could not help but remember the first time I got a ticket, back in 2001. I was on my way to work on a Friday. I remember because it was my turn to bring in donuts for the department. It was a tradition in the department for us to have donuts and bagels every Friday. It was a nice way to end the week, and this week it was my duty to bring in the donuts (bring in the donuts… sounds like a bad line from an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. "Bring in the donuts you bastard! Or else I will put holes in all of you!!" Alas, I digress).

Anyway, the other part of the tradition is have the donuts and bagels there by 8am. I am not a morning person. I was running late, not that this is the reason I was speeding. I speed every morning. And evening. And every time I am behind the wheel of a car. I was speeding in known cop-infested roadways. I was doing about 75 in a 55. I was due for a ticket. I had never had a ticket before, despite years of speeding, so I knew I was due to get one. It is just like the Wildebeest crossing the Serengeti. One of the herd gets taken out while the others survive. Eventually, the odds will catch up with you. We all have it coming.

This being Minnesota, the cop was real nice. Rather than be a hard ass, he asked me in a very friendly Minnesota accent, "so, is their a reason you were doing 75 in a 55?" Note, saying your rushing to get donuts for the department by 8am is not an excuse that will work.

Anyway, after checking my record and he says he can't believe I don't have any tickets, considering how long I have been driving. It was at this moment I thought I was going to get out of a ticket.

But no. I was doing 20 miles over the speed limit and he had to write a ticket. He only wrote it for 65. I thought he was going to let me go and that would be the end of the story, but no, I was wrong. This is where the story gets interesting.

He asked me about my out of state license plates. I still had NC plates on my car. I knew that I only had a few months to change my plates, but I was too lazy to actually do it. He asks me how long have I lived in Minnesota. I said a few months, which I knew was a stupid thing to say the moment I said it. You see, I had changed my drivers license over 9 months ago. I got called for Jury Duty in NC. Changing my residence was only my way to get out of it. I was motivated to change my drivers license but I wasn't nearly as motivated to change my license plates.

When he asked me how long I had lived in Minnesota, he was holding my license. All he had to do was look at the issue date and he could see through my lies. But he doesn't look. We instead have the following conversation:

Cop: "Did you know the State of Minnesota only gives you 60 days to change your plates?"
Me: "No, I am not aware of this (although my friends Jeff and Marni have reminded me of this every day for the last 10 months)."

Cop: "You see after 60 days the state of Minnesota considers it an attempt to set up false residency or avoid taxation."
Me: "uh hun, uh hun"

Cop: "Well the problem is after 60 days, the state considers it a criminal misdemeanor."
Me: "uh hun, uh hun, what?"

Cop: "You see that is a fine and jail time."
Me: (thinking) "what are you talking about"

Cop: "And you don't look like the type of guy who should be going to jail."

What they heck does that little comment mean?!?! Did he think I was going to be somebody's b!tch candy in prison? I did my best to suppress my bitterness and rage at being falsely outed as prison currency. So long as I was not sent to a maximum security facility, I felt confident that if I was sent to prison, I would be able to survive and corner the cigarette trade. I suppressed my desire to prove him wrong and bit my tongue, rather than say something that would get me thrown into jail.

I like to file this incident under "this crap only happens to me." Only in Minnesota can you be simultaneously be complimented and insulted in the same breath. And have to pay a fine.