Besmirching Squirrels

Stupid

2012-01-14T13:39:00.003-06:00

I should have known it before I left my home this morning. I should have seen the warning signs, but I didn't. I had gone and made myself stupid.

I am not sure how it happened, or when exactly it happened, but it happened. The day started normally enough, I woke up, read in bed for a while (though I had trouble focusing on what I was reading), got up and made breakfast. Sometime between waking up and leaving home a few hours later, my transformation became complete: I have become a complete and total, mouth-breathing idiot.

After breakfast, I lounged in front of the TV, watching reruns of "Firefly" a series that I only partially liked, and one I could borrow to watch anytime I wanted (note: my friend Amy loaned me "Firefly" and the movie "Serenity" and I had them at home for over a year, before I watched either one. So yes, when I say I was only mildly interested in watching it, I really mean it). But, as lukewarm as I was to the series originally, it was on TV now, which meant I didn't have to choose. Plus, since I had seen the whole series, that meant I didn't need to think about a new plot (warning sign #1).

Worse, I was not really watching, but kinda listening. I will turn on the TV for some background noise, especially if I have a task to do. However, today's "task" was playing games on the iPad. Not a thinking game, like "Scrabble" (d@mn all my opponents - I have been waiting for your move since last night. you could have helped save me by making me think!). No, I played, Solitaire, one of the more mindless games out there. Yes, there is some thinking and strategy, but not much. On the scale of intellectual ability, playing Solitaire is the equivalent of Patrick the Starfish. At this point, I was basically at the level of a mouth breather (warning sign #2).

The real coup de grace, was when I decided to finally leave home to run some errands. I managed to shower and dress myself relatively easily, but when it came to locking up, that is where the problems really started: I forgot how to lock my door.

I knew the key went into the funny hole, that has groves, but I forgot which way to turn it to lock the door. Odd. It has been the same door I have lived in for 11 years. Same key, too. It is something I do at least once a day (usually more), so I have gone through this same process over 4000 times on this door alone. Even more times if you count other locks I have encountered. Still, I was mystified about how to turn the key to lock the door. This is made even sadder in that even if I didn't know, there was still a 50-50 chance I would get it right.

What is the cause? Not sure. I have had spontaneous bouts of stupidity before (once I forgot how to turn on the washing machine. honestly. I stared at the controls and I could not remember which one made the water flow and the thing with the things move quickly). Sometimes it is caused by a cold; I did have a bit of a snot buildup, but nothing bad. Sometimes work: I was a busy week and I did work late last night, but I got to the gym and had a great workout. Personally, I do have a lot of things going on today, and that I need to do this weekend, that have been top of mind. It is one of the reasons I don't like to plan my weekends; I need time to rest the brain cells.

Whatever it is, I don't like it. There is a lot to do, that I need to get done, but all my mind can do right now is think about, um, .... well, the fact that I really shouldn't be behind the wheel of a car. Hopefully this will pass but in case it doesn't, my apologies to anyone I interact with over the next few days. I will do my best to control my mouth breathing.

Happy thinking.

Michael Moore Hates America

2012-01-08T13:13:00.004-06:00

This morning I watched "Michael Moore Hates America", a movie that came out in 2004. It is a film by Michael Wilson, who takes a page from "Roger and Me", and spends the movie tracking down Michael Moore for an interview. Along the way, meeting up with folks who appeared in his earlier films "Roger and Me", "Bowling for Columbine" and "Fahrenheit 9/11".

My feelings on Michael Moore have changed over the years. I liked "Roger and Me" when it came out. I never saw "Bowling for Columbine" for the simple reason that watching a movie about guns and dead high school students didn't seem like a fun way to spend a Friday night. I did see "Fahrenheit 9/11" and I hated it so much, I have never gone back to see one of his movies again.

I never voted for George W. Bush (I have a long standing track record of always voting for the losing candidate). I walked out of "Fahrenheit 9/11" thinking three things:

1. This was not a documentary

2. There are inconsistencies in this movie that contradict itself

3. Why are people standing and applauding?

Documentaries by definition are objective representations of the facts. There was very little objective commentary in "Fahrenheit 9/11". I had spend enough time studying to be a failed film-maker to understand how he framed his opinions, to give the appearance of honesty, while promoting his position, and most importantly, while not saying anything personally. It can be argued that every movie or story has a bias, making it impossible to be truly objective. It is impossible to represent all the facts in any movie, or newspaper story; the act of editing inherently creates a bias (which is why I have intentionally calling "Michael Moore Hates America" a movie, and not a documentary.)

What was more disturbing about "Fahrenheit 9/11" was the contradictions. Michael Moore's strategy on the film was to throw as many insinuations on the screen, seeing which ones stuck. When I spoke with friends (the Michael Moore leaning ones) about the contradictions Moore makes within his own film, the arguments were dismissed with a "everyone lies" comment, so its okay.

That makes no sense to me. The ends never justify the means.

That led me to the part that I never understood: people standing and applauding at the end of "Fahrenheit 9/11". It didn't make sense to me until I saw "Michael Moore Hates America". The film has a lot of interviews with film makers, lawyers, and Penn Jillette (of Penn & Teller fame). One of the people interviewed says it best: If you are a passionate fan of Michael Moore, you are willing to accept his lies, because it supports your views. If you are not a fan, then no matter what he says, no matter if it is true, you will hate his movies. He can not change your opinion. All he can do is stir up rhetoric.

And he is right. Wilson interviewed people on the street, who saw "Bowling for Columbine" and "Fahrenheit 9/11". He asked them what they thought of these Michael Moore. If they had a favorable opinion of him, he asked what would you think of Michael Moore if you found out he fabricated his movies, or used deceptive methods to get his point across. Turned out, it didn't matter to these people because they agreed with Moore's views. It doesn't matter that he lied; he shared their opinions, so it made it all okay. Of course, this could all be another film trick by Michael Wilson. We only saw a few Moore loyalists interviewed. He could have interviewed 100 of them, and only the handful we saw on film were willing to ignore the lies.

I would suggest seeing the movie, but if you know Michael Moore, I doubt it will change your mind one way or the other. Voters on IMDB agree. Overall the movie gets a 5, but if you look at the breakdown of the votes, you get a different picture. Of the 2623 user votes, 28% voted it a 10 (Excellent) while 31% gave it a 1 (Horrible). None of the other ratings got even 7% of the vote.

You either love Michael Moore or you hate him; this post won't change your mind.

Forgotten Heros of the Empire

2011-06-27T20:03:00.003-05:00

When Star Wars fans speak of the Empire, they invariably think of the big name bad guys: Darth Vader, General Tagge, the Emperor, and for those of you who like the new trilogy (weirdo-freaks), the Darth Mauls, Chancellor Palpatine, Jar-Jar.

But to think of the Empire in purely evil terms does a disservice to lesser known heros of the Empire; those brave men who risked death for standing up for what was right. (side note - why was everyone in the Empire a man? Was it chauvinism, or something else.... For that matter, why were they all British, too? Alas, I digress....)

Today, we celebrate one of these lesser known heros of the Empire: Chief Bast

The Chief, played by Leslie Schofeld, had apparently only one line, but it was a critical. Much like Rosencrantz and Guilderstern, his screen time was limited, but his role proved critical. For it was Chief Bast who analyzed the Rebel's plan of attack and realized that yes, there is a danger.

Was he rewarded for his initiative? No. Was his warning headed? No. Was his tact in bringing up such a delicate matter appreciated? Hell no. For his troubles, he recieved nothing but scorn a verbal lashing from General Tagge for overestimating the Rebel's chances.

We think it is time for Chief Bast to be praised for displaying the initiative, intelligence and discretion that all good officers should demonstrate. Had you only been successful in warning others of the danger, we might not ever have to have seen an Ewok.

Chief Bast: We salute you!

an impossible uphill battle

2011-06-05T17:59:00.003-05:00

Do you know a company is saying when you call in and you have to navigate through their phone system just to get your question answered? It says, our time is more valuable than yours.

They might as well say, sorry customer, but we don't have time to waste talking to you; we would rather you navigate a complicated phone tree, which is set up to serve our purposes and not yours, and if you are lucky, we might only subject you to 15 minutes of listening to lame marketing promotions you are going to ignore but we are hoping that if you are subjected to enough you will crack and buy some add on service that you do not want, and eventually, after making you wait, we may get to your call and eventually give you the honor of spending money with us. This is the message I am hearing, and I am sick of it.

The latest one that put me over the edge was my run in with BlueMountain.com. I wanted to send one of their e-cards. I was happy to pay for it but that was not possible. You have to set up a subscription to get their cards (another pet peeve, but one rant at a time). They were willing to give a one week free membership, which I signed up for, and which I planned on promptly dropping as soon as the card was received and opened. A few days after it was received, I went back on their website to cancel out. Problem #1, you can't cancel your subscription via the website; you must call in. So I call. Problem #2, you have to call during business hours in order to cancel. So, I call in during the work day (something I loath....don't waste my work time; that is something only I have the privilege of doing). I navigate their damn phone tree entering all the information and confirming (several times) that yes, I want to end this "relationship".

It took about 15 minutes, but the part that drives me craziest is that I never actually spoke to a person. For some reason I had to call during work hours, navigate an overly complex system, just to end something I never wanted to begin with, all for the privilege of dealing with an automated system. Humm...it is almost like they want to make it so complicated that I will give up and let them charge my account every month....

In the end, nobody won. They got no money and I had to waste my time. I will not go back to them again; there are plenty of other options for e-cards which have yet to annoy me. Maybe their lame strategy works and it keeps people paying for a subscription that they don't invest the time to end, but I doubt it.

In any event, I am encouraging a boycott of all companies whose customer service phone line puts them through an unnecessarily long process, and especially those that make you listen to marketing campaigns instead of letting you talk to someone who can resolve the issue for which you called. I know this is an impossible uphill battle, but I'm going to try.

Happy shopping.

Lemmy

2011-05-22T15:45:00.004-05:00

I like movies. To me, a good night can be as simple as seeing a really good movie. I am a huge fan of almost any genre, except one: movies about musicians. I find most movies about musicians (or concerts), to be at best, self-serving praise, or more likely, boring as hell.

That all changed for me this past week. I saw "Lemmy".

"Lemmy" is a biography of Lemmy Kilmister, of Motorhead fame. The tagline for the movie sums it up well, "49% Motherf**ker. 51% son of a bitch." I admit, before seeing the movie, I didn't know much about him, or Motorhead, outside of their song "Ace of Spades". If it wasn't for the folks on 89.3 The Current here in the Twin Cities, I would not have known this movie existed, much less would I have seen it. Of all the movies that came out in 2010, this one could be my favorite.

Lemmy is about as normal as you can get for a rock star. He has no entourage; fans can walk up to him in bars and get their photo taken with him for free. He lives in rent controlled apartment in LA. He has no pretensions about his greatness. When asked if he really thought he would still be playing now that he is in his 60's, he replied, "I'm not qualified to do anything else."

But at the same time, this is a guy who lived his life the way he wanted to, and he didn't care what anyone thinks. If he thinks you are an SOB, he tells you it to your face. Nothing is held back, and no apologies are made. Musicians and fans love him for it. Ozzy, Alice Cooper, David Grohl, along with a cast of others, all praise him as the Godfather of metal, but also because he did it the way he wanted to, and f-off if you don't like it.

I give it a big thumbs up. Jim Bob says check it out.

So what....

2011-05-20T12:54:00.002-05:00

Today I am beat up and physically sore.

I have been trying to get into good shape, particularly the cardiovascular, which for me is, well, lacking. About a year and a half ago I changed my workout routine to CrossFit St. Paul, and it has been an improvement. The workouts have been brutal, and I still have a ways to go, but I have been happy with the progress. That was, until Wednesday's workout: the 1/4 mile walking lunges of death workout. It was a good workout, but my legs are shot. To borrow a quote from Lili von Shtupp, "everything below the waist is kaput".

Today as I hobble around, aching every time I sit (or stand, or walk), I had to ask myself, so what if tomorrow really is the rapture?

First off, I don't believe the faithful will leave our world at 6pm Saturday May 21, 2011. But if it does happen, what would I have done differently? Top of my list, I would not have done that d@mn walking lunges workout which has made it difficult to get around. Second, I think I would have stopped working out altogether, and probably ate a lot more junk food (tonight's nights dinner: bacon flavored spray cheese and wine!). That is the beauty of knowing when things will end. It removes a lot of personal responsibility and accountability for your actions. Had I know absolutely and without question that tomorrow would be the day, I would have engaged in a lot more reckless activities. I would have picked up smoking, or hard core drugs. It wouldn't matter - it was all going to end soon. Also, I wouldn't have bothered with saving for retirement or any sort of other financial planning. I would have spent like a drunken sailor.

After that, I am not sure. There are things I would like to change about myself, or that I would have liked to try, too. The good news is there is still time. There is nothing stopping me from making any of these changes, except myself. So while I think the rapture believers are a bit nutty, at least they have provided a good reminder to reevaluate your life, even if it is for the wackiest of reasons. A little introspection is good now and then.

Also, I will be traveling most of next week, so chances I won't see many of you. Do not take this as a sign I have left you behind.

"...must be willing to wear a harness."

2011-05-05T19:06:00.003-05:00

A few years back, I was in Las Vegas for fun with a group of friends from Minnesota. It was February, and we had a few hours till our flight, so we were sitting outside, soaking up the 50-degree sun. I started flipping thought the newspaper, and in the want ads, there was a listing for the following job:

"Borg needed: Male, 5' 10" to 6' in height, 160-180 lbs, must be willing to wear a harness"

It was a listing for a Star Trek themed show, or casino (I'm not really sure). They needed some "actors" to play a Borg; based on the description, I fit the bill. The harness might prove to be tricky, depending on how high off the ground I might be (fear of heights), but as for the rest of the requirements, I fit them perfectly. Plus, I'm a bit of a Star Trek geek.

For those of you unfamiliar with the Borg, they first appeared in "Star Trek: the Next Generation". The Borg are humanoid but with cybernetic implants. They are both man and machine. They are all part of a "collective", which shares the experience and knowledge of all members throughout the hive. They are devoid of emotion, and they seek to enslave other races to join the collective ("Resistance is futile"), and some of them apparently wear a harness. So besides fitting the basic physical parameters for membership, this was a philosophy which I think I could really get behind.

So why I am bringing this up?

No reason, really. I just remember this story whenever I think about career decisions I have made, and the other career paths I could have taken. I am not unhappy with the choice I made and I don't want to be an Actor for a career, much less a Borg. But still, it might have been fun to play one for a little while, just for the experience.

It is a shame that most people can not take off from their jobs for say, a six-week sabbatical, to try new, random jobs that strike their fancy. I think it might be a good way to stop folks from daydreaming about what they might have done if they had the chance to try it out some of these other career paths. They could try them out, and if it is not as enjoyable or rewarding as they thought, they could back to their real job without any repercussions, and my guess is with more focus and enjoyment then they had before. I think this is a policy everyone would enjoy. In today's economy and job market, it is unlikely to happen, but maybe, someday, it would be possible.

And yes, if I could take off time to try something new, it would be a monorail conductor.

So Osama bid Laden is dead...so why am I worried?

2011-05-01T22:21:00.005-05:00

So the news is being relayed around the world. Apparently Osama bid Laden is dead. So why I am so worried and why do I think this doesn't make one bit of difference?

Yes, he is (was) a horrible person. Yes, he declared war on the US and yes, I am glad he is gone. But so what? He was one man in charge or an organization that was (and still is) hellbent on destroying the USA. Their figurehead leader is gone, but the threat still remains.

Sorry CNN, I do not see what this does to improve USA's "prestige" in the world. It took the USA, the lone superpower (for now) - both economically and militarily - almost a decade to kill one man. How this improves our stature, much less secures the world, I do not know. His control over the al Qaida organization was questionable. Post 9/11, how many terrorist attacks can be attributed to him? Did he personally orchestrate and plan all these attacks, or was he a figurehead, a symbol of anti-Americanism? The USA has in effect martyred this madman. His death will be a recruiting tool to would be terrorist around the world. Al Qaida's war against the USA is not over. It will be fragmented among many potential leaders, many of who we do not know.

Today, I am happy for the families of folks who died on 9/11 (RIP Dan McNeal). I am very proud of the troops who have fought and died overseas for the last 10 years in search of this madman. Yes, the world is a better place that he is no longer here, but now I am worried. We don't know what to expect next.

On Sept 11, 2001, there was the sense of surprise and fear: we were attacked without reason or cause and from an unknown enemy. Today, I fear the same will happen again.

Greek Easter Pick up Lines

2011-04-21T19:13:00.003-05:00

If you are Greek, this is comedy gold! If you have friends who are Greek, share this with them. It will give them a much needed laugh this week. Trust me - its gold.

GREEK EASTER PICK-UP LINES:

#1 Hi there. Can I buy you a candle?

#2 So, do you come here often? Yeah, me neither.

#3 You know, the scent of your perfume really compliments the smell of your burned hair

#4 Would you like a flower?... I got it from the Kouvouklion...

#5 The light of that candle really hides the fasting-induced black circles around your eyes.

#6 Do you like this version of Hristos Anesti?

#7 Would you like to go for a walk around the block with me...my mother, sister, yiayia, Thia Sofia and my 3 cousins?

#8 Don't know the words either huh?

#9 That shade of lipstick looks great on you and the ikona.

#10 Nice eggs

April is the cruelest month

2011-04-17T13:23:00.006-05:00

"April is the cruelest month" - T.S. Eliot, "The Waste Land". Or as I like to abbreviate the sentiment, April sucks.

Very little good happens in April. The NCAA basketball tourney ends, but in my head, that is still part of March. Opening day for baseball is cool, but that is about all that comes to mind. On the other side of the ledger we have unpredictable weather (sun one day, snow the next) and taxes are due. I hate taxes.

"Taxes are the price we pay for civilization" - Oliver Wendell Homes, Jr.

I understand the concept of taxes and yes, they are necessary. What I hate is the randomness and morality which is in effect legislated by tax policy. I'll use myself as an example: In the last year, like most people, I did not get a raise; I feel fortunate my wages did not go down. I never bought a home, so I did not contribute to the property bubble. I kept my finances in order and I did not run up excessive debt. I have no children or other dependents, so I do not burden the school system or social programs. I spend money in the local downtown economy, paying the higher city taxes, and I walk there so as not to pollute or add to the congestion. Despite all this, I not only do I owe taxes, but the amount went up, and for the life of me, I have no idea why.

This irony of this is I should have bought of an overpriced house, to get the tax break. I should have overextended myself, then declared bankruptcy. I should have had a mess of kids and get the tax break for that. The irresponsible actions would have saved me money. All of this gets at the root problem for me: the implied moral legislation behind taxes.

Someone postulated a theory that home ownership promotes stability in the community, resulting in a reduction in crime. It is for this reason that interest on home mortgages are tax deductible - to promote home ownership and stable communities. Great theory, aside from one problem: It is not true. Germany has a lower percentage of people who own their homes (under 40% vs. 67% for the US), yet, Germany has a lower crime rate. Married filers have advantages, too, but for reasons unknown to me. Like a discount for having children, both of these appear to be credits/bribes for engaging in socially approved behavior. Meanwhile, those of us who are single and childless must pay extra for the benefit of your spouses and offspring.

I am not asking for any special treatment; all I ask for is equity and fairness. I am willing to pay my share, and have others pay their share, too. Yes, I am a big fan of flat tax rates not only because of the fairness it brings, but also because it would suddenly eliminate the needs for tens of thousands of accountants and IRS agents. Unfortunately for this year, it will end like other years: me paying extra taxes, asking why our tax system is set up to discriminate against my morally unacceptable lifestyle, and never getting an answer why. Instead, I am told I owe more.

That is why April is the cruelest month.

I hate these pants.

2011-04-12T12:58:00.004-05:00

Today, I was wearing tweener pants. I hate these pants. They cause me nothing but pain.

Tweener pants are ones you can't tell what color they really are; they seem to straddle two color pallets. In this case, black and navy blue. When I bought these pants, I thought they were black. Or maybe I thought they were navy blue? I can't remember now. All I know is that most times when I am getting dressed, I can't tell if they are black or if they are dark blue. In the end, it really doesn't matter. I hate these pants.

I am not the most alert person in the morning; I know and accept this. So to identify the color, I have had to rely on different methods and tricks. I have several pairs of pants by this manufacturer, so I can't distinguish them by the label. When I bought them, I remember marking the inside tag with a laundry pen in blue (or maybe black?), so I could easily identify the color. That worked, till the mark faded. Now it looks blue, and kinda black.

Now I have to resort to holding them up to other pants - ones that I know are black or blue. By comparing them, you should be able to tell the difference. It worked - softa. They definitely looked different than the ones that were black, which was good, until I realized they also look different from the ones that I knew were blue. Natural sunlight is the best way to tell the color. Since mornings in winter are dark in Minnesota, these pants don't get worn much in the cold months. But now that Spring is here (don't jinx it!), they are getting into the rotation more. The last two times I have worn them, I noticed something that makes the whole point moot.

Last time I wore them, I was sure they were black, so I wore a black belt and shoes with them. Turns out they weren't black, but in fact blue. I looked like a fashion dork all day. I set the pants aside, pinned a note to them that said "BLUE", and I decided to wear them again today, but this time with a cordovan color belt and shoes. That didn't work. Today they looked like black pants, and I look like a dork for wearing the wrong color belt and shoes.

These pants have it in for me; I have decided to take this as a personal affront. Fortunately, I work at a place with many fashion challenged individuals, so I still look a cut above the rest. Right now, I have no idea what to do with these pants. I can't treat them like they are black or blue, and I don't have the fashion chutzpah to pull of something avant garde. The worst part for me is they feel good and they look good on me. I don't want to lose them, but I am out of ideas on what to do about them. Any and all suggestions are welcome.

I hate these pants.

Pickle "upgrades"

2011-04-08T12:25:00.005-05:00

When did it change, that when you order a sandwiches or a burger, that the default become a "yes" for pickles?

I know it wasn't always this way. I remember growing up that it was an option - some liked pickles, others of us wanted no part of those diseased, vile interlopers oozing their putrid juices on the rest of our food.

Somehow, somewhere along the line, it changed. Now you get a pickle automatically. To get things the way they were, you now have to exert effort. You have to take steps to get things back to the base state, and even then, there is the risk that your food will get contaminated. A changed that is supposedly for our good is forced upon us, whether we want it or not.

I feel the same way about technology and software upgrades.

I don't know why there are so many upgrades and changes to devices that I use and like. Changes in appearance, changes in functionality, changes in what information is captured (and shared) occur on a weekly basis it seems. Security upgrades and fixing software bugs I can see, but that should not affect the user interface; those changes should all be behind the scenes. It doesn't explain or justify the changes in functionality upon items we have gotten used to and liked.

The answer for the change probably all comes down to one of two reasons: Money and Whiners. Either someone figured out a new way to make money on a device that we already liked. So a change was made - sorry - an "upgrade". Or, there was a group of very vocal proponents who wanted things different. I would like to think that this group represents the majority, but I doubt it. They are just the loudest, so they got their way. Just like the pickle lobby. Now we all have to suffer. The "improvement" makes people who were happy and loyal, annoyed, and the whiners wanted the change get rewarded for being a pain.

You can call me a luddite, but it should be taken it as a complement to the manufacturer that I liked the old, non-upgraded stuff. I am not looking to change. You made a program that was good the first time and I have no need or desire to change. Don't piss me off by trying to "upgrade" it.

Enjoy upgrading your new apps and software for all your devices this weekend. I'll be watching movies on my VCR and playing Atari 2600.

TV Dramas

2011-04-05T20:56:00.004-05:00

Why would anyone want to watch a tv drama?

I was thinking about this Monday night, when I was bemoaning the fact "Big Bang Theory" was moved to Thursday, the NCAA Basketball game sucked (and not just because UNC wasn't in it), and the only thing good on TV was "Gone with the Wind." Watching all that disease and dying in the hospital reminded me how popular shows like "ER" and "St. Elsewhere" were in their days, and for the life of me I can't figure out why - why would anyone would ever watch those shows?

Doesn't everyone life have enough drama in it? (except mine - as of last week, I am problem free). Why would anyone want to become emotionally involved with the problems of others, who are (a) fictional and (b) don't give a crap about you?

Yeah, so, maybe it is good TV and well acted, but so are a lot of other things on TV. Why watch something which will ultimately be depressing? Comedy, sports, Mysteries, reality competitions, News (i suppose) seem like a better use of free time and escapism. Drama - we got that covered already. Why would anyone want more? Are there people going through their day going - yes, I need more emotional stress in my day, so I will assume the problems of fictional characters?

Weird.

Maybe I need to be a chick to understand this. Maybe people watch this in the hope that all their problems can be solved in one hour if they watch enough of these shows. If anyone has insight on the topic, I would love to hear it. In the meantime, I'll be watching SpongeBob reruns and laughing my @ss off while you cry into your remote.

Happy watching!

Oscar Justice

2011-02-21T20:51:00.007-06:00

So last weekend I spent part of the snowy Sunday watching "The Last Emperor". It has been out for over 20 years, and I was amazed at how good it still is to this day. It was a well told story, with an epic quality in its scope, well deserving of its status as "Best Picture" plus the eight other Oscars it won. Sometimes, I had to admit, the Oscars get it right.

Sometimes.

More often they eff it up.

So it starts like it always does, with lunch with SeaBass. I know it will happen, I just don't know when, but sometime in the month of February the Oscar bashing will occur. This year, the topic focused on mistakes.

I have almost given up trying to improve the Oscars. My attempts to improve the Oscars with new categories has failed miserably (check past rants in 2008, 2009 and 2010). So instead of trying to offer positive solutions for improvement, for 2011, I am out to punish past injustices (no more carrot, it is ALL stick). There are certain movies and actors which won, which should not have taken home Oscar glory, while some languished, bravely applauding, while wondering "what?!". So for 2011, I think it is time to right the wrongs, and retroactively awarding the major awards to the movies that should have won, but didn't.

Best Picture:

"Saving Private Ryan" over "Shakespeare in Love", the winner in 1999. "Shakespeare in Love" winning the Oscar was the result of a very clever and effective marketing blitz, that took a very good movie, and convinced everyone it was great. With the benefit of hindsight, "Ryan" is the picture that has stood the test of time, and still has that epic quality you look for in a Best Picture; unlike "Shakespeare" which is just a very clever romantic film. However, the decision to right this wrong was not an easy selection. Also under consideration was "Shawshank Redemption" losing to "Forrest Gump", "Dances with Wolves" beating "Goodfellas", "Gladiator" inexplicably beating a host of other films, and "Titanic" winning in 1997 (Actually, even though it is a completely overrated movie, I don't hate "Titanic" that much. What I really hate most is that "Titanic" is spawned a generation of imitator films, set during a major historical event, which is told through a love story which seeks to impose itself of said event, e.g. "Pearl Harbor". The parent should suffer for the crimes of the child).

Best Director:

Easy. Rob Marshall for "Chicago" over Roman "the Rapist" Polanski for "The Pianist". "Chicago" was nominated for 13 Oscars and won six. It won two parts of the triple crown, that every best picture should win: Best Picture, Best Editing... but no best director. That honor went to Polanski. To put it simply, best pictures don't direct themselves. Did the Academy really think that a movie could win so many awards and receive so many nominations by, what, luck? It takes a skilled director to do it all, and Marshall got the shaft.

Now, granted, Roman Polanski winning the award did lead to possibly the most unintentionally funny moment in all of Oscar History when his name was announced as the winner. The audience was looking around for him in the theater, until the PA announcer chimed in and informed everyone that "Mr. Polanski is not in attendance tonight because he will be arrested and incarcerated the moment he steps on US soil for drugging, rapping and sodomizing a minor." Okay - I made part of that up, but he is still a pervert.

Best Actor

Mickey Rorke in "The Wrestler" over Sean Penn for "Milk" in 2008. This one is almost too recent to qualify, but the politics behind this one were too strong to be ignored. The debate on gay marriage obviously had an influence on voters minds; a vote against Penn was a vote against homosexual rights. It is a shame this debate in the political world had an unfortunate and unintentional effect on Rorke's performance, one of the best of his career and possibly the best male acting performance in the 2000s.

This correction narrowly beat out one of the greatest injustices, in 1992 when Jack Lemmon did not even get nominated for "Glengarry Glen Ross." That year the award went to Al Pachino for "Scent of a Woman". Seriously. Also losing out in the retribution awards was Paul Newman getting denied for "The Hustler", "Hud", "Cool Hand Luke", "Absence of Malice", and "The Verdict". Shameful.

Best Actress

Cher for "Moonstruck" in 1988. I don't really care who wins in her place. I just hate Cher. Pick anyone in the last 20 years and I'll be happy. Give it to Meryl Streep for one of the 12 times she deserved to win, but didn't, and that's fine with me.

Best Supporting Actor:

Supporting actors and actresses are tough calls; a small part can have a huge impact, even if the acting wasn't that great. Actors sometime win just because it was a fun role. The one injustice that has bothered me is in 1991: Jack Palance winning for "City Slickers" over Gary Oldman who was not nominated for his performance as Lee Harvey Oswald in "JFK". To put it simply, Oldman did a better job of playing Oswald than Oswald ever did playing himself. Its hard to take away an award from an old guy who does one armed push ups in his acceptance speech, but look back at JFK, and Oldman is what made that movie great (so long as you don't believe everything in the movie is true).

Best Supporting Actress:

Judi Dench in "Shakespeare in Love". One of Oscar's many problems is there is no guidelines for how big a part you need to qualify for Best Actor/Actress or for Best Supporting Actor/Actress. Daniel Day-Lewis suffered this misfortune in 2002 when his brilliant performance, but in a secondary role in "Gangs of New York". His part was too small to compete with Best Actors, which he lost; had he been nominated for Best Supporting Actor, he probably would have won. Judi Dench though had no such problem. Apparently, she packed enough in her eight minutes of "Shakespeare in Love" to win the award. Bullocks, I say, bullocks. Her winning for "Shakespeare in Love" was an insult to the other deserving actresses, but an even bigger insult to Ms. Dench's impressive body of work. A more deserving winner: Lynn Redgrave for "Gods and Monsters".

We these small corrections, the Academy Awards could take a big step to writing past wrongs. I only hope they don't make new ones this weekend.

Happy watching!

Quest for water pressure

2011-01-13T19:47:00.005-06:00

Like everyone, I have some vices. At the top on my list is taking a really good shower with strong water pressure. Really, really strong water pressure. I don't need some fancy euro-trash designed shower head, just something that will deliver lots of water, fast. It is an obsession of mine, and on the scale of vices, I think it is fairly harmless.

I like feeling clean, and I like the good jolt of water to remove the dirt and grime. Also, I have a powerful mop of hair that is water resistant. It takes a good, strong flow of water to wet down the fro and wash out the shampoo. I need something with a water flow of 4.0 gallons per minute or higher. Yet, those of us who want teeth rattling water pressure have been deemed social parasites, and enemies of mother earth.

Try to find a shower head that deliver more than 2.5 gpm. If you can find one, let me know. I will pay good cash money for one, legality be damned. My old faithful Speakman head, which delivered a good 5.0 gpm once I removed the restrictor plate (yes, I am outlaw), is on its last legs. 15 years of good service, but it is clogged up. I need a replacement, and I can not find one. I could score drugs faster than I could an non-restricted shower head.

I realize that my offer to pay good cash for an "illegal" shower head makes me the enemy of the green movement. Why they have target just showers is a mystery to me. I am unaware of any other household restrictions on water flow; there are none for tubs, pools, washing machines, kitchen sinks, garden hoses or sprinkler systems. Only showers have been targeted. I had always felt that the whole savings via a low flow shower head was a crock. Green resources claim that a low flow shower head can result in water savings. By reducing the flow to 2.5 gpm (or 1.6 as some would want), an individual saves 28.2 gallons per month. That translates $6 a month, or $72 a year. Beyond being a pittance of an amount, this assumption is based on one faulty premise:

People spend the same amount of time in the shower with an unrestricted shower head as they will with a low flow shower head.

Bullocks, I say, bullocks. In hotels and other places with restricted flow, I spend twice as long in the shower trying to get clean (and never succeeding). My time, and the water used, increases. Add in the extra cost of running a fan and lights longer, and I waste more time and electricity in the shower just because some tree hugger who hasn't showered in the last year has dictated how much water is acceptable to use.

Interesting point on water: my job this last year has focused on the water industry, specifically leaky pipes. Water loss through transportation is a big problem. The average country losses between 25-40% of its water supply in transportation. So before it even gets to your home, basically one-third of your water supply is lost through leaks that you never see. If someone wants to reduce the amount of water wasted, start with fixing the leaks. If that idea is too practical, here are two others that would better address the problem of water conservation:

1. Become a vegetarian: Residential use of water is about 20% of the total used. Commercial is about 12%. The rest - approximately 67% of all water - is used in agriculture. Most water is used to grow food, and not all foods consume the same amount. It takes 2,500 gallons of water to produce one pound of beef. Low flow showers save (what was it?) 28.2 gallons a month, or 338.4 per year. Tell you what, I promise that I will reduce my burger consumption by one burger per year, so I can have my water pressure back, and we'll call it even. The green movement will still come out ahead in water conservation.

2. Price water to the Market: water in the US is highly subsidized. In Europe, it is 5-10 times higher than in the US. Let the true cost of water be born by the consumers, and let those who value it pay for the amount they use. I will gladly pay for my water consumption; its my vice and I don't expect anyone else to carry the cost.

The part of unrestricted flow shower heads I can't get over is the irony of making them illegal. Consider this: Guns are legal, cigarettes are legal, both of which can kill you, or someone dear to you. Taking a shower is socially acceptable and hygienic, yet it is restricted.

Happy showering

Fly me to the moon

2010-12-31T16:34:00.003-06:00

This year I have spent a lot of time in planes and airports. To me, this is one of the greatest environments to observe human behavior; people's true colors come out for all to see. I am on my last flight for 2010, using the free Wifi, and I decided this is an appropriate time to list my observations, questions, and a few rants on how air travel could be improved.

Airline announcements:

Have you ever noticed that all airlines make their announcements in the terminal using the same format: Airline, flight number and maybe destination. Why don't they start with the city? People tune out quickly (okay, I do) and I don't want to wait to listen to something which may or may not be relevant to me. People are much more likely to remember their destination than a someone arbitrary collection of numbers, so start with the airline and city - flight numbers only really matter to the airlines and the air traffic controllers.

Priority list for security

I have never understood why there is a priority lane for airline members with status or first class. I have been a beneficiary, of this policy, but it still doesn't make any sense to me. I understand the concept from the airlines point of view - they want their best customers treated well, but the TSA is a government entity. Seems like undue influence on a government operation by the private sector. I can't think of any other situation where a company can have such a visible influence on a government operation, particularly one that deals with safety.

Drinking and pre flight announcements

I try to pay attention when the flight crew is giving the pre flight announcements. I am no Cpt Sully; I just feel bad for them going through the whole routine, which we have all heard a hundred times, and no one pays attention. I feel like if they can get at least one person to politely listen, they might feel less frustrated about their job. Basically, they have to cater to a bunch of whinny children in adult bodies; doesn't sound like fun to me so let's do at least one nice thing for them.

I was thinking about how frustrating their jobs are, while listening to the safety instructions, while I was having a pre-flight cocktail. Then it hit me: how can I be reasonably expected to remember the emergency procedures when I am getting sloshed, courtesy of the airline? I am now under the influence (or possibly further under, depending if there is a delay); my faculties are being compromised while critical information is being given. As the airline is acting as the enabler, how can I be responsible for any of my actions? My sympathy for the good folks in the air grows.

Soup on a plane:

I was flying home recently through Atlanta (which I hate, aside from the Chick-fil-a right by gate A-10), I get the upgrade (score) and there is dinner on the flight (score x2). The choices aren't that good, but acceptable, but get this: the side item with my sandwich is soup.

Okay, I have no room to complain - I am getting upgraded and I am getting food - but doesn't soup seem like a really, Really, REALLY bad idea to serve on a moving plane? Liquids on any moving vehicle tend to slosh, and the ground based ones only travel in two dimensions (usually). Airplanes must - read MUST - travel in three dimensions. The potential for spillage increases exponentially. Fortunately it was a smooth flight so no issues. But the next time I might not be so lucky....

Pets vs people on plane

I have some friends with severe pet allergies. One person I know can't be in the same room if a cat has been in there, even if the cat is gone. So what happens if a person brings a pet on a plane and there is another passenger with severe allergies? What do they do? Do they move them apart? What if they are both in first? Who gets moved: the allergic or the pet owner? What if it is a small plane and not enough space to separate the two and someone needs to get bumped? What are the rules? Every time I see someone bring a pet in a carrier on board, I wonder if this will be the time I finally learn what happens. So far, no luck.

ADA bathrooms

There is a great law that passed in the 90s called the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA). It insures that any new or remodeled commercial buildings or space eliminates barriers to those with disabilities. One of the more common examples of the ADA at work is with the large stall bathrooms, which allow for someone in a wheelchair to rotate. The law says there must be a 5' circular area so someone in a wheelchair could turn around. How airlines have been able to avoid compliance with this law is beyond me.

The restrooms on planes seem to be getting smaller and smaller, so that even sub 6-footers like me can't go #1 with contorting into a strange position (funny side note: on my visit to see the fam this Xmas, my nephew said he had to go #3. In the words of my sister, I don't want to know what that means). Anyway, with all the new jumbo sized planes being designed, I hope this issue gets addressed.

Boarding procedures

Airlines have tried boarding in rows. Now they are trying in zones. Neither works well and the trend is getting worse. If you want to board an airplane efficiently, try this: board by window, middle, then aisle seats.

The biggest holdup to boarding is the constant flow of people back into the one row for handling traffic. If no one had to get out of their seat, the amount if time to load a plane would be greatly reduced. This happened to me first hand once before. One time I was flying out of NYC. Our flight was late and we had a very narrow window to get our departure slot. The counter agent ordered everyone in the waiting area to get in their rows and seats, and loaded us in the plane in the manner. Status didn't matter - it was all about efficiency (a woman after my heart). The whole plane got loaded and we pushed off from the gate in under 10 minutes.

Exiting planes

I like it when the pilots stand outside the cockpit when passengers disembark. I like to thank them in person. I don't have a joke, or snide comment to make; I really like it when they do this. If anyone knows a commercial pilot, please ask them to do this; I like thanking them for not crashing.

Happy trails from 24,000… no, feet.

The Streak vs. The Streak

2010-12-14T12:37:00.005-06:00

Brett Favre's consecutive game streak of 297 games starting at quarterback came to an end Monday night. It did not lack the drama we expected: a collapsed Metrodome roof gave him one additional day of rest to try and come back from his injury. Before the game started, all you had to was look at his swollen purple and blue right hand and you knew the streak would be over. There was no way he could game through this one, even for a token series, as some Brett-Lovers would have liked. His streak was over.

Now, two almost inevitably things have happened: First, a new streak watch has begun in the NFL to see who is in the lead (I believe is a Manning). Second, comparisons begin as to whose streak was more impressive - Cal Ripken Jr's MLB streak of 2,632 games or Brett Favre's. I don't really care about the debate, but it brings up something that has bothered me ever since Cal Ripken's streak ended Sept 20, 1998:

Cal Ripken is a bum. He should be ashamed of the way his streak ended.

Favre - love him or hate him - could not play on Monday; no one has argued that point. His shoulder and hand were a mess; he may never play football again. Lou Gehrig, the former Iron Man for MLB, played in 2,130 games, until his body, ravaged by the disease that now bears his name, would not let him play anymore. He died two years after his streak ended. Cal Ripken didn't play on Sept 20, 1998 because.....

Yeah, there is a reason you if you can not remember why: there was no reason. He wanted the day off. According to Ripken, "I think the time is right." Click here for full story.

Did Cal Ripken deserve a day off? Yes. Unquestionably, yes. He played hard every day and every game, in a position with a very high injury rate. He played the game with class and decency. Very few players have his character and appeal.

Except on this one point.

On the day his streak ended, he disappointed us all. For 16 years he put his head down, worked hard, and showed us virtue was its own reward. That is until Sept 20, 1998. On that day, he proved he was just as lazy and worthless as the rest of us. He showed us it was okay to wuss out, give up, and think of yourself instead of the team. Worst yet, he was praised for this behavior. No one every questioned why he stopped. He was celebrated for the next three years until he retired in 2001, and he is still considered a baseball god today.

All of this for giving up because he didn't feel like living up to the obligations of his teammates and fans. For this blatant show of laziness, he was praised. It was decision that set a very bad example for all athletes. Should it be any surprise today that we now have a generation of athletes, who only think of themselves (and the money) like Randy "I play when I wanna play" Moss.

It is an unfair double standard for Ripken (and Favre); other players routinely take off games with no consequences. But when you are the focus of a streak, you are held up to another standard. For better or worse, you are made into a role model. Your actions are scrutinized far closer then is fair, but this is hardly surprising news for athletes. They know what they are getting into when they sign the contract for all that money. They have an expectation they have to live up to, and Ripken blew it with the way he ended his streak.

Yes, the O's were 1000 games out of first place when Ripken ended his streak. So are the Vikings. Favre is no saint. His is hated by 98% of Wisconsinites (the 2% is probably a sampling error). He is a prima donna, who loves the attention and will give it - either to a willing public, or unwilling one (via text pics). He won a big game, and he has lost them, too. But the guy loved to play and he was willing to do so had it been possible.

It is a shame it wasn't possible for Favre. This will (most likely*) be his last season, having left it all out on the field, unable to continue his streak any further, setting a new record for endurance and a new standard for perseverance for the NFL. I wish I could say the same for Ripken.

Eastern Europe: Day 7 - Tallinn, Riga

2010-10-02T04:51:00.000-05:00

About morning flights on Baltic Air - no one bothered to shower before the flight except me. I didn't ask anyone, but I am fairly certain it was true. Actually, check that, I don't think anyone bothered to shower for several days in preparation for the flight, except for me.

I've noticed for these flights, there is no boarding by rows. People wait in line, until they say it is time to board, and then everyone shoves their way onto the plane. To me, it seems reminiscent to shopping in Soviet times, when people would wait for hours to get into a shop which may or may not have what you want. Funny thing is, the shoving was fairly minimal - folks respected the queue for the most part (as long as you were moving). Even stranger, I think it took less time to board using this procedure vs. the way we do it in the US.

Speaking of the people, in both countries, there were a lot of angry looking old ladies who were giving me the evil eye. Actually, they gave it to me and anyone within eyeshot. I don’t think it is anything personal - just a general hatred of those who have it so easy now.

I was flying through the great transit hub of the Baltics, Riga International Airport (RIX), again. I deplaned at about 9:30 am, and had two hours till my next flight, so I had time to hang out at my favorite coffee shop/bar in RIX. I got coffee. Some others were getting beer. The coffee was good, but the thought of an ice cold Zelta was very tempting….

I was told that the nicest of the old towns was Tallinn, with Riga a close second, followed by Vilnius, Lithuania a clear third. Granted, Vilnius was not as big or nice an old town, but it was nice. For anyone traveling to the Baltics, I would recommend starting in Vilnius, then moving north. I can comment on Riga, but from the travel books it looks like fun. Next time

Eastern Europe: Day 6 - Tallinn

2010-10-02T04:50:00.000-05:00

This was the one day I did not have anything planned or scheduled. It was a free day to wander the city with no scheduled events. This is usually not a good thing for me, so I made up a few quests and things to do.

One of them was to try to find a decent souvenir: something for my niece and nephew and if possible, myself. There are shops everywhere, all of them seem to be selling the same stuff. There was very little differentiation in products or prices, I noticed. About the only difference was in the shopkeepers: the Estonians just looked at you suspiciously and fidgeted till you left; the Russians were friendly, open, and assured you they had more sizes, colors, varieties, and items '"in the back".

The Russian stores were more fun, but sometimes they were too pushy. Eventually, I figured out how to have a pleasant experience in an Estonian store: Enter as quietly as possible, but make sure you close the door solidly. Say hello politely, making eye contact for just a moment, then look away. Walk around the entire store slowly, so they know you are considering everything they have to offer. Do not touch anything. If you leave without purchasing anything, be sure to politely complement them on their store and thank them for letting you come in to shop. By following these steps, I was able to coax out some smiles.

I ended up not buying anything. About the only thing that looked somewhat interesting were the items made out of amber, but personally, I hate the look of amber, so no sale. I did find one nice art store, that created things out of textiles. They had some very interesting items for sale, one I was considering buying, until I realized the price was in Euros, not Estonian Krones (a difference of about 15x).

I spent the afternoon checking out the design museum and the history of Tallinn museum - both very good. The strangest "find" I made was that there is a Depeshe Mode tribute bar here. It was ranked by Lonely Planet as the 5th strangest bar in the world, a fact they proudly displayed at the entry. The entire bar was decorated with Depeshe Mode posters, pictures, and other memorabilia, while concert footage played in a constant loop over the TVs. Drinks were named after popular songs (I had a "Personal Jesus" - it contained vodka and some other ingredients, written in Estonian that I couldn't place. It was good - Jim Bob says check it out). I was only me and the bartender, who was wearing headphones when not making drinks. I had to ask, why? Why a Depeshe Mode tribute bar (in Estonia of all places - but I kept that part to myself). The answer I got was "the owner of the bar is a huge fan. The bar has been around for 11 years now and all it has ever played is Depeshe Mode. No other music is allowed." I asked what about Johnny Cash's version of "Personal Jesus" - would that be allowed? "No - only music by Depeshe Mode", at which point he put back on his headphones, presumably to listen to something else.

Dinner was good; it was at a local pancake place that our guide had recommended. They served very hearty pancakes - with fish, or meat. I had one with pepperoni, that was quite good. It had warmed up some today and it was a clear night, so I spent the evening walking the town and checking out bars, without my camera. Tomorrow morning I will have to fly out.

I'll miss you, Tallinn. 'Twas fun.

Eastern Europe: Day 5 - Tallinn

2010-10-01T05:39:00.002-05:00

I started out the day with a walking tour of the city. As I mentioned earlier, the Estonians are not the most warm and friendly people. They want you out of their shop quickly and that includes those in the tourism bureau, too. I used this to my advantage. I had enquired about city tours and the only options they provided were for officially sponsored bus tours throughout the city. As a rule - I hate busses. I hate bus tours more. I asked about walking tours and other options. None were available (now get out), but I kept asking in other ways till she cracked. Eventually, she let me know there is a free walking tour organized by students, but she could not vouch for the quality or sites we would see. She told me where it met, as her eyes pleaded with me to leave, so she could get back to her empty shop.

There were five us on the tour. I was the only American, though there was a fellow from Japan, who lives in my old hometown of Charlotte, NC (small world). Everyone else was staying in a hostel, which is how they found out about the tour. The tour was conducted by a 20 year old student, who was quite personable. It was free, but you can tip at the end if you like. I only made one faux pas: I asked the guide, because of your age, do you have any memory or point of reference for life under the commie Russian regime? He let me know his parents were Russian. Oops.

I like the walking tours; you get a good insight of the city and the unedited version of history. He talked a lot about the medieval history of the city, but also the changes in the 1990's, the privatization of industry, the corrupt rulers, and how bad a shape their country is in today. Funny, the tour guide from Lithuania spoke very fondly about how well run Estonia is and how she wished her country was in as good a shape as here. I told the guide this and he scoffed. "Estonia is run by criminals! They stole all our equipment for manufacturing and sold it is scrap metal! We have no industry or skills and corruption is high!" It was at this point, I started noticing a little one-upsmanship between the Baltic's. It appears to be a point of pride as to who has suffered most.

As we were wrapping up the tour, the discussion came to food and beverages. My guide confirmed that, yes, A le Coq beer tastes like crap. He gave me new beer suggestions and places to check out. Also, he showed us an off the beaten path place that served Estonian versions of pirogues. I had a bowlful that cost about 200 Estonian Krones, or about $1.85. They were good, damn good.

Afterwards I went to the Museum of Occupation. Like Lithuanian, they had a museum to commemorate the bad times, but it was very good museum. Basically, the theme of the museum is they hate the Russians and they are disappointed in the West. The three Baltics were forced to accept Soviet rule in 1940, who promptly made every resource a public good an reorganized their entire industry. Not surprisingly, the Estonians were happy when the Nazis invaded in 1941; anything was better than the Ruskies. It is like Churchill's views of Stalin: my enemies, enemy is my friend. In this case, the friend was Nazi Germany. The Nazi's didn't grant independence, but they did undue the central planning and economic policies put into place. This would only be temporary, as in 1944 the Soviets invaded, again, and they would not leave until 1990. The country felt betrayed by the West, who in 1943 gave the Baltics, and other Eastern European countries up to the Russians. You feel for these folks: they were all arch anti-commies, who were given up by the West to the Soviets. It was very sad to see film of the older generations, who believed fervently for years that the US would come in and save them from the Communists. But after the uprisings in Hungary and Czechoslovakia were crushed, and the West didn't help, they had to come to the painful realization that no one was going to save them.

There was a lot of one-upsmanship here, too. Not only who suffered the most in the Balkins (Estonians naturally!), but also who became independent first. Officially, I think Lithuanian declared it first, though it was granted for all three at the same time. Estonia likes to highlight that they were the first to hold a massive demonstration and rally in 1987, while the others sat back and watched (I am reading between the lines, but check out the movies and decide for yourself)

The films are available on the website - they are quite good:

www.okupatsioon.eed

I had a good dinner at a green restaurant that served meat. Whenever I think of green, organic places, I guess that I assume that means they are vegetarian, too. I guess not; they did a good job that pork! The bar he recommended was good, but the beer was primarily English, with some Belgium and German. No Lithuanian or Latvian brews, either. I guess in the sprit of one-upsmanship, comparing whose beer was better (or worse) isn't allowed. As an impartial observer, Estonian beer is the worst.

Trust me.

Eastern Europe: Day 4 - Vilnius, Tallinn

2010-09-30T11:24:00.002-05:00

For my last half-day in Vilnius, I went to some (more) Churches that I had not been able to get into. They are all very nice - I just hope I remember which is which when I go back through my pictures. The only place in town I did not get to was the Museum of Genocide. I am not sure if that is an accurate name or not; the Museum is about the Soviet Occupation from 1944-1990. I don't think there was much of a Jewish population here - they are almost all Catholics here. Still, it is not for me to challenge. This was a major new museum, and I am sorry I could not get in to see it.

I am fearing the worst with this airport, so I get there about an hour and a half early. Based on the Soviet-era looks of the join, I am envisioning hours of waiting to get on a plane. This was not the case. There is no waiting. Literally, none. There is no one in line at check in and no one in line at security. The security guy looked to be in his mid-50s, and he looked like he had seen it all. As "tough" as security is post 9/11, I bet it was a piece of cake compared to the days of the USSR.

The flight was fairly uneventful. It was on AirBaltic. I was a bit worried, but I figured, if this is the end, it has been a good life. That put my mind at ease until we came in for the very rough landing. I recanted - there is much I need to do, still! The airport in Tallinn, Estonia, and again, there is a very nice, very new airport. This one is in a floated concrete, wood and glass theme. Very stylish, but I bet it will look like crap in 20 years.

I am staying in the heart of old town, an incredibly charming old town. There is no other way to describe it; it is absolutely amazing. Like Prague, but with a minimal number of cheesy, tourist shops. Everywhere you turn, the old town, is picture perfect. Only one problem - it is cold! Somewhere in the 40's (maybe) and windy. The Minnesotan in me refuses to admit that I'm uncomfortable (this does not even qualify as a "little cold"), so I press on. I make my own walking tour route through town, including a climb up St. Olaf's church, which offers magnificent views of the city. Unfortunately, that means you are up high, and my fear of heights kicks in again. These will not be my best photos.

I have dinner at traditional Estonian' restaurant, which was quite good. Yes, there were potatoes and some type of cream sauce, but the food was good, aside from the pickled pickles (double yuck). I end up chatting with an Australian couple, who was having trouble adjusting to the cold (I had wondered where people who live in a country with an almost perfect climate go for vacation . Estonia, is apparently the answer). They had arrived recently, too, and the one thing we both agreed upon was the lack of warmth with the Estonian people. As charming as the city is, that did not transfer to the people who actually inhabited it. In most every shop or store we had walked into, we got the distinct impression they would be happier if we were not there.

I found a decent bar that night to watch some footy matches. I retract what I said about wanting the distribution rights for all Baltic Beers. Latvian beer = excellent. Lithuanian beer = very good. Estonian beer = tastes like @ss. A le coq sucks. And I gave it many tries - still, it did not improve.

Tervist!

Eastern Europe: Day 3 - Vilnius, Uzupio

2010-09-30T01:45:00.003-05:00

I learned more about the language and history of Lithuania today. Apparently, even though the three Baltic countries are very close together and get grouped together, their languages are extremely different. I thought it might be like Spanish and Portugese, but not at all.

Back in the commie days, the older generation had to learn both Lithuanian and Russian. Now, they learn Lithuanian and English. I was speaking with a Lithuanian, who spends time working in both Latvia and Estonia, and I asked what language do you use when you travel there? English.

What about Russian, I asked. I mean, if everyone had to learn it growing up, and since they are such a large trading partner, could not you use that instead? "Sure, you could use it," she explained, "but you wouldn't get an answer. You don't use Russian unless you want to drive someone away." The reason why everyone speaks English so well is becoming better understood by me.

The other thing I have noticed about the people here is they are white. I mean, really white. There are no minorities visible here at all. I think I have seen one Japanese, and they were a tourist. Everyone else here is very white, tall, and thin. All the women are like this - they all have that tall, thin look with interesting faces that advertising agencies look for in their models. They are everywhere. Even through the country has only 3 million people, they could easily find enough women to have a Supermodel reality show here. (Not a bad idea, actually - Lithuanian's next Supermodel! The winner gets a US green card)

I spent the evening in the "Republic" of Uzupio. This is a neighborhood of Vilnius, which on April 1, 1997, declared itself an independent republic. No one knows how serious they are about being independent, but they declared it and have a constitution of rights posted in several languages. The whole neighborhood is largely run down and inhabited by artists. It is very quirky and odd - they tore down a statue of Lenin and put up one of Frank Zappa (what is the connection between Frank Zappa and Lithuania? none.).

The Constitution has quirks of its own, such as declaring that all people have the right to be happy; it also states that people have the right to be unhappy. It reminds me a bit of my undergrad university, UNC - Chapel Hill: no matter what the protest group, there was always a counter protest group. Also listed as a right was the right to hot water. I think we in the west take that one for granted, but in the former Eastern Block, yeah, I could see that being a good right to state. Despite the bohemian flavor, Uzupio has one of the best restaurants in town, called Tores, which offers spectacular views of the city.

For more on Uzupio and the Constitution:

History of Uzupio

Constitution of Uzupio

Eastern Europe: Day 2 - Vilnius, Trakai

2010-09-29T03:17:00.003-05:00

I spent the morning on a tour of the old Royal Castle, called Trakai, located about 45 minutes from the city by bus. The tour is all in English, but it appears to be mostly folks from either Scandinavia, Russia, Germany, or somewhere else that they don't speak English. I feel very fortunate English was the lucky language chosen.

The tour guide is very good and she talks a lot about Lithuanian people and history, with a good deal of sarcasm mixed in to her stories. I like this tour a lot. She made a lot of jokes about how they were not completely barbarians in the early days (just partially). She explained the history of the country - how it was a huge empire, then it was small, then non-existent, then it was back for 20 years, then gone in WWII, then back again. Still, most of the people in the country are Lithuanian (about 85%), with the rest either Russian or Polish. I don't know that I could tell the difference in looks, but it is a point of pride that the country has maintained their Lithuanianness, so I let it go. The Soviet hatred is beginning to come to the surface.

The castle was built by the first - and only king - in the countries history. After that, there was a dispute over who would be the next king, which was never resolved, so they ended up with a long series of dukes and arch-dukes. The leaders however were fairly progressive for the 1300's, with their views towards religion, property and rule of law. We learn the castle was a central defense against the Crusaders. Yes, those Crusaders. Apparently, Lithuania is on the way to the Holy Land. They fought against the Crusaders for 200 years. What was even stranger about this conflict is the country had converted to Christianity, through its association with Poland. Still, apparently that conversion wasn't enough (wrong brand, I guess)

On the ride back, we learn more about Lithuania, the education system (20 universities for a population of 3.2 million). Economically, the country has suffered like others. They are not on the Euro, but hope to be (someday…). We ask her about the differences between the three Baltic counties - Estonia, Latvia and Lithuania. Although we group them together, they apparently can not be further apart. The Estonians have modeled themselves on Finland, and they see themselves more as a Scandinavian country. Their language, economic system, and government are all based on Finland. Latvia, we learn, has a large Russian population, which causes tension in the country between those who want closer ties with the west vs. the Ruskies. Lithuania, is an island, they feel. They are not close enough to Scandinavia, so they needed another country to work with closely. Germany is too far away for any meaningful ties, and Russia - "Uggghhhh!!! Never!!!". That leaves Poland, which they don't feel is any better than themselves. There is a healthy bit of sarcasm in a Lithuanian's speech; have I mentioned how much I like it here, lately?

I spend the afternoon going through old town and exploring churches. There are a lot of them. Most are Baroque in style and Roman Catholic in brand. The ones that are open are spectacular inside; unfortunately, a lot of them are closed. They don't have the funds to repair or renovate them. For anyone who is a church-junkie, this is a most see stop. During the day, I noticed there is a lot of graffiti all over town. It is not obscene and it is not discriminatory. Most of it is colorful pictures or names, but it is everywhere, except in the heart of old town. It would look so much better if it was cleaned up.

That night I went to a restaurant our guide had recommended. It was a bit touristy, but I would give it a try. One of the national dishes I had not tried was the Zeppelin: it is a roasted potato, stuffed with meat, and covered in a sour cream sauce. They served two. I had one and a half. It was good, but I was feeling very heavy heavy. That night they made the proverbial crash in my stomach. That and the beer made for a good nights sleep.

Eastern Europe: Day 1 - Riga, Vilnius

2010-09-26T14:07:00.007-05:00

Why are you going to Lithuania?

I have been asked this many times over the past few weeks when I have told folks my travel plans. After I explain I am voluntarily spending my vacation in the Baltics, the reaction has been split into two camps: those who think it would be a fun adventure to a place off the beaten path vs. those who look at me with a cocked eyebrow and a look of concern on their face. There really is no in between. It reminds me of (the one) joke in the movie "Rhinestone". After Dolly Parton's slime-ball manager keeps making unwanted advances to her, she replies, "There are two types of people in this world, and you ain't either one of them!" Okay - it is not the same, but it is still a funny joke.

My trip started in Amsterdam, flying AirBaltic to Vilnius, Lithuania, via Riga, Latvia. Earlier this year, I flew on an airline called China Eastern - neither word inspires confidence for me in air travel. You can add Baltic to that list, too.

It didn't start out well. I got there two hours before the flight departed, and it still took 45 minutes to get checked in. The gate got changed to B25; little fun fact about Amsterdam's airport - there is no gate B25 (trust me - I looked everywhere). It was here I realized that my faith in this airline was based entirely upon the reasoning that if the Dutch let them land here, they must be okay. When we got changed to a non-existent gate, my faith began to waver. Eventually, we got rescheduled to a real gate where there was nothing to do but sit and wait. And wait.

While waiting, I hear music to my ears; another voice speaking English. And not just English, but a Scotsman! In my travels, nothing can make a bad situation more fun then hanging out with a Scotsman or an Australian. To me, these two people can make any bad situation better. We get to hanging, helping make the wait much more enjoyable (and no we didn't hit the bar). I think the world would be a much better place if it was run by the Aussies and the Scots. Certainly, it would be a lot more fun.

Eventually we board the non-air-conditioned plane. It was surprisingly new and clean. Nothing too remarkable about it, until we took off. People applauded. I am not sure if this is cultural, or based on experience, but it was somewhat unnerving. The flight was uneventful; I almost though it was a normal airline, except the staff was far too nice. We landed in Riga, Latvia, to more applause, which I had to participate in, too.

The airport in Riga was surprisingly nice. This is the third airport I have been to in the former Soviet Bloc and all three have had kick @ss airports. I had time to kill so I found myself a bar and tried the local creations (Zelta = good. d@mn good beer), but no tables were open. Folks who had finished their beverages were not vacating their tables. I tried the standard techniques to get a table, but to no avail. After a few minutes, I realized I had no chance. These people suffered and fought under Soviet occupation for over 50 years; my polite throat clearing and impatient looks were not moving anybody.

I eventually get to Vilnius, and applauded the pilot, again. This airport, unlike the others, had some remnants of the Soviet empire. No duty free shopping or other charms were evident. I got to the hotel, after only slightly getting ripped off. It is late, but I am hungry and feel like exploring. There were no visibly charming parts of town that we road through on the way to the hotel, though I was told the old town is quite nice.

It was.

It was like Prague, on a smaller scale but without the tourists and stores of crap. I find a restaurant an a cobblestone street that has local, Lithuanian dishes. As I would learn, that means that it contains meat, potatoes and sour cream; the proportions vary depending on the dish. It was surprisingly good, though. Also, the beer was quite good. I am seriously thinking of acquiring the distribution rights for all Baltic Brews for the US. I get to talking with the server (everyone here speaks remarkably good English, except for me). She asks me the same question I had been asked for the past few weeks: why did you come to Lithuania? She was actually surprised that we (Americans) even knew where Lithuania was on the map.

Did I know where Lithuania was?! Little did she know she was dealing with a history and geography geek. I proceeded to share with her the history of Lithuania - the kingdom, the empire with the Poles, and the suffering under communism. She listened politely to my anti-commie rant, when I realized that she is probably 22 years old, 24 tops. She has no memory of Soviet occupation. As a child of the 80's, who grew up with movies like "Red Dawn" and "Rocky 4", I find this hard to believe.

The truth is, only half of what I said was true. Yes, I did know about the history of Lithuania, but only half from my study of history. The other reason has to do with Pro Wrestling.

Back in the 1980's, when pro wrestling hit a revival, there was an evil trio of Russian Wrestlers - Ivan Koloff, Krusher Khruschev and the Nikita "The Russian Nightmare" Koloff. They were easy to hate. Nikita had legendary battles with Dusty Rhodes and Magnum TA, good guys, through and through and arch-enemies of the Russian trio. However, in late 86', Magnum TA has a very serious car wreck; he is lucky to live and he never wrestles again. About this time, the Mikhail Gorbachev's popularity is on the rise. In the spirit of Glasnost, Nikita changes sides and becomes a good guy. In his own words, "my heart bleeds for Magnum", for which he was awarded the Sportsman of the Year Award by "The Charlotte Observer".

Where is all this going? A few years later, after the Soviet empire collapses, we find out that Nikita was not really Russian. He was Lithuanian. All this time, and we never knew - who would have guessed! So in all honesty, yes, I did study the history of Lithuania, but what prompted it was my enduring fondness for pro wrestling (WoooooOOOOOooooo!!!!!)

I stagger back to my hotel through the streets of Vilnius around midnight. After getting lost, I realize this is a very safe town. Single women walk the streets unharassed (and by walk, I mean go home. Not "walk", walk). Also, there are churches everywhere. I mean everywhere. Day 1 is in the books and it is off to a good start.

Sveikata!

Travel Fun

2010-08-06T14:07:00.002-05:00

I'm on the road this week; only a few day trip. It should have been an easy trip - three nights, four days - easy. It should not have been a big deal, but it is getting weird - and weirder by the minute.

I can't say this is a really bad experience - I know of folks who have had a lot worse travel problems, many of those folks are sitting right by me (about 20 folks are not going to Spain tonight...). My situation is just odd, and it highlights some of the oddness that has become of air travel. Let me give some examples:

1. Destination Unknown: I was flying out for a meeting in Newark, followed by some sales calls, either in Harrisburg, PA or Philly. At the time the trip was being booked, we weren't sure which city we would be making the calls. This was a last minute ticket, but because my destination was somewhat TBD, I had a lot of options on where to fly. I checked direct flights in and out of Newark, JFK, LaGuardia, Philly, BWI, and Delaware. Lowest price I could find was over $1000. I was able to find a connection on US Air to Newark, for a reasonable price (not good, but considering options, reasonable).

When I was selecting my seats, I noticed that both the outbound and return flights were through Philly. Strange - did I miss a deal? I figured that if a flight was going through Philly to and from other destinations, then shouldn't flying to Philly be cheaper? I mean, I only flying once, not twice? It made sense to me but not US Air. For some reason, the flight cost over $350 more if I just stopped in Philly. It was cheaper to continue to Newark.

I don't know if Newark is so bad that they have to subsidize flights going in and out of there, but for whatever bizarre reason, flying a longer distance with a connection is cheaper then the shorter flight. Strange. Really, really strange.

2. "It really, really has to be a round trip? No, not really": So I ended up in Harrisburg, PA for the sales call. Both the town and the sales call were fine. I was able to hitch a ride with our sales rep so I didn't have to rent a car. I could take the train back to Newark.

I was on the train when they made the announcement that the train to Newark, went via Philly. Humm - I'm flying through Philly on the way back. Couldn't I just jump the train here and get on the flight and get on the plane here? I figured I better call first - figured there might be a security reason or something that might prevent me from doing this. Turns out it is not a security reason, but in fact I can not start in Philly because my airline ticket does not start in Philly. It does not matter that I have a boarding pass from Philly, I can not start there. The US Air guy was very nice, at least, and he explained it would void my whole ticket if I didn't board in Newark.

Due to some bad timing on my part, I got to the airport late. I ran as fast as I can, but I missed my flight out of Philly by 5 minutes. The counter guy was trying to rebook me; none of the options look good. I ask him, if I could get to Philly on my own via the train, could I pick up the flight there? Yes, he says, but I won't make it. He shows me a train schedule, and I would not be able to make it to Philly in time for my flight back to Minneapolis. So, from a logistic standpoint, I can't make it, but from a US Air standpoint, now that I have missed my first flight, I can. Weird.

3. Paying for incompetence: Missing my flight was entirely my fault. I mistimed the train back from Harrisburg and I did not leave myself enough time to get to the airport. I blame no one but myself.

The fellow who rebooked me got me on the next flight to Philly, and then on the next flight to Minneapolis. He also bumped me to 1st class for both flights. He said that my missing the flight helped him with some other travelers and he owed me. I am not sure if that is true or not. I know it probably helped that I didn't get mad about missing the flight and I remained calm and polite. Perhaps this is karma for my good behavior; I think it is rewarding stupidity (mine).

4. It's deja vu all over again: So I am waiting for my flight to Philly, and it turns out the plane we were going to take has been delayed. For reasons we do not know, the flight that was supposed to come in has been canceled, but they have a replacement plane they will fly in for us. Origin of the replacement plane? Yep, Harrisburg, PA. Had I known, had I known.

This delay has pushed back our flight and will cut my time to get on my Minnie flight very close. Everyone with a connection before 6pm has to be rebooked. My flight is at 6:05pm. So long as there are no other delays, I think I am in good shape.

In the meantime, I went to town on my inbox. I went from 156 to 30 unread e-mails. Its Miller time.

Happy flying!

Spam, with a side of Spam

2010-07-18T18:05:00.002-05:00

So as I have bitched about before, it is tough for those of us with common names to find a good e-mail account. A few years ago, I fount one. It was through Rocketmail, Yahoo's new mail service. All was good, so I thought, before I found out you could not get this free email through Apple's mail program (not sure who is to blame - Yahoo or Apple), though you can get it through the iPhone. Anyway, I only emailed one person from this account and I have gotten only one reply. Yet, somehow this account was "outed" and it has become a spam magnet.

I am not sure how it ever got picked up, but the number of spam emails has grown, considerably. From just one every few days, it now gets 5-6 on an average day, sometimes more, and all this from an account which has never been used to sign up for anything with anybody. Some of these are downright bizarre, so strange in fact, I had to share them (with my commentary):

Asian Singles: Find a new fun loving friend - Asians for Asians (I guess I must pass)
Nursing Assistant Courses Online (yeah - they don't know me and my blood issues)
Walden University: Become a bigger inspiration (is bigger the correct word to use here? I would think a university could come up with a better adjective)
Adoption by Mediadax: (Strange, but even stranger was this was the same company that had the Asian Singles ad. Cute kid in the ad, though.)
Certified ELM (not sure what this is but it is pushing Nursing courses. Again the blood issue.)
Nursing Care Careers (all these nursing spams may have something to do with the nurses strike here in Minnesota. Maybe they were just spamming everyone in the state - good plan if that was the case, but still, no thanks).
Certified ELM (nope, again. very persistent folks).
Cowboy Boots (ha ha ha ha - yeah, no).
Sunrooms ELM (what ELM stands for is becoming a greater and greater mystery to me)
Cable by Mediadax (the Mediadax folks are becoming the bane of my existence).
Giant Eagle (this one seemed customized to me - I think someone put in my email address by mistake. This could be an unexpected downside of having a good email account)
Loan Manager: need a cash advance of up to 1500 USD? (has anyone every fallen prey to one of these spams?)
Consolidate: one payment will pay off debt faster (not surprising this one came right after the loan one)
North Hunting Club: Be a product tester (so many other people in Minnesota who would have benefited from this email besides me).
Bras: Sexy and supportive (50-50 chance they could have scored with this one).
Medical: Medical coders are as important as doctors (now that Obamacare passed, this may be true)
Happywife121: Nearly a billion Extenze have been sold. What are you waiting for? (I can't believe it took this long for one of these spams to hit my account)
Vimax Trial: Increase our sexual stamina with Vimax (and the floodgates are now open...)
Interior Designers make good money (okay - not a lie and it is refreshingly direct compared to the others)
DSL: Will give you the speed you need (DSL? Really? The only thing worse than spam is really old, outdated spam. Next up - spam from the Pager King!)
GED Information: (nothing really too funny about this one, except that the from address was "HIGH")
Baby Contest: Wanted - voters for baby photo contest (oh my. Really - you are going on the internet to select random people to judge photos of babies? One of the lower circles of hell must be reserved for people who send out spam like this.)
GED Information (again from HIGH. Insert your own Cheech and Chong joke here)
Nursing assistant (again - I think there was a one day walkout strike when this one came out)
X-ray technician (ditto)
Private Jets - take a seat and sneak a peek at Private Jets (this is like obnoxious spam - take a look at how cool the private jets are, but you are not welcome on them!)
New Walk-in Tubs (WTF? Walk in tub? How? The picture doesn't really show how someone walks into a full tub - it is almost worth clicking through to see how you can walk-in a full bathtub)
HIGH: Get your GED (dude!)
Religious: enroll in a spiritually-pleasing religious school. (I can't decided if I should go with a "I felt the calling from above when I looked in my spam folder" joke or be shocked at the word choice of "spiritually-pleasing" for a religious school. Haven't there been enough Catholic Priest jokes to last us a lifetime?)
Giant Eagle: (actually, some good deals I missed)
A Stimulus Package to get out of Debt! (I never noticed how much the ads for getting out of debt and the ones to improve your libido look the same. They use the same words, fonts and American Images. 'It is your patriotic duty to eliminate debt AND satisfy your woman!')
Publish your book (funny - they send an e-mail to tell you how to publish your book).
Asian Dating (again. This one is prefaced with the statement "this is an advertisement". no shit).
Bryant Online: How much financial aid do you qualify for (more than someone who doesn't know how to end a sentence is my guess).
Effective Solutions for sleep apnea (reading this ad?)
Nifty Nanny cams (talk about a very specific niche - "nope, sorry, these spy cams are only for Nannies. Babysitter cameras? You have to go somewhere else")
Daily Horoscope and Zodiac (I think the daily horoscope is fairly available freely. As for the Zodiac, I don't think mine has changed since I was born)
You may qualify for bankruptcy (doesn't sound too hard to do)
Become a doctor of anything - want to put "Dr." in front of your name? (oh, how the mind races with this one! Yes, I would like to get my doctorate in Simpsonology.)

The Good Old Days!

2010-06-06T17:30:00.002-05:00

I can not take credit for this one; this was sent to me but I had to share. The commentary is not mine, either (I wish it was).

Enjoy and reminisce about the good old days!

-------------------------------------------------------

Brace yourself -- the copy reads: Though she was a tiger lady, our hero didn't have to fire a shot to floor her. After one look at his Mr. Leggs slacks, she was ready to have him walk all over her. That noble styling sure soothes the savage heart! If you'd like your own doll-to-doll carpeting, hunt up a pair of these he-man Mr. Leggs slacks. Such as our new automatic wash wear blend of 65% "Dacron" and 35% rayon-incomparably wrinkle-resistant.

About $12.95 at plush-carpeted stores. ...are you kidding me?!!....

This is just wrong on every level.

More doctors did smoke Camels, because doctors were mailed all the free Camel cigarettes they wanted. Doctors who were smokers, given free Camels, would of course smoke them, over brands they would have to pay for. This allowed the tobacco company R. J. Reynolds to correctly state in their ads that more doctors smoked their brand. At this time in history, there was much doubt about the health safety of smoking cigarettes, so showing doctors "choosing" Camels to smoke, implied no health risk when smoking this brand. After all, these were medical doctors smoking all these Camels, not construction workers.

Some excerpts from the ad above: It says- "this young man is 11 months old- and he isn't our youngest customer by any means.

For 7-Up is so pure, so wholesome, you can even give it to babies and feel good about it. -By the way, Mom, when it comes to toddlers- if they like to be coaxed to drink their milk, try this: Add 7-Up to the milk in equal parts, pouring the 7-Up gently into the milk. It's a wholesome combination- and it works! Now we know the origins of ADHD......

Are you kidding me?!

yeah...do just that....and see what happens next.

these are just too outrageous!

Signs of Mystery, part 2

2010-05-24T14:25:00.002-05:00

So I am riding on the light rail (the one line in the Twin Cities), when I notice this sign.

It's goal is seemingly very obvious - promote tourism at Historic Fort Snelling - by promoting the ease of arriving at said destination. Yet, as straight forward as the message is, it misses the mark. Badly.

Why on earth would anyone describe the time it would take to "drive" to a destination to a bunch of people riding on a light rail system? A portion of people who take public transportation, like light rail, do not have cars, so they can not drive. The others, who do have cars, are unlikely to drive to the Fort Snelling Station to get to the actual Fort Snelling. Wouldn't it have been much easier and clearer to say "Just a short distance from Fort Snelling Station"?

Why anyone would think that using an imprecise measurement, much less one which is completely inapplicable to your audience at the time they are reading it, is a complete, total, and utter mystery.

Top 10 reasons to hate the new Twins stadium

2010-05-15T11:32:00.006-05:00

MLB's Minnesota Twins opened their new stadium, Target Field this "Spring". The press has generally been favorable. Much too favorable. I feel there has been far too much undue praise on the new stadium. After my first game, I can only point out three good things about the new stadium:

1. It is outdoors

2. The retro Twins signage in Centerfield

3. It is not the Metrodome

Also a fourth reason - for me personally - I live close enough to Target field to walk there from home. For most fans, though, I think the reason everyone is so in love with the stadium comes down to #3: it is not the Metrodome, the stadium universally hated and despised by fans and players since its opening. (As a side note, I shudder to think what is going on with the rat population at the old dump. Without Dome Dog remnants to eat, they might turn vicious and aggressive on any human visitors - or - they will start feasting on each other, creating a race of mutant, super rats. Either way, I am avoiding the first few Vikings games there this fall just to be safe).

Once you get past this short list, I found there are in fact many reasons to hate Target Field. For your reading pleasure, I present the Top 10 Reasons to hate Target Field:

10. No retractable dome: The combination of a cold, Northern city, plus a sport with a season that goes into November, minus a roof equals a recipe for disaster. There is no way to avoid it; this was an idiotic move.

This year, the contract for Twins star catcher and local boy from St. Paul, Joe Mauer, was due to expire. If the Twins had not resigned Mauer, it would be an admission that they screwed up, and they don't want to put out a contender, to avoid the humiliation of a snow-out in the post-season. But they did resign Mauer, and they sent a signal they do want to be a winner. In doing so, they proved they are more ambitious than the Timberwolves, but somehow, they are still just as stupid.

9. Narrow concourse: Knowing MLB, you figure there would be regulations on how narrow a passageway you can have in a stadium. I am fairly certain the Twins have violated this along with any applicable fire codes. It is a cramped, narrow space that is tough to get around, especially since everyone seems to funnel in from one gate. Normally this would not be too big a deal, but they neglected a behavioral characteristic of Minnesotans: They wander aimlessness when they walk.

Forgive me for disparaging an entire state, but nobody from Minnesota walks with any purpose. They amble along aimlessly, with no regards to anyone around them. Minnesotans walking are the equivalent of sign readers in cars. This works fine in the small towns but in a confined space it causes endless traffic jams at best; at worst, it causes dropped beers and brats.

8. Beer selection: Speaking of beer, the selection at Target field, in a word, blows. Target sold their soul to Anheuser-Busch. Local options are few and far between. They have been segregated to narrow back alley locations, or carts staffed with the slowest pourers known to man (at least on the night I went). Imports are non-existent.

7. Entering the park: For all the faults of the Metrodome, you could at least get inside the park relatively easy. Leaving was always an adventure, but the added wind gust helped hurry along the random amblers (see no. 9)

6. The gigantic lighted sign on the Center Field wall: Perhaps the most pervasive offense of the entire stadium is the gigantic, illuminated, distraction in Center Field, also known as the scoreboard for other games. Other parks have scoreboards to keep you up to date with the other scores around the league, but I can not think of one which is both illuminated and so centrally placed. It is almost an admission that "yes, we know the Twins will suck, so you might as well be entertained by someone else."

5. Delta club: Delta has sponsored a private club area on the first base side. From the outside, this club looks exactly like the Delta/Northwest Sky Club in the Detroit airport. I am not sure what it is like on the inside, but I have my suspicions. Asked if I think you would get free food if you sat there, all I could think was "not if it is sponsored by Delta."

4. Funky seat design: On both the 1st and 3rd base lines, the seats do a funky U-turn in towards the field. Many ballparks do this, but they adjust the angle of the seats to provide better sight lines. At Target field, they do not. Effectively, they have added more seats with a worse view. There is only one other ballpark I know of that has made such a mistake - the Metrodome.

3. Looks like Xcel: Is it just me, or does the stone used look exactly like the insides of the Xcel center? The Xcel is vastly superior in acoustics and beer selection to all other stadiums in the state. I don't know if the designers were trying to tap into that "Xcel" magic, but it takes more than using the same stone to pull it off.

2. "Target Field": Something about the name bothers me - Target Field. First off, it's inaccurate - it is not a Target; we can not shop here. Second, Target didn't really pay for this stadium. I did, and so did all of you. It was our patronage that paid for this stadium, and not just at Target. Those of us who live in downtown have to pay the 10%+ sales tax to help fund this stadium. If anything it should be named for us. How about "Target Guest Field"? Seems a tad bit more appropriate.

1. The Milwaukee Effect: Milwaukee completed a new stadium for the Brewers nine years ago. It cost $400 million. Adjusted for inflation, that would cost $496 million in 2010. The Twins new stadium was projected to cost $522 million - slightly more than Milwaukee but basically similar cots. So for the same amount of money, Milwaukee got a stadium but with these added benefits:

More seats
Better sight lines
Wider concourses
Sausage races
Better beer selection: Imports and Local
Cheaper average seat prices ($22.10 vs $31.47)

And, lets not forget:

Retractable Dome

We are all taught to study the past; learn from the mistakes of future generations so they will not be repeated. To me, Target Field will serve as a testament of our inability or unwillingness to study the present, and a monument to our stupidity compared to our neighbors in Wisconsin.

Play ball!

China: Getting Local

2010-03-24T07:06:00.003-05:00

The international group in China did some shopping and dining tonight. A group of 10 of us made the trip down Nanjing Road. Nationalities represented included: China, Taiwan, Hong Kong, Korea, Japan, Singapore, Indonesia, India, Germany and the US.

All week I've been feeling like ugly American, as all I speak (reasonably) fluently is English. Granted, I could survive with my knowledge of Spanish, but that is about it. Elsewhere, I depend in the education of others.

What I didn't realize until tonight was how several if my pan-Asian counterparts were in as bad a shape as me. Granted, they spoke a second language, namely English, but faced with some if the locals, they were as depended on the help of our Chinese speaking friends as much as I. For some reason, I think the perception is if you take an American plus someone from another country, and put them both in a third country foreign to them both, the American will have more trouble adapting. That was not the case. For our dinner, all the Asians wanted to go to a noodle place because they were "sick of eating rice". Both the German and I found this odd, we went with the flow.

The shopping went well. I had to get a new bag, to carry everything back that I had accumulated. As was mentioned to me, my face is not good for bargains, so the local from China, Tina, and the woman from Singapore who was also looking for a bag accompanied me. Bargaining got easier when you are not committed to a particular item. Plus, the same bags were in several of the same shops.

I started getting a feel for the prices and I figured out my max price, 150 Chinese (about $20 US). I was about to tell this to Tina, who was negotiating on my behalf, when she tells the shopkeeper "150!". Yep, I was feeling good about hitting the right price.

Three other things made me me feel more at home here tonight

1. After the negotiation, Tina started asking me questions in Chinese. When I reminded her I only speak English, she smiled, laughed and said "oh yeah right, I forgot!"

2. Tina decides to buy the same bag at the same price.

3. There is a Krispy Kreme in Shanghai.

Yep, I'm liking this place more and more.

China: feeling like an idiot

2010-03-23T06:00:00.002-05:00

Like many other hotels with Western tourists, this hotel has a card to help us communicate with the cabbies so we can get home. I didn't really pay attention to the card, until tonight. It has the English translation which reads:

"Hi! My address in Shanghai is Renaissance Yangtze Shanghai Hotel 2099 Yan An Xi Road Shanghai. Please take me there immediately"

I feel like I should have my mittens pinned to my sweater when I read this.

China Last Day

2010-03-23T05:59:00.002-05:00

I'm leaving Shanghai today for Taipei, Taiwan. I'm flying China Eastern airlines. Call me a snob, but having either the name "China"or "Eastern" in the name of your airline does not inspire me with confidence. Even stranger, China Easter is part of the SkyTeam alliance with Delta.

Reestablishing this air link between the mainland and Taiwan was a very momentous occasion for the People's Republic, which was celebrated by flowery speeches of harmony and understanding. That's all very good. On the ground level here, though, it meant crazy shopping junkets and copious amounts of duty free goods being shoved into the overhead compartments.

My experience with passport control was not as much fun this time. The guy checking my passport was giving me the evil eye. I tried to smile and look pleasant, but this guy was suspicious. I tried to make nice at the end and push the "very satisfied/happy face" button rating, but the machine was mysteriously deactivated. Humm ... worked for the person before me ...

Why does it seem so strange that a communist, state run airline would have a First Class and Business Class section. I thought classes and business people were the those the sort of things commies don't like? Weird.

In my attempts to minimize the overage charges for all the stuff I am transporting, I bought a second bag, which I had to "sneak" on the plane. I was in the bulkhead seat 7A, so I asked to be reseated to something where I could legitimately try to use the space under the seat in front of me. "Reseating" is not the most commonly used English word, so I tried to explain what I wanted to do by pointing at the seat line on my boarding pass and saying "back". The ticket guy caught on, and moved me back -to the very last seat, in the very last row of the plane. Either they were having a joke with the foreigner or it was just another example of Chinese efficiency. I hope it was the later.

Bye-bye China. It was fun.

China Diary: Communication

2010-03-22T18:58:00.002-05:00

When traveling overseas, especially to a place with a very different culture, it is important to remember patience, especially when it comes to language. No matter how difficult it may be for me to understand their English, I must remember it is far better than my Chinese. It can sometimes cause amusing problems. One of our local guides had a bag by Coach which she pronounced "Coochie". She enthusiastically invited us all to "look at my coochie!". Yeah, I felt it was my duty to correct that one.

Most everyone I am working with speaks English well, but most of them have a refreshing subtlety in the way they speak. As an American, I tend to be too direct. We talk too much when we should listen more. We assume silence as either a lack of understanding, or passive agreement, instead of polite reflection on what was said.

For the project I am working on, there is a delicate situation in China between our team and a local distributor. Problems could occur down the road, and we want to avoid it. There had been discussions through intermediaries, but it was not until the last say did the local team bring it up to me. From the way the sales manager spoke, it was obvious they wanted to, but politeness forbade him from doing so previously.

An answer at this time does not exist, but we understood the concerns. I let him speak and then then repeated his concerns in my own words. I explained to him and the group we were aware of the situation, and that the highest senior management was aware and acting on our behalf to insure there would be no problems. No resolution had been reached, nor could it at this time.

Afterwards, I spoke with the sales manager and I thanked him for raising this issue. He thanked me for my understanding. It was a good day.

China Diary: Day 2 - Honesty

2010-03-22T08:22:00.003-05:00

Day two in China and all is going well. We got through the first day of formal meetings, and the mood is getting more fun. The formality is moving to familiarity, and with it, frank honesty.

Earlier we had gone on a city tour, which included a stop in the tea district. A few in our group were shopping; I was not. I was along for the ride. We traveled at as a group to some of the stores. Or more like a mob. I hung back, usually outside the store. One of our local Chinese sales reps, Louis, said to me "hummm, many faces bad for prices". And he was right. Too many people crowding the store would make the shop owner not as eager to bargain. Otherwise, everyone else might want the same deal, too. Lewis is an interesting guy. He doesn't speak much English, but you can tell he is a good sales rep. Our crowd thinned out and one of the shoppers was able to get the deal he wanted. As we went back to the bus, I tried to start up a conversation with Lewis. I mentioned he was right about the number of faces hurting the bargaining process."Yeah, yeah - many faces bad for bargain", he said, and then looking at me (the only American in the group), "especially yours." Honesty at it's finest.

We went to dinner last night with the China team at a very nice restaurant. It was in a building which appeared to be quite old, which is in stark contrast to the rest of Shanghai. I found out from our hosts that this used to be the home of a general. "That is, he was a general up until 1949 (when the commies took over driving the nationalist out)" he explained "now this place is a beautiful restaurant". It was interesting honesty: It wasn't a bad thing, or a good thing. It was just a thing. No more needed to be said.

China Diary: Day 1

2010-03-21T05:39:00.002-05:00

I tried to post this last week. Didn't work. The Chinese were far to clever for me, and my attempts to post in a timely manner did not work. Instead, I'll be posting my daily notes from China, delayed one week. Enjoy.

_______________

I'm in China now for the next week. With no direct access to facebook, I'm hoping my roundabout way of posting on blogger will work. (note: it did not)

So far it has been a good trip. I was here only once before, over 20 years ago, and to state the obvious, it's changed. The people are still very nice and the bikers are still in danger.

Biggest surprise I've seen so far: Chinese customs have set up a way for visitors to rate their satisfaction with the transactions. No foolin. There are buttons on your side of the glass pass through where you can rate the immigration process and the official processing the papers. She was nice and didn't laugh at my passport picture. I said I was "very satisfied."

People

2010-03-10T11:54:00.005-06:00

I don't understand people.

I never have, and I probably never will.

People do things and act in ways which make absolutely no sense to me. I struggle understanding why they do what they do, what their motivations are, or what need is being met by acting the way they do.

I would like people to make sense. I would find studding and and observing human behavior highly entertaining, if it was not so real. Airports, shopping malls and restaurants for me are some of the great places to see human behavior in its most raw and uncensored form. If it was socially acceptable for me to sit alone at one of these locations and just observe, record and analyse interactions and report my findings, I would. Unfortunately, unless you are funded by a university or some private enterprise, I think that type of behavior classifies you as a "creepy guy".

Lately I have been observing a lot of behavior I would call intentional rudeness. I have no other way to describe it other than seeing behavior that would be considered rude, but for no apparent gain or benefit. Yet, it continues to go on.

I have been spending a lot of time lately in some of my favorite people watching locations - airports and shopping malls. I would think that in these environments there would be a desire for greater efficiency; you have a place to go, so people should be motivated to get to the gate, or the next store, quickly and move on. I would think this would cause people to be more observant of their environment, so they can move and adjust quickly to crowds to cause the least possible disruption or delays to themselves. This is not, however, the case.

Next time you are out in a crowded location like this, watch and you will see people intentionally getting in the way of others. It is the strangest thing. This is not a case of people who are unwilling to move or give way; this is people deliberately getting in the way of others just to slow them down. The faster or more purposefully one person seems to go, the more the crowd wants to slow them down, and for the life of me, I don't know why. Why would anyone intentionally inconvenience others, without any apparent personal gain? It takes time and energy on the part of the interrupter, so why this is happening makes no sense to me whatsoever.

The only reason I can come up with is there must be some latent sense of satisfaction it comes from inflicting unhappiness on another person. Again - I don't know why. I guess that some people feel so beat up and worn down in their day, the only way they have to restore their ego to equilibrium would be to try to exert some superiority over some other person, even a stranger. But does that work? I don't see how. If person A is victimized by person B, how does A feel better by causing an inconvenience to person C? I don't get it. How does inflicting a temporary inconvenience on a stranger make you feel better about getting beat up by someone else? And if person C follows the same pattern, then wouldn't that mean they would take it out on another unknown person, D, and so on, and so forth. Would it not be better to address the situation with person B, and stop the cycle before it begins? Certainly it would be more efficient, and I imagine more satisfying to get to the source.

For those of you who have studied human behavior and know more than me, I'm curious to know why this goes on. Until it is stopped, I am going to do my best to pay it forward.

Have a good day.

They never fail to disappoint

2010-03-07T09:13:00.003-06:00

So it is time again for my annual rant about the Academy Awards, and yet again, they screwed it up, again. This should surprise no one.

In past years, I have sounded off on the need for additional awards. More awards = more nominations = more chance to share the love supporting second rate movies that did badly in the box-office but that producers feel can recoup money in the rental market with those magic words "Oscar Nominated".

More pictures will be nominated this year, but for the same awards. Instead of expanding the number of awards, they just increased the number of movies nominated for best picture, from five to 10. I suppose I should not be surprised. This is an institution that does not venture out into new territory; they stick to proven formulas. Just look at the movies they are cranking out for 2010: "Karate Kid" and "Clash of the Titans" are being remade and neither movie is 30 years old. The Hollywood formula of today seems to be remakes of proven winners come on in, original thoughts need not apply.

To top it off, this year was really weak with Best Pictures. "The Blind Side", "Avatar", "Up"... really? Nice pictures that proved entertaining to certain fan bases, but Best Picture Worthy? Compare this years list to the Best Picture Winners of the 1970s, which could be considered a Second-Golden Age for Hollywood:

1970: Patton

1971: The French Connection

1972: The Godfather

1973: The Sting

1974: The Godfather, Part II

1975: One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

1976: Rocky

1977: Annie Hall

1978: The Deer Hunter

1979: Kramer vs. Kramer

Of the 10 movies nominated this year, could any one of them be considered better than this list of 10 winners from the 1970s? I don't think so. Also, not making the winners list for the 1970s included the following films: "All the Presidents Men", "Cabaret", "Chinatown", "MASH", "Network", "Taxi Driver" and "Star Wars".

Yes, "Star Wars". To me, "Star Wars" is the champion of Science Fiction movies. There has not been a picture to surpass it in this genre. If "Star Wars" could not win Best Picture, I don't think any other Sci-Fi film should either, no matter how weak the competition. So it is with amusement and fear that I read about "Avatar" being considered the greatest picture of all time. Not Sci-Fi movie, but best picture of all time. Three hour CGI-fest movies, with no plot, no point, bad acting, and one that relies on profanity for cheap laughs, should not qualify for Best Picture no matter how much money it makes.

I only hope the Academy gets it right with the wins, even if they can't get the nominations right.

Happy Watching

PS: This year's George Clooney Academy Award goes to George Clooney for, oh, "Up in the Air"

Most Favorite Nation - Olympic Edition

2010-02-17T11:32:00.005-06:00

For the first few days of the Olympics, I was watching the coverage from overseas. Unlike here in the US, where they change over to the action there are American athletes, I noticed they followed the event - not the country. So, to get my Olympic fix, I had to watch a lot of events with athletes that were not from the USA.

It was a bit different not having all that constant switching of venues - kinda like A.D.D. detox - but once I got used to it, I noticed something about the competition. I found myself inherently pulling for some countries over others. I think there is an favorability for each country that determines how much we like (or dislike) anyone who wears their uniform. It is based on past athletics, the attitude of the people and history. After studying and taking notes, my unofficial favorability rankings for the Winter Olympics:

10 - Most favorable: Canada

I think this is the only country in the world which is genuinely liked and respected by the fans and athletes of all other nations. They play hard and they are very competitive in most sports. When they win, they show class in victory. When the lose, they are complementary in defeat but they still have that pluckish, "we'll get em next time attitude" which makes them endearing. So to paraphrase Homer J. Simpson, when I can't pull for America, I pull for America Jr.

9 - Highly Favorable: Norway, Sweden, Denmark

Like Canada, they are always competitive in most every sport, and gracious in victory. When they have to be subjected to banal interviews from US reporters, they are polite, thoughtful and honest in their answers. Plus they speak better English then the reporter who asked the question. (Just imagine a Swede trying to politely understand questions from ESPNs Stewart Scott - pure comedy!). The only think keeping these two from being on Canada's level is they don't have to share a 3000 mile border with the USA.

8 - Favorable opinion: Spain and Australia

Typically, neither has a lot of Winter Game athletes, but when they do win, you can guarantee there will be a good party afterwards

7.5 - Denmark and Netherlands

Would be on equal par with Spain and Australia, but just don't think it would be as much fun after a win.

7 - Slightly Favorable: Japan and any long-shot country (e.g. Jamaican Bobsledders, Indian Lugers, etc).

I like the countries that overcome natural hindrances due to terrain to complete. As for the Japanese athletes, I feel like they have dedicated so much of their life into their training, that I just don't want to see them fail.

6 - UK

I think this where the ranking system needs a second dimension. I feel sorry for them, so I like them, but that is not the same as actively supporting them. The UK is almost never in danger of winning anything, so I kinda pull for them in a pathetic way. I just don't want to see them get embarrassed anymore.

5.5 - Middle of the Road: Germany and Czech Republic

I don't like em, I don't hate them. I have nothing more to say about either.

5 - Slightly Unfavorable: Austria, Korea and Switzerland

They win their medals in their one event every Olympics, and then they scurry back home. The won their toys and but they won't share.

4 - Slightly more Unfavorable: China

No specific gripe about Chinese athletes; this is more of a preemptive hatred based on when they will eventually start to dominate the winter games, too.

3 - Unfavorable: Bulgaria and Russia

I feel like both of these countries yearn for the good old days of the Empire where they had a sports machine that would crank out the worlds best athletes. I think if both had the resources, they would revert to that system. Instead, they have to make due with what vestiges of the factory they have remaining.

(2.5 - I imagine this is where the rest of the world would put the USA)

2 - Very Unfavorable: France

Slimy, arrogant athletes who look like the only reason they want to win is so they can use it to score with your wife or girlfriend.

1 - Most hated: Italy

Despised for the same reason we hate the French, but with an added bonus: they would cheat and get away with it. They are the like the bad boys of the pro-wrestling world; the team you love to hate. I was watching the cross country ski finals and the Italian Pietro Piller Cottrer was stuck behind a slower competitor, I half way expected his coach to distract the ref, while he struck the competitor with a wrench. I could almost hear the announcer say "Oh my goodness! How could they let this happen!!!"

All of this will is now moot of course. I'm back home and the USA is playing Canada in hockey today. Go USA!

My Six Sigma project for 2010

2010-01-07T12:55:00.002-06:00

"When I was trained as a line cook at McDonald's, they explained why the mustard goes on the bottom bun first" said my good friend and movie buff, Seabass. "It's because the mustard has the most overpowering flavor. By putting it on the bun first, the bread absorbs some of the flavor, taking the edge off and allowing the ketchup and other flavors to be tasted in the right proportion."

At this point, I should not be surprised with anything Seabass says, thought I have to admit, the thought of a marketer/ex-accountant starting his career wearing a Mickey-D's cap caught me off-guard. I was not surprised to find out there was a reason behind why the mustard is put on the bottom of the sandwich, nor that the good folks at McDonald's had spent the time to analyze the flavors and understand their interplay. After all, they have sold quite a few burgers in their time and they probably know one or two things about them.

No, what was most amazing this day is the folks at the cafeteria here at work put the mustard on top of the sandwich, specifically, on top with the veggies. I can not think of one person in this world who I thinks the combination of spicy mustard and lettuce tastes good together. Yet, that is the way they will make your sandwich if you don't stop them. Today I didn't, and I am paying the price. Clearly improvements need to be made.

Part of the problem stems from the general unpleasantness of the staff here. There are a few exceptions of nice people - Mandy over in my old building, and the nice woman from Brazil who remembers me from six years ago - but that is about it. The rest look like they would rub you out for a nickel. There was a rumor that the women who worked here were on work release from the minimum security prison down the road. Not sure if it is true - but it was plausible. Beyond the unpleasantness, there is a general lack of structure and procedure. I'll give you an example:

The other week, I ordered a hot sandwich. There is a place to order and a place to pickup, though you would never know by looking at it. While waiting in the incorrect area, I saw some grilled vegetables, that looked good (certainly healthier than the other sides). So when I got my sandwich, I asked for a side of the grilled veggies. I get a big sigh from the young woman behind the counter - parents, think sassy 12 year old girl, but with jailhouse tattoos. Obviously, I should have ordered these at the time I place my sandwich order (plus stand on the correct side). Later that week, I decide to get another hot sandwich, only this time, I order the veggies at the same time (and I stand in the proper receiving area). The sandwich was delivered by the same sassy-tattoo sporting woman, but with no veggies. Before I can get the words out of my mouth, she goes, "oh, you wanted veggies" and sighs off to get them. Either way, I can't seem to win. The lesson here is, don't order the veggies.

Similar problems exist with the sandwich ordering line, too. There is a five step process posted for ordering your sandwich - bread, meat, cheese, vegetables, condiments (I refuse to use the Minnesota description of "dressings" for things like ketchup and mayo). However, that process is bogus. Following the five step procedure will get you nothing but exasperated looks, dramatic sighs, and mustard on your veggies. Improvements need to be made - enter Six Sigma.

Six Sigma is still alive and well at my employer, at least in pockets, including my new division. I have already been contacted this year about starting up a new project - I think optimizing the sandwich ordering process in the cafeteria would be a great opportunity. I see is a growth project for the company; by improving the ordering process, we can drive more business to the sandwich line, increasing the number of visitors who would have otherwise stayed away, increasing our revenue. Plus, we could put in control plans to make sure that sandwiches are ordered properly, in the correct steps, increasing the flow through and yield.

Plus, I can finally get them from putting mustard on the lettuce.

Happy dining!

Photo of the Year

2009-12-31T12:02:00.004-06:00

I took this photo sometime early in 2009. The location was a parking lot outside Sgt. Peppers restaurant in Woodbury, MN. I have no idea who left these diapers, or why they were left here, nor why there are two. All I know is this scene spoke to me.

I have tried all year to come up with a creative backstory to explain how these diapers ended up here, but I have been completely unsuccessful. I have tried to imagine every conceivable situation where two soiled diapers would be left on the base of a lightpost in a parking lot outside of a restaurant in suburban Minnesota, but I can't.

If the parents needed to change the diapers, wouldn't they have gone inside the restaurant? This is Minnesota - we are very kid accommodating, so even if you weren't eating here, they would let you use the restrooms to change the kids. Plus, it is really, really cold here. Wouldn't you want to change your kids inside instead of out in the parking lot? It doesn't make any sense - these were left not 30 feet from the entrance. All of this leads me to the conclusion that the kids were changed inside of the vehicle.

Call me crazy, but that sounds like a really, really tough thing to do. Even if it wasn't a poopy diaper, changing a kid in a vehicle seems tough. Plus - if they did change the kid in the car, did they stop somewhere to do this, or was the car in motion? If the car was stopped, why didn't they go inside? If they have to stop somewhere, why not at a gas station, or restaurant. If they didn't stop and the vehicle was in motion - that not only sounds tougher, but isn't it illegal and dangerous to take a kid out of a car seat to change them?

But perhaps the most perplexing part of this photo is why are there two diapers. Did the kid need to be changed twice? Or, were there two kids? From what I know about kids (limited), they don't typically behave so well when it comes to needing to be changed. Even if they were twins, it doesn't seem likely they would be on the same schedule - it seems too convenient. From the limited bit I know, if kids are one thing, it is unpredictable. The only explanation I can come up with is (a) it was one kid on a long trip and they had to be changed twice, without stopping the car or (b) they were siamese twins who share a significant portion of their digestive system and/or lower intestine, which forced them to have to go at the same time. If it was (b), though, it seems like the difficulties of changing kids while in a car would multiply.

I am looking for help from parents to explain this one to me. I am at a complete loss to come up with any sort of coherent answer for this image, or a reasonable explanation why two soiled diapers would be left side by side in a parking lot outside a restaurant in suburban Minnesota.

That is why it is my choice for Photo of the Year.

Happy 2010

Coming this Fall: Namaste, the TV Series

2009-12-12T17:16:00.009-06:00

Last weekend, I went to the yoga studio in downtown Minneapolis. I like to yogasize occasionally in winter. I like the workout, but I also like all the drama. I am always amazed that for all the talk of inner peace, there is a lot of competition going on in the studio. Judgements abound: what type of matt do you use, where does your clothing come from, what brand of water bottle do you have, etc.

The class was predominantly female - probably 50 women in total - who could be divided into a few stereotypes, the most notorious being the Amazonian women. The Amazonians exhibit three traits: they are all very tall, very thin, and very competitive. They wear clothing to show off their ripped midsection and tramp stamps. Those without stamps typically haven't shaved their underarms lately; usually, but not always. They parade their toned physique and demand maximum space for their mats in their ritual of more-flexible-and-holier-than-thou in their fight to the top of the social pecking order. They try to intimidate what I call the normal woman, who are very nice and pleasant, and who are trying not to feel self-consciousness about wearing spandex. The there were the men. There were 13 were guys in the class, eight of which were definitely homosexual and three of whom were possibly. Nine of the guys were not wearing shirts; four of them should have been. Typically, they were much friendlier, though most of that was because they were looking for dates.

It was in the midst of all this drama, it hit me: This would be a great TV show.

Imagine a comedy set at a Yoga studio. I see it being a half-hour situation comedy. Think "Will and Grace" in a yoga studio. The drama and cattiness that have made reality shows like Project Runway and the Real Housewives such hits is all here, and it is ripe for the mocking. I just can't believe this has been picked on yet. It is somewhat formulaic, but it is one that works. It reunites that great comic pair - gossipy women and gay men.

I see the main characters would be:

Amy: Owner of the studio. Always trying to help her friends but her good intentions always fall short in execution, with hilarious results. Hopeless in love with Todd and devoutly loyal and supportive of her friends.

Todd: Amy's boyfriend and part time manager of the studio. He is putting him self through Medical School, and is somewhat skeptical of the some of the claims made by yoga practitioners, but he is deeply in love with Amy.

Electra: Alpha-female instructor. Obsessive in her quest to be the best and will do anything to stop those who challenge her. Sexually ambiguous - attracted to anyone who is hot and that she can dominate.

Blake: Flamboyantly gay, superficial, Man-ho of the yoga studio. Not particularly fit, but his humor and search for men keeps people coming back to his classes. He likes teaching beginner lady classes, so he can feel better about his chances with men.

Efren: The shy, gay, male instructor, who is approaches his yoga practice with respect and reverence. Very dedicated to his craft and wants to help others reach yoga enlightenment. The straight man to Blake's comic foil. Desperately looking for his true love.

Gary: Accountant who works next door; Does not believe in yoga nor particularly like the studio, but too timid to do anything about it. Think Lundergard from "Fargo"

The show will is set in Minneapolis. Why? Only three shows have taken place here: Mary Tyler Moore, Little House on the Prairie, and Coach, being the last one. We could make up a lot of jokes about the competition between Minneapolis and St. Paul. Since most people have never lived in either one, we could make up a lot of stuff. Plus, the idea of having a hot yoga class in a climate that is really cold makes me laugh.

Action takes place primarily in the Yoga studio. The series premier would focus on introducing the characters and the drama between Amy and Todd and their feelings about Yoga. Amy wants to open up the benefits of yoga to others, while Todd just considers it a cult. Other episode ideas include:

Ladies Only Classes: Amy gets the idea that they need to offer women only classes, to attract more women and make they feel more comfortable. Only problem is Electra is teaching them, and her alpha-instincts and belittling behavior make the women feel only worse. Blake doesn't like the idea and starts offering men-only classes to bring in more date prospects for himself.

Hot Yoga Intro: Efren gets the idea that they need to have a week of free hot yoga classes to get more people to try it out. It helps bring in business, but the only problem is most of the folks who show up are homeless people, who are looking to get out from the cold.

I think it will be a hit. Anyone who who has contacts in the business and is interested in representing me, drop me a line.

Namaste

Things I hate about winter

2009-12-09T19:57:00.007-06:00

Tuesday night, we had the beginning of our first big snowstorm of the winter. We knew it was coming. We knew it could not be avoided. Still, the reality of seeing my car turned into a snowdrift made me sad.

I opened the trunk of my car and woke my trusty, giant sized, ice-scraper/snow-brush combo. I hated waking him up from his blissful six month hiatus, but like a true friend, he was ready to help me out when I needed him. After de-icing my car for the first of what will be many times this winter, and putting my ice-scraper to its designated spot inside the car, I realized, there are some things I really, REALLY, hate about winter.

Driving:

Top of the list has to be driving and all things road related. I hate having to be cautious, and I hate all the over-cautious drivers. As a Southerner, I really have no right to bitch about other drivers being safe; I was one of the slowest on the road when I saw those first flakes fall many years ago. But after a winter or two of practice, you learn how to drive in this stuff. Yes, you need to be cautious, watch your stopping distances, but some folks take it to the extreme. There is a big difference between being safe and being an complete wussy. I know, I know, all the locals say the same thing, "better late then dead" with an air of Scandinavian self-righteousness. Stuff like that makes me think "better punch them in the face then having to watch them prove themselves right."

The worst is the new snow. The roads get covered over and nobody knows where the lanes are really located. Amazingly, most people seem to deal: eventually visible tire-tracks form which are agreed upon by most drivers. I say most drivers. SUV a$$holes need not apply. Every new snow, they decide to act like Lewis and effing Clark and form their own trail across the road, spraying everyone with snow and jamming the makeshift lanes. Yes, you may technically be right and your car may be in the official lane, but when the snow comes down, it is "Lord of the Flies" time on the roads: you can only push it so far - the law won't help you here.

The "magic" of snow:

And speaking of new snow, every year I hear this crap about the "magic" of new snow. New snow is very pretty, but the "magic" is only a temporary state. It is only magical up till a week past Christmas. Once the holiday season passes, snow becomes one big pain in the ass you have to walk your drunken ass home through at 2am. By February, there is no magic left; it is just keeps going on and on. It is like going to a strip club, or watching a porno movie: after a while, enough is enough.

Insulation vs. Fat

Speaking of nekid bodies, sometime this winter, you will unexpectedly catch sight of your nekid self in the mirror and go "damn!", and not in a good way. Winter time brings added caloric intake, but at some point, you cross over from "adding seasonal insulation" to "its a new addition!". Yeah, no one likes this, myself included. The longer you live here the harder it is to avoid. You look for new and different ways to cover this up, which brings us to....

Sweaters:

I like clothes and I am not afraid to shop for new stuff. The item that I have the most trouble with is the one you need for the winter months: Sweaters. I have two problems with getting new ones. First is, I am very sensitive and ticklish. Any sort of heavy, scratchy wool is no good. I can feel it itching me through two other layers. Second, I have a deceptively big head. Its huge, actually. Borderline Shrek-head. I think I wear a size 7 3/4 hat, even with a haircut. Finding a sweater than can accommodate my cabeza takes a lot of work. Pretty much, it has to be a v-neck.

I found some warm, soft, v-neck sweaters and I guard them like gold. They are the only ones I can wear, and quite frankly, there are getting old. It makes me think, maybe I should live in a less sweater-dependent climate. Which brings me to my next complaint.

Realization that I could be living somewhere else:

I consider my best super-power the ability to sleep anywhere, anytime. I do not possess that survival instinct that prevents me from feeling comfortable in a strange bed or location. In primitive times, I would be dead meat. My only Kryptonite for sleep is when I really, REALLY, have something on my mind, which causes me to wake up at exactly 4am. Precisely 4am. No more than 1 minute off from this time. If I have some serious thinking to do, it will wake me up at 4am, and I am pretty much screwed for sleep the rest of the night.

Why do I bring this up? Because more than once I have been woken up at 4am thinking "there isn't any reason you couldn't be living on a beach." It is not a thought to easily push out of your mind when you are wrapped up to your nose in flannel sheets. I have been woken up by this realization several times over the past year - or by its close cousin - "what is stopping you from living in Vegas? You like Vegas? Why not live there!"

Anyway, that is my bitch of the day. I was able to get home, accident free, after an hour of driving a 20 minute commute. I know winter won't be so bad once I get into it. It is very pretty here and there is still lots to do even with the cold. Just so long as I don't have to drive there....

Happy Winter

The a-hole approved car

2009-10-21T20:19:00.004-05:00

The other night I was out to dinner with a friend and we got on the topic of cars. Not really cars, but bad drivers. Or rather, a$$hole drivers. The stories were entertaining but what really made it memorable was that all our stories seemed to start the same way:

"I was driving down the road and some a$$hole in a 3-series BMW…"

Think about your own encounters with an a$$hole driver, and I'll wager at least half of them involve a 3-series bimmer. It is the a$$holes choice of car.

I'm not saying that everyone who drives a 3-series is an a$$hole. Off the top of my head, I can think of at least three friends who drive a 3-series, and they are very nice people and courteous drivers. But there is a segment of the population out there who drives likes a$$holes, and the care they seem to drive most is the 3-series.

The only reason I can think of why has to do with the status. BMW makes fantastic cars. They are (usually) styled very well and their performance is impressive. Driving one denotes a certain status or success. The average BMW costs more than the average household income in the US. I don't think a$$hole behavior is as prevalent with 5-series, 7-series, etc, drivers. I only see it with the 300's. It is the lowest price model, making it more accessible to a larger portion of the jerk population.

3-series owners drive like NBA players showboat: They act like childish jerks and they want everyone to notice; they want street cred. Whenever I see one on the road today, I instinctively think "a$$hole alert!", and take defensive steps immediately. They have a bad reputation, which provokes an instantiations dislike for them, and an unwillingness of other drivers to show them any kindness on the road. As a result, this causes more a$$hole behavior from them, which continues the spiral.

Meanwhile, other jerky drivers slip by under the radar, their numbers in other models of cars are too small to notice. The really clever ones drive cars you would never suspect an a$$hole driver to own. They perform unbelievable acts of a$$holeness on an unsuspecting motorists. They get away with it because no one expects this behavior, except from a 3-series driver.

Which is why I drive a Volvo.

Happy driving.

Forecast for snow and stupidity

2009-10-12T19:20:00.004-05:00

On Baseball's opening day in 2008, I bitched about how stupid it was for the city to build a new stadium for the Minnesota Twins without a retractable dome. It was snowing that day. Lots. 6-8" of snow. This is not unexpected on opening day, in this part of the country.

Season Opener for Stupidity

We were told not to worry; the real problem with snow and bad weather was at the beginning at the season, not the end. As anyone who watched the national weather reports today, or who has a friend in Minnesota knows, it is snowing here. Again. It is early in the season for us to have snow, but it is not completely unexpected. Had this been 2010, and if the Twins had a closer, we would be facing a possible snow-out in upcoming playoff games.

There is really nothing new to bitch about now. The stadium is scheduled to open next Spring, and if we keep our existing team, there is a distinct possibility we will have to deal with snow in a playoff game next year. And unlike snow-outs at the beginning of the season, when you have to make up games at the end of the season, the longer it takes to play, the colder and more unpleasant it gets.

When the Milwaukee Brewers needed a new stadium, they also hit up the State; five counties had to increase their sales tax by 0.1% to pay for the $400 million in construction costs. The stadium was finished in 2001. It has a retractable dome. The stadium for the Twins costs more; its projected cost is $522 million ($390 for the stadium, the rest on infrastructure improvements), also paid for by a sales tax increase. It costs more and it does not have a retractable dome.

I never would have thought folks in Wisconsin were smarter than us (or that we were stupider than them), but apparently I was wrong. Very wrong. They got a stadium that costs 20% less, plus a roof for free. Plus it holds more people.

My apologies to everyone in the Badger State for any disparaging comments I have every made to you, or your state.

Signs of Mystery

2009-10-10T15:01:00.005-05:00

So I stopped by the US Bank branch in NE Minnie today, and I saw this sign in the parking lot. At first I didn't pay too much attention to it, but then it hit me - something is very, very odd about this sign.

It was Saturday afternoon, not during banking hours, and I was using the ATM. My total trip would be (I hoped) under 5 minutes. So in terms of the requirements of the sign, I was obeying the man.

What struck me as odd is who is supposed to use this spots during all other times?

The sign specified ATM use during non-banking hours. What about during banking hours? What about for customers who actually have business in the bank - they are not allowed to park here? This and the ones next to it are prime spots - equivalent to the handicapped spots. What about people who park here to use the ATM during banking hours? Are they in violation of the sign? It sure seems so.

I have no grand conclusions to pull from this episode, aside that it supports my grand unification theory of humanity: the idiots are taking over and we are all doomed.

As for my visit to the ATM, the machine was out of money. I don't know if that makes me in violation of the sign as I did not actually get to use the ATM. Eh, it is good to be a rebel now and then.

Happy banking

The Laziness Quotient

2009-10-08T20:30:00.000-05:00

There is a coke machine very close to where I sit at work. It is on the main hallway of the first floor. It charges $1.35 for a 20 oz bottle of Coke. On the second floor, the vending machines charge $1.25, 10 cents less, for the same bottle.

Both vending machines are run by the same company, but there is a difference in price. Someone has figured out my laziness quotient.

I discovered this price disparity by accident. I wanted a Dr. Pepper, which was only available on the second floor vending machines. It was there I noticed this price difference. Why, I asked myself, why would the same company charge two different prices for exactly the same item?

There was only one reason - because they knew I was lazy.

They knew they could extract an extra dime out of me because I was too lazy to walk upstairs and save an extra 10 cents. And they are right. When I need a Coke fix, I rarely make the trip to the second floor.

I give them credit for their ingenuity. They have figured out how much my time and effort are worth and they have extracted a price premium because of it. So what is my laziness quotient? At what point will I be willing to put out the effort to save money? I tried to find out:

There are three factors at work here: money, time and effort.

Money: How much is the difference between the two options - the lazy one and the discounted item? In this case 10 cents.

Time: How much longer does it take me to get the coke from upstairs? It takes me 13 seconds to get from my desk to the 1st floor Coke machine (assuming there is no traffic). To get to the second floor machine, it takes 1:37 seconds (again, assuming no traffic). Transaction time is a wash, so the difference is: 97-13=84 x 2 (return trip) = 168 seconds, or 2:48.

Effort: The big difference in effort is really the stairs. There are 23 steps I have to walk up to get to the next floor (I know- it doesn't seem right. The first set of stairs has 12 steps to the mid-point landing, but the second set has only 11. I find this very odd at a company full of engineers, but I double checked: 23 steps.) So with the return trip, there are 46 stairs to be navigated.

So by my thinking, the laziness formula would be in the structure of the following:

(x*168) + (y*46) = (z*0.1)

Where x, y and z are the coefficients which need to be solved.

I'll be looking for other settings to gather data to solve this one. I think sporting events would be a good venue. In the meantime, I will try to figure out why on earth soda bottles are so large nowadays (remember when 16oz containers were considered large?) and what is the theoretical limit of the amount of coke one person should drink at a sitting.

Happy Laziness!

Revenge of the interviewed!

2009-10-02T12:10:00.002-05:00

Thursday I had another internal interview. I was surprised to get an email about this job. Actually, I was surprised the email I got about the job was an invitation to discuss it. I thought the note I received would have been a rejection. I'll explain why:

First, it was for a job that was listed several job grades above my level; the fellow who had the job was an internal legend who was just promoted to Director (which at my employer is equivalent to being elected Pope). Second, it was in the Automotive division, one which I have never worked nor had any contact. Granted I do drive a car, but that doesn't qualify as industry experience. Lastly, it was managing the adhesives portfolio, which I have not marketed. Those of you who know me know of my fondness for tape (such a fun toy!), and during the slow hours of trade shows, I have used the adhesive guns to create complex structures of wood and ear plugs. But that is really more of arts and crafts activity and not really marketing (close, but not quite).

So why was I selected to discuss this position? I have no idea. I didn't think my chances were good to get this job, so I spent absolutely zero time preparing. I was chosen for a reason, or as a mistake; either way I could not reasonably address these gaps in the 36 hours between being notified and the interview. Instead, my "prep" involved having a coke and a pack of twix bars.

Adding to my handicap, I forgot an umbrella, so both me and my suit got thoroughly wet. Even after toweling off, I smelled like dog. So with all this going against me, I went in to meet the Director. She was very nice and pleasant, but direct and a bit hurried; she was leaving for three weeks in Asia the next day. She asked me before we get started, do I have any questions?

I couldn't resist.

"Yes, one. Why are you interviewing me?"

I don't know why I said it. I do have a tendency to state the obvious, or ask the simple questions that we should know the answer to, but that we often don't. Or, maybe it was just the frustration of the job search; I had lost out on a job the previous week, which I thought I would have been an obvious choice. Whatever my reason was, I put the questions down as a strike back for all of us who are looking for jobs and have had to put up with this mindless, painful process.

Needless to say, that was not the question she was expecting. She was a bit surprised, until I pointed out the reasons I was not a fit. Then something remarkable happened. She then looked at the notes she had made on my resume and says, "yes, now I remember. I thought you would be a good fit because..." and she then proceed to tell me why I was right for a position for which I am clearly under qualified (not to mention that I smell like wet dog).

I have been told that the secret to interviewing is to get the interviewer to like you, that way they will be more forgiving of the parts of your background that do not fit. I think I did the next best thing; I got her to tell me why I was the right fit for the job.

The rest of the interview went well. We talked about the challenges of the auto industry; I was fairly up yo date on what was going on thanks to "The Economist" (turns out we are both junkies of that publication).

I have no idea how it will go or if I will get this job. I have had better interviews, but none where I felt so relaxed. I'll see how that goes - if nothing else, it was worth a shot.

Round 7

2009-09-29T19:58:00.003-05:00

Just a quick update on the work front for me. Today, I found out I have be re-re-re-re-re-re-extended (or re^7). Yes, I know. It is hard for me to believe, too. This extension will be for another month, which may sound brief, but it is endlessly superior to the week long extensions. This last month has felt like a vacation, in comparison.

I am still working here on a very interesting project, in an area where I have very little knowledge. That is, until the last few weeks. It has been a bit of info overload, but it is fun to learn about this new market, and there is no shortage of info available.

I'm working for a friend, which has been great. It has been easy to work for him - he gives good direction, he doesn't like to micromanage, and he keeps me in the loop - all the things you want from a good boss. Plus - he has been a good guy to talk to about work, jobs, and what I want to do next. I can't say enough good things about him; this has been another example of how kind folks have been to me during this job transition period. I am very fortunate and appreciative.

Thanks to all for all the help

My pick for the 2016 Summer Olympics

2009-09-23T19:44:00.001-05:00

In one week, the International Olympic Committee (in all its corrupt glory) will pick the host city for the 2016 Olympics. Dozens of cities entertained and considered the idea, but the decision will go to one of four cities: Chicago, Madrid, Rio de Janeiro, and Tokyo.

The selection process for Olympic host cities ranks at the top of my list of favorite things, right up there with the "In Memory" section of the Oscars and the Scripts National Spelling Bee. It is one of those things I have a compulsion to read and learn about as much as possible. From the rebirth of the modern Olympic Games, choosing the host city has involved politics, human rights, intimidation and war - all those things that make life so interesting.

Within the IOC's charter, they modestly state their purpose is in part to "promoting a peaceful society concerned with the preservation of human dignity." Anyone who has studies the history of Olympic host locations knows this total excrement. The IOC favors dictatorships - plain and simple. Compare the inefficiency and incompetence of recent games run in democracies (e.g. Atlanta 1996, Athens 2004) versus the preparations for Beijing 2008, where they were ready over one year in advance. Promoting democracy may fill the seats, but they don't get the stadium built on time.

The Olympics for a long time were a money losing event. Montreal who hosted the games in 1976 did not pay off the accumulated debts until 2006, 30 years after the closing ceramonies. Financial difficulties were minor compared to how the Olympics could be used as a political venue, peacefully in Mexico City in 1968, tragically in Munich in 1972. Since WWII, it wasn't until Los Angeles in 1984 that the games could be (A) profitable, (B) safe and (C) hosted in a democracy.

Since then, the bidding for the games has grown intense. Voting is conducted in rounds, with the city with the lowest vote total being eliminated, until a winner remains. Allegations of bribery and corruption have surfaced in recent selections (Salt Lake City 2002 Winter Olympics). All of this is backdrop, leading up to the voting on Oct 2nd in Copenhagen where one of four cities will be chosen to be the center of the world stage for two weeks in 2016.

Not that anyone cares, but it is my opinion that there is clearly only one choice for the Olympic Games in 2016: Rio de Janeiro.

I have no counter arguments or reasons to use against the other cities. I think Chicago would be interesting, but if it was to be in the US again, I would prefer a location with more dramatic natural beauty (San Francisco, Boston, Seattle...). Spain showed the world it could throw a party in 1992 (I think it is still going on), but there are a lot of other places in Europe which haven't held the games in a long time (it has been almost 90 years since they have been in France, and it was a Frenchman who revived the games). Tokyo put on a good games in 1964, and I am sure they would again. But it is not someplace new, and it isn't long enough to make it seem like we need to go back. I base my choice of Rio on two reasons:

1. Democracy: The IOC touts the granting of the games as a coming of age for developing countries. It is a reward, they claim, for progressing to a developed, functioning democracy, which respects human rights. Recent examples cast doubt on this claim (Soviet Union 1980, South Korea 1988, China 2008. Yes South Korea. Please note, South Korea was awarded the games on Sept 30, 1981, when it was under the despotic and violent rule of Chun Doo-hwan). The only instance where it has ever been remotely true that the games are a reward for democracy is with Barcelona in 1992, who hosted the games 17 years after Franco and his dictatorship died.

Like Spain, Brazil has managed to transition itself from a government of largely cruel and incompetent military dictators into a functioning, stable democracy. It managed a peaceful transition of power in 2002, to an extremely liberal government, who nevertheless kept sound financial policies in place. In 2008, for the first time ever, it became a net creditor to other nations. Problems of poverty and crime still exist in Brazil, but the accomplishments are worth celebrating. It would be nice when the IOC says they support the harmonious development of man, that they actually mean it.

2. Location: The original Olympics started in Europe, as did the Modern Olympic games. Since they were reformed, they have not left their ancestral continent very much. The 2012 games in London will be the thirtieth games scheduled. Of those games, three have been canceled do to World Wars (Berlin 1916, Tokyo 1940, London 1944). Of the 27 remaining games, nearly 60% will have been held in Europe. North America has the next most games (six of 27), Asia has had three, and Australia has had two. Australia: Less than 0.5% of the worlds population and they have had two games.

By contrast, the games have never been held in South America or Africa (or Antarctica). Yes, Antarctica, with no indigenous population has hosted the games as many times as South America. South America, with 6% of the worlds population has yet to host a game. They have tried many times in the past, unsuccessfully. Most of their bids have not gotten them to the final round, although Buenos Aires has been a bridesmaid on a few occasions. For the 31st games, I think it is time that the fifth most populist counties in the world, and one with a stable, functioning democracy, which has shown respect for human rights, be allowed to be at the center of the world stage.

Good luck in Copenhagen. I wish I could vote for you.

The Hangover Effect

2009-09-21T12:38:00.003-05:00

One of my favorite things about this summer's movies was seeing washed out stars making cameo comebacks in comically misplaced rolls. Lou Ferrigno and Mike Tyson both made strong showings with their bit parts in "I love you, man" and "The Hangover". It took the public person of two well known, but off the main stream personalities and put them in comedic situations with great results. Imagine, trying to pick a fight with Lou and getting put in a sleeper hold, or getting a high five from Mike Tyson for stealing a cop car ("yeah, we've all done some crazy s#it!" - ha ha ha!) It was comedy GOLD!

This is a trend I would like to see continue. To help facilitate this process, I am suggesting five can't miss light-hearted, summer comedies, with comedic cameos.

"Address Unknown"
Seth Rogan is working in a post office, but wants to make it as a comedian. He is trying to do the right thing, earning a living at his day job so he can pursue his dream at night. He has a lot of coworkers who want him to success, and whom he tests his jokes out on every day. The only problem is he works with some of the dullest, most unfunny people on the planet. Each day is a new frustration as the jokes his coworkers like bomb in front of an audience. But in between this hilarity, he has to deal with unruly customers at his counter. Enter Steven Seagal. While Seth tries to explain a joke to a coworker at another booth, Steven Seagal gets more and more impatient as he waits his turn in line. When he finds out that they are out of a certain stamp, a quietly enraged Seagal, promises to send Seth "straight to hell!" as he pummels him through the window. Hilarity ensues.

"Rate of Return"
Vince Vaughn plays a fast talking, NYC, investment banker. He is a good guy at heart, but he works for a firm that engages in questionable behavior, which he never challenges. Vince finds himself out of work when his firm goes bankrupt; they were taking by the same scam that they had been perpetrating on their customers. Now, out of work, Vince must confront his own shortcomings and what he could have done to prevent this situation. Vince goes to a bar to try to get some perspective, talking to whoever will listen. Enter Sean Penn, circa his David Kleinfeld look in "Carlito's Way". As Vince tells him his story, Sean listens politely. As the story of Vince's misdeeds are shared, Sean realizes he is one of the customers who had been bankrupted by Vince. He then goes old school and attacks Vince like he is the paparazzi, and, well, hilarity ensues.

Period Piece with Gweneth Paltrow
This is one that would actually not be a light hearted comedy, at least not intentionally. The movie would be the latest installment or a Jane Austin novel, or some other period piece, which would star Gweneth Paltrow. It would be a serious movie, with an all star cast, with one special actor: Warren Sapp. He would play a minor role in the movie - Gweneth's man servant or something. No explanation would be made how a very large African American, with a US accent, would be in 18th century England. Sapp would play the role straight, but still, it would be very, very funny. Everyone in the audience would be wondering "What is Warren Sapp doing in the movie? Is this supposed to be a comedy? What is he doing- is he going to tackle someone?" It would be hilarious!

"Love Intervention"
The always funny Jeanne Garafolo is a personal dating coach, who can't get her own love life right. She gives people advice on dating and relationships all day long, and goes home to an empty apartment and spends the night trying to figure out what is wrong with her own love life. Until, that is, she meets her dream man, who just happens to be her patient. She has to figure out a way to turn this patient into her special friend, in a comedic way. In between her planning, she has appointments with others looking for help. Enter Linda Florentina, circa her character from "The Last Seduction". She is repentant now and trying to figure out why she can't hold onto a good man once she finds one. Comedy ensues!

"School of Rock 2"
Jack Black revives his role from School or Rock, for a sequel. It is seven years since the last movie, and Jack is trying to make it producing other musical acts. Enter Sylvester Stallone circa his country music singing character in "Rinestone". He is still trying to make it as a country western singer, and he is auditioning for Jack, hoping that he can finally take him to the big time. I have no idea how the rest of the movie will play out, but hilarity will ensue.

Why I don't support Obama's Health Care reform

2009-09-12T14:23:00.004-05:00

For the past few months, I have kept silent on the topic of health care reform and the presidents proposals. I have felt his policies, while well intentioned, have been misguided and naive. Today he was in Minneapolis making his pitch for health care reform. Since he is coming to my town to state his views, I have decided to break my silence and share my views.

First off, I applaud Obama for addressing this very serious issue. Medical bills are the number one cause of personal bankruptcy in this country. Too many folks are loosing their health insurance because they are being laid off, and there is a good chance they may not get them from their new employer. It is a serious issue which needs to be addressed.

What I disagree with is the way the new policies are being structured; specifically, there are three major flaws I see, which make his policies unacceptable. For those of you who doubt my any of my statements, I have included my sources for your reference:

1. Lack of tort reform for medical malpractice:

One reason health care costs are so high is that doctors often prescribe tests that are not necessary. This is done for two reasons. First, doctors are paid by the number of tests they perform, not the number of patience they see, and second, liability concerns. This results in unnecessary costs being added to the system. This is a cause of high health care, which is not be addressed in Obama's cure. The current proposed "cure" is to provide health care to everyone in its current, inefficient, expensive form. It is addressing a symptom, not the cause, of high health care costs. ("Life is Expensive", The Economist, May 28, 2009; "Heading for the Emergency Room", The Economist, June 25th, 2009)

2. No incentive to get healthy:

The best case scenarios for health care reform put the price at over $1 trillion. History suggests the true figure will be 5-10 times higher. By the best case estimates of $1 trillion, this will amount to a budget deficit of 5.5% of GDP in 2019, assuming the economy recovers next year. Yet for all this money, there appears to be no programs or funding designed to reward for healthy lifestyles, or programs to improve the public health. If health care becomes a "right" of all Americas, it is unlikely that folks will take better care of their health. Likely, it would get worse, knowing there is a safety net to protect and take care of them. Again, like the idea of tort reform, the proposed policy does not address the cause - Americans by and large lead unhealthy lifestyles; the proposed policy only attempts to provide an inefficient and expensive "cure". ("Will the Blue Dogs Bolt?", The Economist, June 18, 2009; "Falls the Shadow", The Economist, July 23, 2009)

3. The United States Postal Service vs. FedEx

Obama's policy provide for a government sponsored health insurance option. Nothing should strike fear into the hearts of Americans more. Our government has proved time and time again that it can not adequately deliver services that address the public's need. Anyone who doubts this need only look at one organization: The US Postal Service. If the USPS addressed the needs of the public, FedEx would not exist today. The USPS had the infrastructure, the people and the resources to establish an overnight delivery service, but they didn't. Private enterprise did. It identified a need and delivered a service which started with a concept in 1973 to a company that generates $35 billion in revenue today. All of this could have been the USPS's, but it is not. Public services do not face the pressure of market forces to adapt, evolve and change. Defenders of the USPS claim it was never intended to be an overnight delivery service; if that was really true, they would not be offering that service today (36 years too late).

The government needs to stick to its charter: establish the laws of the land. If the requirement is that all Americans need to carry some form of health insurance, pass the law which mandates this requirement; let private enterprise deliver the service. As with Auto Insurance, Progressive and Geiko have been able to deliver services, profitably, to those considered insurable. This is what the private sector does best; it is not what the US government has ever been able to do.

Tale of the Tapes

2009-08-23T16:19:00.006-05:00

One of the oddities about my job situation right now is that there are days where I have nothing do to. This past Friday was spend basically waiting at home for the call to see if I was going to be employed next week (or not). With not much else to do, and finding it difficult to focus on anything requiring real thought, I embarked on one of my many cleanup projects.

I had been working on cleaning up my bedroom mostly - lots of things that need to be organized. Projects already completed include the magazine cleanup (cut out all the articles I wanted to keep) and updating my coin collection (seriously). The project to be addressed Friday morning - the box of mystery!

I'm not sure what was in the box. I put it beside my bookcase many years ago as a temporary placement, to be addressed that weekend. That turned into next weekend. Then the weekend after that. Etc. Whatever was originally in the box, got covered by other stuff. And more stuff. Etc. You get the idea. Anyway, its time had come.

Once I got into it, most of the stuff was useful, but it just needed a permanent home: clothes for glassblowing, wraps and clothing from boxing (I did the workout - I didn't take a punch. I'm not completely stupid), plus mail dated from 2004 (which got tossed - if it hasn't come up by now, it ain't worth reading). Down at the bottom was one surprise - a bag of old cassette tapes.

I have two cases for cassette tapes that are full. I am not buying a third. I had to call for cuts. Approximately 37 tapes would have to go in order for everything to fit. With nothing better to do, I went down the musically journey into my past.

Throwing out the old tapes was fairly easy: anything that I already had on CD, or other electronic version would be trashed, baring any emotional attachment to the tape. Mix tapes were spared, as they represent a unique time and place, or someones music collection that I had raided. Some of the notable mix tapes which I discovered included:

The "Mother of all Cheese" collection, courtesy of Chippy's vast knowledge of 80's music

"A collection of really neat songs" volumes 1-3. What GC3 didn't know about naming mix tapes, he made up for in quality of music

"John 'Sitting Duck' Surles greatest hits" I roomed with a country music fan in college for a year and a half. I used to make fun of his music, but eventually it kinda grew on me. I never admitted this fact, and I made this tape without his knowledge. I guess the word is out now.

Some of tapes that made it were quite surprising. I didn't realize that a bunch of my favorites I only owned in this second rate, plastic format, such as:

"Chronic Town" by REM

"Kick" by INXS

"Never mind the Bollocks here's the Sex Pistols" by the Sex Pistols

"Sonic Temple" by The Cult

"Brothers in Arms" by Dire Straits

Billy Idol's self titled debut

Several albums by the Beatles

Every pre-Hagar Van Halen album

"Double Platinum" by Kiss (laugh if you must, but you have rocked to these songs, too. Admit it.)

What was left is a sad collection mostly of really bad, no talent, hair-metal bands. I'm quite embarrassed. None of these albums were really worth owning at the time. I'm sure the checkout guy at the record store still laughs at me to this day for some of these purchases. So for your reading amazement, I give you, my own personal tale of the tapes - the regrettable collection of music that in one point in my life I thought was good enough to possess a copy:

"Stay Hungry" by Twisted Sister

"Fire of Unknown Origin" by Blue Oyster Cult

"Dawn Patrol" by Night Ranger

"Savage Amazement" by the Scorpions (sadly not "World Wide Live")

"Bat out of Hell" by Meatloaf

"I'm too sexy" (Single) by Right Said Fred (I kinda want to put this in the surprise category)

Judas Priest Live

"90210" by Yes

"The Stroke" by Billy Squire

Whitesnakes self titled debut

The Best of a Flock of Seagulls (yeah - how did they come up with nine songs to fill the tape?)

"Pyromania", "High n' Dry" and "Hysteria" by Def Leppard

Roy Orbison: 12 of his best (how it ended up with the rest of this collection, I'll never know)

"Metal Health" by Quiet Riot (But it only cost me $1 - the price tag was still on it)

Two Post-David Lee Roth Van Halen Albums

"Turn back the clock" by Johnny hates Jazz (ummm....)

"Tribute" by Ozzy Osborn and Randy Rhodes

"Open up and say .... ahhh!" by Poison

Six albums by Rush (does it really matter which ones? They all sound the same)

Three by Triumph (ditto here)

"No Tellin' Lies" by Zebra (yeah - who??!)

"Dos" by Gerardo (you know the "Rico Suave" dude. This was his follow up album; it should have been titled "Fin")

And finally, for Tammie and all of those of you who know the story of my first time my car was broken into:

"Out of the Cellar" by Ratt

Rock on Metalheads!

Pulling a Costanza on the job search

2009-08-20T10:33:00.003-05:00

Latest on the job search for me - oh, where to begin. Last Friday was to be my last day; I had been extended on a special project, in a different division. It was a good project, and I had a lot of fun, but it was not going to be a full time job. I knew the last day was coming, and that was to be last Friday.

However, last week a ton (relatively speaking) of internal jobs came up, but because of the short timeline, I didn't think there would be any chance for me to interview or get them before my last day (Aug 14). The good news for me was my HR manager knew the hiring manager for one of them, and as it turns out I was one of their top candidates. She was able to get me an interview with him Thursday. I found out late Friday that I would be getting at least a weeks extension for formally interviewing for this job. Yes, cutting it close, again.

I was expecting to have interviews this week, but so far, nothing. I know the guy was busy, but I was hoping to at least get the interviews scheduled. In the meantime, I was able to get an informational interviewed for another job that I had applied to that I found very interesting. This job search for me has all about doing things I am not comfortable doing. In the immortal words of George Costanza, I am doing the complete opposite of my natural instincts in the job search, and it is serving me very well.

For example, when I found out my job had been eliminated, my natural instinct would have been not to tell anyone about it. But what good would that have done? What is the point? So, I pulled a Costanza, did the complete opposite, and told everybody. Turns out, that is what got me my temporary assignment and kept me employed for three more months. Yeah, I would say that worked out well for me.

So, when this latest job popped up I figured I wouldn't have the time to interview, so I was going to let it go without pushing on it. But then again, why do that? Time to pull another Costanza. I not only called the hiring manager to make my case, but I set up an informational interview with him on Monday - during his only free 30 minutes he had during the entire day. I was not expecting him to accept, or if he did, I figured he would not have time to meet. Whatever - what is the worst that can happen - I don't get the job? Turns out he did accept the invite and we did meet, and we got along great. He wants to bring me in for interviews next week.

I have no idea where this will go. I am scheduled to have my last day (again - the fifth one), Friday. It may extend for another week - maybe not. Something else might come up to extend it further. Whatever happens, I will be doing the opposite of what I think I should be doing when it comes to finding a job.

The 11th hour, again

2009-08-13T19:26:00.002-05:00

Just a quick job update note. It is the proverbial 11th hour for me (again). My last day of my third extension is due to be tomorrow (Friday), which will ironically be my nine year anniversary here. It is my expectation that this will be my last day with my employer.

But then again, it may not.

I had applied for a job internally about a week or so ago; I was not expecting them to be interviewing for it quite yet, but thanks to some favors being called in by my (kick @ss) HR manager, I found out Wednesday that I would be interviewing today. I am not sure how it went - I think I was a little too energized. But, I'll find out soon if I did well enough to go to the final round of interviews. That would mean another extension. Seriously. There may also be another opportunity in the works, which could conceivably keep me here, as well, too. The timeline may not work out, but I'll know more about that tomorrow, too.

So, once again, facing my final day, I am not sure what will happen, again. But through this whole process, I can not get over how nice and helpful folks have been to someone in need (aka me). Even if neither of these work out, I'll walk away feeling that I did my best to explore every possible opportunity here and that everyone I know who said they would help, really tried to help. I will leave with no complaints or hard feelings.

Should be an interesting next 20 hours for me.

Re-re-extended at work

2009-08-03T09:35:00.003-05:00

Just a quick post to loyal BS readers that I am still (temporarily) employed. The one and only Danielle got me another re-re-extension (she is the greatest!), for another two weeks here. But I think this will be the last one.

The division that is paying for me has indicated in can not keep me on, and nothing has developed internally, so I will most likely be unemployed after Aug 14th. Interestingly, my first day of work here was also Aug 14th, nine years ago. Symbolism? Maybe - if you buy into that stuff. I'm not putting any meaning to it at all. What I know is that the sponsoring division has said they could not keep me on the books and that is it.

Now, things have changed before, so who knows. Also, there are other things going on outside, so maybe something good will come up soon. I for one am kinda looking for this to be over. I like being employed (and feeling useful), but the short term nature makes it tough to plan ahead: will I be here next month? will I not? what will I be doing? etc. Sometimes you need to rip of the bandage, and as unpleasant and sad as it will be to leave, that might need to happen.

On the plus side, I will have much more time for posting stories! My day has been too busy between working and finding work to get in a lot of fun or adventures, to say nothing of writing about them.

Thanks again to Danielle - she is the greatest. I am working on a large statue in her honor.

Beware of the Chick Flicks!

2009-06-29T19:26:00.005-05:00

There have been two surprise hit movies this summer, "I Love You, Man" and "The Hangover", which have been drawing in big crowds since their release. Their success has baffled the experts prompting waves of stories on why are these movies successful. For those of you who haven't figured it out, let me explain why these two movies have been hits:

They are secretly "Chick Flicks" in disguise.

Let me explain.

Chick Flicks are movies designed to appeal to a female audience. The theme is always the same - the central character has trouble with a relationship/friendship, and turns to others for help, and through a series of loosely tied together scenes, understanding is reached with a happy resolution in the end. Usually, but not always, this happens at a wedding.

Sound familiar?

(By contrast, in a Guy Movie, the central character has trouble with authority/establishment, uses guns, he works alone but picks up a busty babe along the way, and through a series of loosely tied together scenes, understanding is reached through the use of guns, violence and car chases. Usually, but not always, this happens at the docks/train station/airport (something transportation related).)

"I Love You, Man" and "The Hangover" are both Chick Flicks, but with guys in the lead roles, not women. By doing so, they have cleverly doubled the potential population of those willing to see this movie (e.g. both men and women). Chicks are driving the traffic and popularity of these movies. They make for an (apparently) effective compromise movie, but in reality, guys, you are being dragged to a chick movie.

If you don't believe me, go to IMDB.com and look at the breakdown of votes by gender. While more guys than women have voted, woman have given both movies the higher overall rating. Find me a movie staring a Schwarzenegger, Stallone, or Willis where this is true.

I found them both entertaining - better than I thought, but not as raunchy as I was expecting. I did like the fact that both of them had washed out muscle guys (Lou Ferrigno and Mike Tyson) in comedic roles (see upcoming post on this). But deep down, they disappointed. They are one and done movies, never to be seen again. Me, I'm waiting for "Inglorious Bastards."

Happy viewing

4 Exercises to Sharpen Your Brain

2009-06-23T14:20:00.002-05:00

Number 3 is my excuse as to why I obsessively play with tape and rubber bands. I am not fidgeting; I am stimulating the brain. That is my excuse and I am sticking with it. Oh - and it is why I mangle movie tickets, too.

Thanks Dr. Mao and Yahoo Health:

---------------------------------------------
4 Exercises to Sharpen Your Brain

By Dr. Maoshing Ni - Posted on Fri, Jun 19, 2009, 1:12 pm PDT

Think of your brain as a muscle: It gets stronger with exercise. Your everyday mental tasks are like walking, but how about a real workout? Try these simple exercises to boost your brain power and clear away the fog of forgetfulness.

1. Use your non-dominant hand: Tackling new tasks improves brain capacity in younger people and has a restorative effect on mental faculties that are declining. Boost your brain power right now by performing everyday activities with your non-dominant hand. If you're right-handed, use your left hand to eat, drink, comb your hair, and brush your teeth. Try writing your name with your non-dominant hand or put your mouse pad on the other side of the keyboard.

Why does this work? The human brain starts declining after the age of 30 especially in women with each successive pregnancy. By exercising your brain through the use of non-dominant hand, you are stimulating the opposite side of the brain and activating blood flow, which slows down the brain aging process and improves mental capacity. Evidence from functional brain imaging shows that the process of neuroplasticity -- the brain's natural ability to form new connections -- can be enhanced by studying new things, especially hand-eye coordinated exercises like developing the use of your non-dominant hand and practicing visualization meditation. For an effective guided visualization that will also increase your years, check out Meditations to Live to Be 100.

Stimulating communication between the two hemispheres even helps physical balance. Mind-body exercises like tai chi coach people to use the right and left side of the body equally. Try switching it up in sports. For instance, in tennis, switch the racquet to your non-dominant side and play.

2. Work out your brain: You have to use it or lose it! You can work out your mind just like you work out your body. Mental exercises that will keep your brain fit include doing crossword puzzles, playing chess, or memorizing names, shopping lists, and phone numbers. When I was a young boy, to keep my brain function strong, my father had me memorize Tang Dynasty poetry. Every day I had to memorize a new poem and recite it back. Learn the words to a poem or a new song and repeat them back from memory. Set aside the calculator and add manually instead. Keep challenging yourself with tasks that are new to you.

Whatever mental exercise you choose, the key to success is to practice every day at the same time; you are developing and activating new neural pathways, and consistent cycles will keep the brain on track.

3. Move your fingers to improve your brain: Many people marvel that Asian children seem so intelligent. It could be because they use their fingers more frequently. They eat with chopsticks and at one time, they used to compute with an abacus in school. In fact, some studies have been done with children who use an abacus daily, and findings show that engaging the fingers stimulates nerve endings that go directly to the brain, increasing circulation. Take advantage of this by practicing motor activities that use your fingertips, like crocheting, knitting, and other arts and crafts where you are manipulating small parts. Try playing the piano or a stringed instrument.

Here is an exercise you can do anywhere, at any time. Put one finger on top of the one next to it, then try to stack the next finger on top of that. Or hold a pencil or pen between your index and middle fingers, roll it over until it's balanced between the middle and ring fingers, then again to between the ring finger and pinky. This exercise has a beneficial impact on brain health for anyone at any age, but especially for people in their 40s, 50s and beyond -- when signs of brain aging starts to set in.

Why does this work? A map of the brain shows that the nerve endings on your fingertips correspond to more areas of the brain than any other body area, except perhaps the tongue and lips. Therefore, finger exercise and movements can be useful in stimulating the neurons in the brain. The National Institute of Mental Health conducted experiments that showed finger exercises enlarged the capacity of the participants' brains, increased connections between neurons, forged new neural pathways, and increased circulation to the brain areas. The researchers concluded that finger exercise contributed significantly to brain plasticity, the ability of the brain to renew itself. Increased circulation means more oxygen and nutrients for the brain cells and decreased waste products that clog up the brain.

4. Stimulate brain acuity with self-massage: To improve concentration and memory try this self-massage that stimulates two easy-to-find acupressure points on your neck at the base of the skull. Cross your hands behind you with the palms cradling the back of your head, your thumbs in the grooves on each side of your neck, and your index fingers crossing one another below the skull, just above the thumbs. Sit in a chair, lean your head back, and let it rest against the pressure of your thumbs and index fingers. Slowly inhale deeply through your nose and exhale through your mouth, letting your whole body relax. Do this for three to five minutes. You'll increase blood flow to the brain and at the same time relax the neck muscles, which often tense up in response to stress, constricting blood vessels in the area.

You can find these, and many other brain boosting tips in my new book, Second Spring. I invite you to visit often and share your own personal health and longevity tips with me. May you live long, live strong, and live happy!

--Dr. Mao

Anoop: my good luck charm

2009-06-16T13:53:00.000-05:00

One other note on the job search has been the the role of another good friend here at work: Anoop. Anoop, or as we like to call him, Snoop or Snoop Dog, has had a profound impact on my career here and for my reasons in being in Minnesota.

Nine years ago, my first phone interviews were with Anoop, and he was the one who recommended bringing me up for final rounds. When I joined, Snoop became my first manager. He moved onto another job, but we have tried to keep in touch.

Up till May 14th, we had not had lunch or chatted together for a while. I remember the date, because it was to be the day before my last day of work. The next day, however, my extension came through for another 30 days.

Snoop, still feeling some lingering managerial responsibility for me, scheduled a follow up lunch for about 30 days out to see how I was doing. That was last Wednesday. The next day, I found out extension number two came through. Coincidence? I think not.

My new last day, is July 31st. I have lunch scheduled with him for earlier that week. Also, he is on notice that he needs to be on standby in case I get an interview. Meeting with him has resulted in me getting a paycheck; that is a streak I am looking to continue

Thanks Snoop

The Extended Extension

2009-06-12T10:47:00.003-05:00

For those of you keeping up with my latest trials and tribulations of the job search, I have a minor update, and it is good news. I got another extension to continue the temporary assignment on which I am currently working. This is my second extension which will keep me employed until the end of July. I am very excited about this news, as I will be able to continue working on my current project which I enjoy, plus pick up a new one, while all the while still being employed (read: paid) and I can still look for positions internally.

This extension came through the efforts of two people. The first is my friend Danielle, whose heroics were described in an earlier posting ("Lessons from the Job Search", May 18, 2009). The second is a former manager of mine, N, whom I worked for seven years ago. There is a funny story on how N's and my path had crossed, yet again.

When I started working for her, I was at one of my lowest points professionally. The job I was promised when I moved to Minnesota was changed, dramatically. I was either going to have to accept the change or I would be fired. I wanted to leave then, but in the post 9/11 economic downturn, I thought it best to fight it out rather than take my chances. My new boss was N. We hit it off well, and although I didn't like my new job, I liked working for her. She was very bright, very dynamic, and she gave me opportunities to shine. We worked together very well. After 18 months, N was promoted to a new job, and soon, so was I, but we kept in touch over the years.

Fast forward six years to April: Job eliminations are announced, and both N and I are without positions. N had been on a fast track to the upper echelons, so I (and others who knew her) were very shocked to hear this news. I applied and interview for a job as a Business Development Manager; it is basically the same job I was doing before the cuts and it was at the same job grade. I didn't get the job, but I found out N was in the running.

I was surprised she had applied for the job, as it was several job grades lower than where she had been. I knew she would do a great job in this position; if I had been asked to chose between me and her, I probably would have chosen her. When I found out she was being considered, I did the right thing: I sent her a note wishing her well. Instead of letting the awkwardness build from both of us wanting the same job, I decided to do the grown up thing; I told her that I had interviewed (if she didn't know this already) but I didn't get selected; I heard she was still being considered and I wished her good luck and I hoped that she would get the job. As it turns out, she did.

Fast forward another month: I am working on this temporary project. It is a good job and a needed position, but with all the cost cutting going on, everyone has to pull extra weight. If I was to get another extension, I would not be immune. Step in N. We are now both in the same division; she was staring her first project and it was massive. The scope had expanded exponentially from the original charter; she was looking for some help. She knew my situation so she proposed an extension for me as well. We had worked together well in the past and she thought we would be good again in the future. So did I. So through the helps of Danielle and N, I got another extension. I'll be employed for another 7 weeks.

Funny how things work out sometimes.

On being an idiot

2009-06-08T14:11:00.004-05:00

Last night, for the first time ever, I let my car run out of gas. I have pushed the limit of the gas tank since, well, I started driving, so it was inevitable that this would happen.

I was lucky in many ways: it was springtime (e.g. not sub-zero with snow), I was in the Twin Cities (actually between St. Paul and Minnie), it was not in heavy traffic or a busy street, and there was a generous shoulder so I could pull of safely. Plus, I had no place I needed to be, nor anyone else in the car with me. Yeah, I was lucky.

I could bring out a whole host of reasons why I didn't fill it up sooner: the gas station I would have gone to was closed, I-94 was closed for repairs, the stars were not aligned. Ultimately, it came down to pushing my luck. I waited too long and by the time I got to end of the tank, I didn't want to go on a wild goose chase looking for a station that did not exist. That an the iPhone was really slow in pulling up nearby gas stations.

So I tried to push it to the one station that I knew existed. My famous last words were "it is only a few miles away - I can make it." About then, the car started sputtering and slowing down. My attempts to conserve gas by turning off the air, the radio and breathing shallow (figure it couldn't hurt) did not help.

I ended up walking to a gas station for a tank and gas. It took about 30-40 minutes round trip, which was made easier by admiring the skill of the marketer who priced the gas can I was now in possession ($9.99 for plastic, empty). I think - considering the situation that people are in when they walk into a SuperAmerica needing a gas can, they could charge even more.

After the one fillup, the car still wouldn't start, but I was able to get a hold of a friend for a ride. Thank you Mr. Gassman for taking picking me up and driving my dumb @ss back to the gas station and then to my car for round two. Fortunately, this time, the car started and it seems to be working fine today.

Two very curious things about last night:

(1) Never underestimate the kindness of strangers:

I ran out of gas right behind a family that had car issues of their own. Their truck had died, and they had to come out in their other car to pick up the driver. They were from Wisconsin, and a ways from home. They were trying to figure out how they were going to pay for the tow - not the repairs - but the tow. Yet, when the tow truck came to hall off their vehicle, they were concerned about me and leaving me behind. I assured them I had a friend on a way to help me out, but they wanted to wait and make sure. I assured them I was fine several times before they would go. Yep, there are still good people out there.

(2) Never underestimate the number of jerks there are on the road:

I was on 35E heading North, ready to exit onto 36, when the car started sputtering and slowing. The car behind me pulls right up on my bumper. I put on my hazard lights to alert him that not all was right with my car, yet this seemed to have the opposite effect. He started driving closer, to the point I could make out his hand gestures and what he was saying. His comments were not exactly kind; he broke several commandments and suggested behavior made illegal by laws against bestiality. This was probably a karmic message specifically for me, based on my driving style. It is a lesson learned.

Anyway, the car is doing fine today, and I have a gas can, used only twice, that will soon have a new home with a friend who has a garage. I can't let that expensive piece of plastic go to waste.

Happy driving.

...and it is in Vegas!

2009-06-08T13:53:00.000-05:00

Apparently, there is a trade show for everything

http://www.rollercon.net/

World Air Traffic flow

2009-05-25T11:04:00.001-05:00

I got this from a friend - it's all the air traffic over 24 hrs, squeezed into 1 minute. You can see the movement of the sun over the world.

Enjoy

World_Air_Traffic_0-24_h.wmv

Lessons from the job search

2009-05-18T18:40:00.004-05:00

Last Friday I got some good news on the work front. I got an extension to stay at my employer, working in another division to help launch a new product. It is a temporary assignment which is scheduled to last for 30 days. This was a fortuitous bit of news for me, as this occurred on what was to be my last day.

It is interesting how it all transpired last week. I was still up for two jobs internally. If I was selected for final round interviews for either of them, I would probably get an extension. I had been packing up my office this week, preparing for the worst but still hoping for the best. I found out Thursday morning I did not get one of those jobs. I was down to one last option to stay; my optimism was waning.

I was cleaning up my office, when I came across a magazine loaned to me by my good friend Danielle. It was a mag on shops that made leather coats in Buenos Aires. Last fall I was supposed to be in Argentina, but due to a visa issue (see post: Ugly American) I never made it there. Danielle also included some currency and other items for me to use. I had kept the book, pending a reschedule, but as that did not happen, it got lost in a pile and forgotten. Until now.

Danielle is in a different division, but in the same building. So I walked down to her desk to return the magazine. It was about 10am Thursday. She asked how things were going with me; I had been keeping her up to date on my job search. She was very surprised that nothing had happened and was sad to see me go. Then she brought up an idea - would I consider working on a short time project for her division? It would be 30 days to help with a product launch. Sure, I thought. Why not? It is not like I have another job in hand, and this buys me time. Plus, after 30 days, if I don't get a job, I still get my severance package, so what is the downside? I said yes; then I saw the product to be launched. It was cool. Very cool. It will be one we hope everyone will see and know about very soon.

I had know Danielle for years and although we had not worked together on a project, we both kept in touch and talked about our projects and work frequently. Plus we got together for lunch every so often to talk about family, personal life, the whole shmear. I thought the potential of working for her would be fun. The only problem was that Danielle needed her Director's okay to hire me on. I don't want to say I was doubting her ability, but when the topic of money comes up the answer is often no (especially in this day and age). So while I was hopeful this would work out, I had doubts, especially with only one day to go. At about this time, her Director walks by her office. She says she has to see him; he was heading to the rest room, but said he would be back in a minute. I rush to my computer to eMail her my resume.

After lunch, I packed up my final items, and snuck out for the day. I didn't want a goodbye party; it didn't think it was appropriate when your job gets eliminated. My boss and I made arrangements to meet for dinner Monday night to sign the severance papers, if things didn't work out. Danielle had told me that she was working on getting it done, but I wasn't sure that it could happen in time; I had tried this path before. That night I met some friends for happy hour(s) and went to bed late. I woke up Friday morning, not feeling particularly well, but as I had nowhere to go, it didn't seem to matter. For some reason, I turned on my phone, although I didn't feel like talking. About 8:15 am I got a call from my boss. The extension to work for Danielle had come through. I would be around for at least 30 more days. Monday morning I start working on a new product launch. Also, I found out I am still in the running for the other job, too.

I really can't say enough good things about Danielle and what she has done for me. She made something happen out of nothing. Her division has not been hiring people, even temporarily. The fact it was me who got hired was entirely due to her support; I do not plan on disappointing her. The whole thing was wrapped up in under 24 hours - a miracle of sorts here - and on my last day of employment. I spent a lot of time this weekend thinking about this event, and I have realized three lessons I have learned:

1. Networking is the key to finding opportunities. All the books and experts have said this is the key to finding work. In a small way I have proved this true again.

2. Maintain friendships: It is always important to do so in good times and bad. Had I not kept in touch and felt comfortable working with me, would she have been willing to take a risk in bringing me in? Probably not.

3. Return stuff that isn't yours: The part I can't get over is that none of this would have happened had I not cleaned out my office and return something that didn't not belong to me. We have all heard this from our parents before, but this is the first time I think I have seen the benefit of doing so.

The product I am working on will be very fun. It has only been one day, but I have enjoyed it. Even if I have to move on, it is a good project for the resume. It is only a 30 day assignment, but it keeps me continuously employed at 3M. It gives me more time - not just at work but for the external search. Most importantly, it is keeping my mind active and it keeps me feeling useful. I hate feeling like I am not making a contribution, or helping in some way, and this job has given me that opportunity. It keeps me sane, at least for another month, and it makes me feel like I am still contributing, something I have missed doing during this job search. That has been the most important thing of all.

Thanks Danielle

Economy Beers Give Brewers Lift in Downturn

2009-05-07T11:17:00.003-05:00

It's PBR's time to shine! Thanks to Liz and the Wall Street Journal for this one:

---------------------------------------------------------

Mark Lehr's favorite beer is Heineken, but one recent afternoon, the Chicagoan emerged from a 7-Eleven with a 12-pack of Busch that cost him $8 -- about $7 less than a dozen Heinekens.
"My funds are limited right now," said the 39-year-old house painter, noting that he has had far fewer customers during the recession.

Sales of so-called economy brews, including Busch, Miller High Life and Pabst Brewing Co.'s Pabst Blue Ribbon, are rising faster than the nation's beer sales overall, and are helping industry giants Anheuser-Busch InBev NV and MillerCoors LLC weather the economic downturn.

Full Article - Wall Street Journal
(registration required for full story)

Where have all the comedians gone?

2009-05-05T18:32:00.004-05:00

Today, we lost another comic legend. The one and only Dom DeLuise passed away at 75. I first remember Dom DeLuise as Burt Reynolds sidekick Victor/Captain Chaos in the "Cannonball Run". He was over the top with his comedy, leaving his pride at the door. He did whatever it took to make the audience happy. Drama was not his forte. He wasn't trying to be suave or romantic. He had only one goal: make em laugh. He will be missed.

The loss of Dom highlights another problem with the movie industry; the loss of great comedic character actors. Where have all the bit players gone? What happened to all the actors who were willing to play comedic support in every movie they appeared in? They didn't want to be leading men or women; all they wanted to do was make em laugh.

All the great ones seem to be passing on. Don Knotts, the king of comedic support, passed on in 2006, and comedy has not been the same without him. He could still make em laugh well into his 60's with his part in "Pleasantville", but time caught up with him. Ditto John Candy. He has been gone for 15 years. Nobody was better at making what could be a really s#itty movie into comedy gold (example A: "Splash". Without him, this movie really sucks. If you don't believe me, watch it, but skip all the scenes with John Candy and you will be utterly dismayed at how bad this movie is). Bernie Mac passed away before mainstream America really had a chance to embrace him. Bernie didn't even have to say anything to be funny. Just him being himself on screen, without saying a word was guaranteed extra laughs. The same could be said for Rodney Dangerfield. I have never completely forgiven TNT for not having a "Pray for Rodney" weekend marathon right before his heart surgery. He brought so much and asked for so little in return. Ditto Ted Knight. He's been gone for 20 years.

Most of these actors tried, and failed, to be leading men. They had the chance to carry a movie on their own, and it usually sucked. Bad. But unlike other actors, they recognized the limit of their ability, and went back to doing what they did best - adding laughs to a movie. I feel like there is some stigma attached to this ability; it is as if you can only be measured as an actor based on your ability to carry a movie, not to add support. I've ranted before on where have all the bad guys gone; I think it would be fun to be a Hollywood villain. I think it would be just as good to be a supporting comedic actor. You don't have to worry about your looks, your part, or your Hollywood legacy. All you gotta do is make em laugh.

The prospects out there seem to be slim. Not many folks seem to be stepping up to the plate. Frontrunners include Ben Stiller, Janeane Garofalo, and Jack Black. They are not interested in Dramas (or at least not anymore). Ben Stiller is tailor made for the role of comedy support. Ditto Jack Black. Janeane Garofalo, well, lets just say her 60 second appearance in "The Cable Guy" made that movie, and it is one of the best bit parts ever. Jorge Garcia could do it. Even in "Lost" he could make the mundane funny (still laughing over his flinging of the Hot Pocket!) Tina Fey could do it, but she still has to prove the comedic range beyond "30 Rock" and Sara Palin. Still, she has the ability. Steven Wright could pick up the mantle, except that he dropped off the face of the Earth. Ditto for Eddie Deezen (the perpetual nerd) and Curtis "Booger" Armstrong.

I know it is selfish for me to wish that more actors would focus on just the bit comedy roles. If I were an actor, I would probably want to go for the limelight and the leading roles. To me, being comedic character support would be the greatest gig ever. No worries about your roles, no pressure on your legacy; all you gotta do is make em laugh.

Laziness is the mother of invention

2009-04-13T13:12:00.005-05:00

If I was to have guessed, I would have thought this came from Wisconsin. Ohio I guess is not too surprising.

Thanks to CNN for reporting this one:

----------------------------------------------------
Ohio man seeks trial over getting DUI on motorized barstool

(CNN) -- An Ohio man says he is seeking a jury trial on a charge of driving under the influence that was slapped on him after he crashed the vehicle he was piloting -- a barstool.

The barstool was welded to a small metal frame attached to a five-horsepower lawnmower engine.

"It was just an accident. I mean a little minor accident," Kile Wygle, 28, explained in an interview this week with CNN affiliate WSYX.

His homemade vehicle was made from a barstool welded to a small metal frame attached to a five-horsepower lawnmower engine, four wheels and a lawnmower steering wheel, according to the Newark, Ohio, police accident report.

Officers responding to a report of a crash with injuries March 4 said they found Wygle nursing his injuries and highly intoxicated. According to the police report, when asked how much he had had to drink, Wygle responded, "a lot."

He crashed during his attempt at a U-turn while speeding down the street in front of his home -- a daring move from atop the specialized barstool even for the most nimble and sober of men. Measuring 6-foot-1 and 230 pounds, and after having consumed what he later told an officer was 15 beers, Wygle appeared to be neither.

He was treated at a hospital for minor injuries.

According to the police report, Wygle claims his unique vehicle can reach a speed of 38 miles per hour, though at the time of the crash he was going around 20.

He entered a plea of not guilty.

Fabulous returns!

2009-04-12T12:54:00.002-05:00

From People Magazines, TV Watch

-----------------------------------------------------

Project Runway is returning to television this summer — and it will air on Lifetime.

According to the network, legal battles surrounding beleaguered reality show’s already-filmed sixth season have been amicably resolved. “The Weinstein Company will pay NBCU for the right to moveProject Runway to Lifetime. All of the parties are pleased with the outcome,” the networks say in a joint statement.

Changing gears, the upcoming season of Project Runway relocated from New York to Los Angeles, though it will continue to be hosted by Heidi Klum and judged by Michael Kors and Nina Garcia.Tim Gunn will also mentor the designers. As usual, the finale was shot during New York Fashion Week — this year on Feb. 20.

But ongoing legal disputes prevented producers from revealing any information about the cast, and the three final collections were shown blindly, with their designers unidentified. International Herald Tribute editor Suzy Menkes acted as the guest judge at the show.

In addition, sources close to the show have told PEOPLE that Project Runway’s season 6 will utilize “local resources” in Los Angeles — namely focusing more on Hollywood — and will feature appearances by Christina Aguilera, Eva Longoria Parker and Rebecca Romijn.

Project Runway producer Harvey Weinstein expressed his appreciation for the resolution to the legal battle. “I want to personally congratulate Jeff Zucker and NBCU on their success in the litigation and thank Jeff for resolving this in a professional manner,” he said in a statement.

No additional details about the cast or specific airdates have been released.

On Tuesday, Bravo, Runway’s original home, announced details about its new design competition,The Fashion Show, and introduced the cast. That show, featuring Kelly Rowland and Isaac Mizrahi, will air May 7.

According to Lifetime, the network will also air a companion series, Models of the Runway, alongside Project Runway. “All of us at Lifetime are thrilled to move forward with Heidi, Tim, Nina, Michael, The Weinstein Company and the entire Project Runway team,” network president and CEO Andrea Wong said in a statement. “We are proud to add these shows to our growing slate of original programming.” - Brian Orloff

On being let go

2009-04-12T11:44:00.002-05:00

As many of you know, I am searching for a new job. My job was eliminated on March 31, but for some reason, I am not bothered by this in the least bit. I am doing fine. This surprises no one more than I.

I think the reason I have been able to accept that I know the reasons, and I know why my position was chosen. I worked in New Business Development, which was half Mergers and Acquisitions and half on launching new product platforms. Since October-November, my employer, like all others is saving cash, which cuts down on M&A activity, so half my job was gone then. The other part - new platforms and alliances - has been going well, but the timeline to realize revenue on both these activities takes a long time. So when times are tough and cuts have to happen, companies cut the activities which are not producing revenue today. If I was in my boss's position, I would have cut my job, too.

So in terms of a mourning period, it has been basically zilch. I saw this coming and I understand why it happened, which makes focusing on a new job that much easier. I hold no ill will or bitterness to the company or my division, which is why I would be willing to work here again, should another opportunity come up. In fact, I have been focusing most of my efforts internally. For the next 45 days (or till May 15th), I am still an employee, with full rights and benefits, but with no job responsibilities. It is a nice thing my employer does; the remove all work related responsibilities when your job is eliminated - all save one - finding a new job. They let me keep my office, phone, computer, etc, and provide outsource assistance. The whole process has been very fair and pleasant, plus, I have had great support and assistance from coworkers, friends, my boss and the VP. I have been going into work every day, keeping normal hours. I have been treating this like a job and networking like crazy. My schedule most days is as busy as it was when I had a job. So in this regard, all is well.

My first priority is exploring options for work internally. I still think it is a good company and for the next month or so, I am still an insider who can take advantage of opportunities there and maybe find something I like. Now that that network is in place, it is time to start working on the outside world. I recognized about two years ago that my career development had gotten stale. I was very happy and lucky to get the job I had last year and I would not have traded it even if I knew how high this risk of getting let go would have been. I felt very fortunate to have that job, which I got because a former boss was hiring me for the position. He knew that I could do the job even if my resume might not show it. When I got the job, I was very happy but felt very fortunate, as I don't think I could have gotten the job without his help. My career needed a kick in the pants, and this job did it. Now, it is up to me to do that myself.

The real tough question to answer is do I want a New Job or Something New; I have thought about starting my own business; maybe this is the time to do it? I have no real responsibilities. Should I be using this time to pursue those options? Or, is it time for me to move? I came to Minnesota for a job, but it has grown on me and I have a lot of friends here. I never expected to be here this long, and if this had happened in November, no way I would be considering staying here. If I was to move, I am not sure where I would go. I have always thought I would move back East, but what about San Fran and the West Coast? I have connections there, too.

It is both a blessing and curse to have the world of options open to you. I am not complaining, mind you. I like the freedom I have, but it is tough to narrow down what you would do next and where, when you have nothing really holding you back. It is equally fun, exciting, frightening, and perplexing all at the same time.

Anyway, I'll try to post more updates on what I am doing, but thank you all for the calls, messages, and kind words of support. They have helped tremendously. I have had one interview internally, and one informational/screening interview externally. I am feeling good and I seem to be keeping the positive mojo going. I'll continue to post as things develop, but for all of you who have helped with either contacts, calls, texts or messages (too many to count), thanks very much! Tis' appreciated.

3M Boss Held Hostage By French Strikers

2009-03-26T18:45:00.003-05:00

Although reading the words "French" and "Strikers" usually wouldn't garner much attention, this story help a special place in my heart. Note the food they served him while holding him hostage. I think I could enjoy that type of punishment!

From our friends at AP and Huffington Post

----------------------------

3M Boss Held Hostage by French Strikers

AP March 25, 2009

Striking French workers for US manufacturer 3M were holding their boss hostage today at a plant south of Paris as anger over layoffs and cutbacks mounted around the country.

A few dozen strikers took turns standing guard outside factory offices where the director of 3M's French operations, Luc Rousselet, has been holed up since yesterday. The workers did not threaten any violence and the atmosphere was calm at the factory on the outskirts of Pithiviers.

A few police officers stood outside the facility, while workers inside exchanged jokes and worries about their future amid heaps of empty plastic coffee cups and boxes of cookies.

Talks among 3M workers and management were suspended overnight, but were to resume later Wednesday mediated by a local labor official. Workers want better severance packages for those being laid off and better conditions for those keeping their jobs.

Meanwhile, workers from a French plant owned by German tire maker Continental AG marched through Paris and burned tires Wednesday near the president's Elysee palace to protest against their factory's planned closure.

Faced with what it calls the collapse of the European auto market, Continental recently announced plans to close the plant in 2010.

"We shouldn't let this company close down, otherwise it means that all these robber bosses can do whatever they want to," said Antonio Da Costa, a union representative.

In France, it is not unheard-of for striking workers to hold company executives as a way of winning concessions from management. The hostages are almost never injured. A similar situation ended peacefully earlier this month at Sony's French facilities.

"We don't have any other ammunition" other than hostage-taking, said Laurent Joly, who has worked at the Pithiviers plant for 11 years and is angry that he is being transferred to another French site.

"I really have the impression that we no longer exist for these people," Genevieve Camus, who has worked for the plant for 35 years, said of the company's US management.

The French division of 3M -- a diversified US manufacturer known for Post-It notes and Scotch tape -- recently announced layoffs and job transfers among its 2,700 workers at 13 French sites. Among those targeted are 110 of the Pithiviers factory's 235 workers.

The Maplewood, Minnesota-based 3M is also planning job cuts at facilities in the United States and other developed nations.

The 3M workers have been on strike since Friday. Hamon said Rousselet was blocked from leaving the factory Tuesday after arriving from 3M France headquarters near Paris.

Store owners in Pithiviers were planning to shut early Wednesday to support the factory workers.

When Rousselet, the locked-up director, came out of the office to go to the bathroom, workers booed him while reporters asked him how he was holding up.

"Everything's fine," he said.

Workers planned to bring Rousselet mussels and french fries for dinner if he was still there tonight.

(BS note: he was there that night they did!)

You just don't get it, do you? You don't

2009-03-18T16:21:00.006-05:00

In the original "Austin Powers", Dr. Evil had a plan for eliminating Austin Powers. He ordered him placed in an easily escapable situation involving an overly elaborate and exotic death. When questioned by Scott on why he just didn't use a gun to blow his brains out, Dr. Evil replied, "You just don't get it, do you? You don't."

To Dr. Evil, the obviously solution is not necessarily the best one, nor the path that is chosen. This is the same way I feel about college basketball and the NCAA tournament.

For example: after the bracket was announced on Sunday, most of the announcers on ESPN were picking UNC to make the Final 4 and win the entire tournament. To an outside observer, this would appear to be good news. However, nothing was further from the truth. I was depressed and scared. I was ready to put on black in mourning for my teams eventual loss. We had been given the kiss of death. I had given up and the tourney hadn't started.

For some reason, I am under the unshakable belief that my actions, both deliberate and accidental have a direct barring on my team's results. I think it started when I was a kid. Watching UNC hoops at my home was a sacred event. Woe to anyone who dared called during a game. Superstitions abounded in our household about our actions and the impact on the results. During one game, my dad noticed that UNC started playing better whenever my mom left the room. She was from Oregon (the one non-NC born resident in the house). Whenever UNC started playing badly, she would leave the room; a comeback would follow. At first it was a joke, but after a while, it became scripture within the house ("thou shalt not have Oregonian's watching UNC play hoops"). These superstitions continued into adulthood, and they were manifested in many ways. The one general pattern was the power of negative thinking. You never got too excited, optimistic or boastful about you chances. Doing so would invite an almost certain reprisal. It wasn't just me, but this was the way it was for all UNC fans, including our legendary coach, Dean Smith.

Dean was the master of negative thinking. He could make a very convincing argument as to why UNC doesn't have a chance against a 16th seated opponent, and he would give you a litany of reasons of why we would lose. The thing is, he really meant it. He knew how the other team could beat him, no matter how improbable it might be, and he would use this as a way to cast his team as the underdog. It didn't matter if they were favored by 20 points, we would be lucky to escape with a win. I think the reason most ACC fans didn't like Dean Smith was not because of how good he was as a coach, but because of this "poor me" routine he would do before every game, and then wallop the other school by 50. It was annoying to others and endearing to UNC.

Except when he lost.

That is when we reflected on the outcome and realize we should have taken heed to his warnings. We were overconfident and underestimated our opponent, and that is why we lost. It was our fault. All of our fault. Yours, mine, everyone's.

Back in 2005, I planned a trip to Japan to visit a good friend. I planned it the first week of April, which just happened be when the final four was taking place (March Madness ending in April - it is just wrong!). I wasn't aware of this overlap when I booked the ticket, but once I did, I had three choices:

1. Cancel my trip to watch the game
2. Go to Japan but watch the game there
3. Go to Japan and ignore the game

The typical die hard fan would do #1 or #2. But after years of experiencing the power of negative thinking, I knew that doing so would bring almost certain loss to the team. If I change my plans to root for my team, that team will lose, I thought. So, I chose option #3: I went to Japan, and tried to ignore the game. I say tried. We caught some of it on the radio when we were driving. That almost cost us the game. UNC won the National Championship vs. Illinois, but it was a miracle they did. I recorded the game and watched it when I came back. As I was watching us collapse, wondering how we could possibly win, the tension in my head started building, I covered my eyes and a sick feeling was building in my gut. It was at this point I was reminded, "You know UNC won? It was in all the papers." Yes, this was all true and I had no logical reason for being this stressed, but all I could say is, "You just don't get it, do you? This is UNC - we can still lose."

Today, President Obama, made his official picks for the NCAA Tournament. He has UNC winning it all. Other fans might be happy. I am not. This is like the opposite of a Presidential Pardon. My team is doomed.

Here's hoping we have better luck next year.

My Oscar Diary

2009-02-22T21:11:00.005-06:00

My play by play account of tonight's Oscars, unedited for your amusement:

I never knew Hugh Jackman could sing and dance? I guess he was famous on Broadway, but I just think of him as Wolverine. Dancing doesn't suit the X-Man

Too much self-serving aggrandizement by the Academy, not enough time for the minor award winners to talk

Bad form showing shots of Brangelina while Jennifer Aniston is presenting. Very bad form.

What was with the caveman skit with Ben Stiller before the cinematography award? It is a major award - show some f-ing respect.

What was with the "Comedy" skit they did? I don't think half the movies shown were comedies. Maybe in the classic sense, in that nobody died, but come one - "Doubt?".

At a minimum, you should be able to pronounce the names of the people who are nominated for your category. Shame on you James Franco and Seth Rogen.

Nice speech by Heath's family. Thank goodness they didn't ding them with the music.

What was the music they were playing during costume design and art direction? If that was the signal to speed up the presentation of the names, you failed miserably. They had to talk over the music, slowing things down even more.

Can it Bill Maher. You are fricking wanna be. Your best role ever was in "DC Cab". It has been downhill ever since then. Zip it.

Nice impromptu magic trick and speech by Man on Wire.

What is with Philip Seymour Hoffman's hat? He ain't in Minnesota.

I didn't know Kevin Kline won an Oscar for "A fish called Wanda".

I really like the retrospective on all the people who died in the last year. I think that is my favorite part.

Jerry Lewis - I don't like him, but he gave a good acceptance speech. A damn good speech.

Nobody seems to like my pick of Robert Downey Jr over Mickey Rourke for "Comeback Award winner". Maybe I did miss the mark on that one.

Slumdog is rolling. Unbelievable. What happened to the Wrestler? I said it before, Oscar likes happy movies. Must be payback for last year's wins by "No Country for Old Men" and "There Will Be Blood".

I am digging the all the Japanese acceptance speeches. It is tough to pull of humor when you don't speak the language, but they are 2 for 2.

They screwed up my favorite part of the Awards - the "in memory" section on everyone who died in the last year. What was with the fricking moving camera angles (got me nauseous). Plus, the shot was so far away and moving, you couldn't see half the names. And this was a big year for death - Paul Newman, Roy Scheider, Sydney Pollack, Ricardo Montalban, Issac Hayes, Charlton Heston - plus many, many others. And why didn't they mention Heath Ledger? He died in 2008? Tip to the producers, pick a stationary angle and let us reflect. Plus - clue to the audience, you applaud for people who died, you don't cheer (Yeah! They're dead!! Woo Hoo!!!). Frickin morons.

Too much self serving promotions by the Oscars, taking too much time away from acceptance speeches.

What is the deal with having more than two presenters on stage at a time. It was good when they had Stephen Speilberg, George Lucas and Francis Ford Coppola present the Best Director award to Martin Scorsese, but that was an exception. Guy had been nominated so many times, and he was the clear favorite. Now, they will have multiple presenters just to kiss the @ss of whoever is hot right now.

What is with Sophia Loren? Is she made of plastic?

Jeepers - now they are doing five presenters for Actors. Oh great - DeNiro is talking about Penn's political activism. Why don't you tell everybody about his support for Venezuela's Hugo Chaves? Don't mix entertainment with politics.

Sean Penn wins best line at the Oscars "I know I make it tough for you to like me."

What happened to "The Wrestler?" Wow - no love for this movie? I thought Mickey was a shoe in for Best Actor.

After many years of screwing up, the Academy finally gets it right: Best Director-Best Picture-Editing went to the same movie.

Just being nominated is an honor!

2009-02-22T11:06:00.005-06:00

It's time once again two of my favorite things in this world: (1) The Academy Awards and (2) my chance to bitch about them. Last year, SeaBass and I had so much fun coming up with new awards, I thought we should do it again this year ("...and the Oscar should go to...").

Sadly, he was not as into it as much as I was - somehow we got off to talking about how much of the stimulus bill funds that were going to Minnesota would be used in the recount lawsuit between Franken and Coleman (our guess was somewhere around half). I think we did most of our best work last year and made the changes that we thought were necessary, but I still feel there is some work to do. So with that, I give you my expanded list of Oscars for 2008:

The "It" Girl Award:

Every year there seems to be one up and coming young actress which all the tabloids and media idolize. It is the same pattern - the actress starts off as a relative unknown, has one or two good parts and her popularity expands exponentially, consuming everything in its path, feeding upon it self to the point where she can not be avoided. Past winners would have included Julia Roberts and Renee Zellweger. This year had a clear winner in my book: Anne Hathaway. This process started for her last year, and has steadily grown, unchecked.

Just Shut the F-up Award:

This is slightly different from the "We won't ever award you anything again because you won't shut up" Award (given to Michael Moore - every year he will win it). Instead of banning someone who likes to use the award stage to preach, this award is given to someone who uses his movies to preach his particular views, passing off fiction as fact. It was a tough call, but this year the "Shut the f-up award" goes to Oliver Stone, narrowly edging out Bill "wanna-be" Maher. His movies have moved from entertainment to becoming faux-documentaries. The worst part is, I can't tell if he really believes his lies, or if he is just doing it for money; I'm not sure which is worse. I shudder to think that the youth of America might actually learn their history lessons from watching his lies.

The Controversy Award:

What would the Academy Awards be without a good controversy? Well, it would be just like it is today. The Academy tries to make this a feel good event, and hide any unpleasantries away from the public's view. But still, they manage to come up again and again (Who could forget the the Best Director award in 2002. "Mr. Polanski will not be accepting his Best Director Oscar, as he would be arrested for statutory rape the moment he steps foot on American soil.") This years controversial award winner goes to Heath Ledger. If he wins the Best Supporting Actor award, there will be controversy on who will accept the award on his behalf (are they really going to make his daughter pick it up). If he doesn't win, the Academy will be accused of not giving him the award to avoid this controversy. Basically, no matter what happens, there will be controversy.

The Comeback Award:

This award is so simple and obvious, I can't remember why it didn't make the list last year. The requirement is simple: give an award to an actor that everyone thought was done and that there could be no way they could every act, much less be a box office draw, ever again. But somehow, they make a comeback. The clear winner this year goes to Mr. Robert Downey Jr. Welcome back!

Best Comedic Support Award:

This award goes to someone who provides the best comedic assistance to a movie (which might have really sucked without it). Ideally, the part is small, memorable, and unexpected. John Candy deserves a lifetime achievement award in this category. This years winner, goes to Tom Cruise for his work in "Tropic Thunder", narrowly edging out Robert Downey Jr. Mr. Cruise won primarily because it was so unexpected and so out of character (I can't really think of anything he has done previously that was even remotely funny). He was so good, I was actually willing to start paying to go see movies he stared in (like "Valykrie")

These are my suggestions for this year. And yes, the George Clooney Award goes to George Clooney again this year for his work in, oh, lets say "Leatherheads".

Southdale Mall can bite me

2009-02-07T11:25:00.005-06:00

So last night we went to the movies (saw "Taken" at Southdale. It wasn't bad. The daughter was annoying, but good besides that), and I spend a good 15 minutes looking for a parking spot. When going to the movies, I go for the first spot I can find. I am cool with walking; I want to get in and see the previews.

Anyway, I finally find a spot (a good one, too), but it happens to be next to a spot with this sign posted. I am not making this up: Southdale Mall in Edina has now added a new restriction for parking - you must have 4 shoppers to park here.

Before I start my rant, there are a few qualifications I would like to make. First, I understand and support handicapped parking. As someone who used a temporary pass (after one of my ankle surgeries - i can't remember which) it really helped. It is a small accommodation, which vastly improves the quality of life for many of our fellow Americans and I fully support the program.

I also don't have a problem with parking spots designated for expecting mothers. Although there is no legal reason for them, and the opportunity for abuse can be rampant, I can accept those spots based on the same quality of life argument. Minnesota parking lots can be very icy; I don't like the thought of 8 month pregnant women falling.

So with that covered, Soutdale Mall can f-ing bite me. My money is as good as anybody else's. You can take it or f-ing leave it. Why do groups of 4 or more get higher priority? Is it because they are going to spend more? Who is to say that a car of four is more likely to buy more then a car of one?I dropped quite a bit of change in your mall; in the last 15 months, I have bought a computer here, done the majority of my clothes shopping here and have seen countless movies here. Is there something wrong with me or my money that makes me unwelcome? Please explain, iceholes. Single folks typically do not carpool in groups of four to the mall, so this was designed for families. Families typically are more cautious in their spending that single folks, who have a greater percentage of disposable income to throw around. I would be very curious as to how your retailers would react to enacting policies which discourage people who are willing (and able) to spend money.

I am also curious how they are going to patrol this asinine policy. Are they go to have someone in the mall checking to see that the rules are being enforced? Are they going to ticket, or boot, cars that don't have enough shoppers? I would love to see the retailers reaction when they find out that one of their customers, who just spent several hundred in their store, got booted by Southdale because they illegally parked in one of these spots. You can kiss that customer goodbye. Maybe that is their next policy - parking spots only for people who buy stuff ("if you park here, you must spend $50 in the mall").

I think they should have parking for quick shoppers. Profit is a function of two things: margin and turns. Selling high margin items is only half the equation; the other half is the velocity and speed it goes out the door. I think there should be priority parking for those of us who shop quickly. We go in, we buy, we leave fast. I think that should get a special spot, too. And what about people who drive eco-friendly cars? What does it say about your mall for you to encourage large, multi-passenger, SUV type gas hogs to your mall, over smaller, fuel efficient, or hybrid vehicles. We should have Green spots too. And what about the elderly? Are you saying you don't want old folks at your mall, too? What type of discriminatory policy is that? Or what about families who only have one kid? They are not welcome? Sorry - you must procreate more in order to be welcome here. Asinine. Just asinine.

Southdale is supposedly the first indoor mall in the world (according to "The Economist", Dec 19th, 2007). They are the first mall that I know of that has enacted this policy. I hope it will be the last. Until they change the policy, they can go f-themselves. I'm shopping elsewhere.

The Jamesification of Jim

2009-02-05T11:53:00.004-06:00

For some reason, I have undergone a name change here at work. I have gone from being called Jim to James. I don't know how this happened. I didn't ask for it, I didn't encourage it, but it is happening.

The only place at work where I have "asked" to be listed as James is in the Lotus Notes eMail system. When I joined, there was already a "Jim Miller", and a "Jim G. Miller" (my middle initial is "G"), but there was a "James G. Miller" available. So, for Lotus Notes, that is whom I became, and I have been apologizing for my parents lack of creativity every since.

Because that is how I am found in eMail, that is how my name is listed on my business card. Those are the only two places it is listed as James. But, whenever I give a card, or sign off on an email, I have always gone by Jim. I answer the phone as Jim. I introduce myself as Jim. The name tag on my office says Jim. It is well know, both in the division and the company that I go by Jim.

This all makes it very confusing as to why I am being called James.

The first person I can think of who called me this was my former Director. He did it more as a joke, I think. It was a mock-formality, that I think he was doing to me because, whenever he would ask me a question or interrupt me in a presentation, I always called him "sir" (Southern upbringing - it's ingrained). But then others started doing it. More and more folks. People who I have known for years have started calling me James. It is starting to bother me. Not so much the change in the name, but that this unwanted name change is being forced upon me.

The other day, I went to get my mail (and make sure my name tag was on the opposite side again - the glorious Revolution continues!). I found my name tag moved to the wrong side and my name tag changed to James. This worried me. There is little difference for someone to say "Jim" or "James"; in terms of effort, there is virtually no difference between the two. But for someone to actively go and change one of the official name tags for the official mail slots, that shows some serious commitment someone has to this conversion. I have to say, I am scared. Very scared.

Who knows what my name will be changed to next....